Hi everyone!

I'm a new member. I just joined to ask the following question really. If it's important, I'm not TG. I was born female and am still female and am happy that way. But I have a question and would be grateful if I could get some answers from people more experienced than me.

I started university last September and made a good friend. I found out that he was born female, unfortunately via rumours that stemmed from old posts on facebook, and that a few other people living in our halls found out and he suffered a bit of bullying over it. Thing is, I missed the chance to speak to him about it. I wanted to tell him I knew and that I was there for him. But I never found the right opportunity and weeks and months went by and we grew closer and closer and I never said anything. He seems fine now, he has lots of friends and a lovely girlfriend and as far as I know doesn't suffer any bullying anymore. If there was ever a situation where someone blatently picked on him in front of me I'd have no trouble saying something in his defense. But since he's okay now I feel like maybe I should just leave it. He's had ample opportunity to tell me, so I think maybe if he wanted me to know he'd have told me by now. But I'm scared that in the future if he ever tells me I won't be able to keep it a secret that I've known all this time and he might be angry or upset or feel betrayed that I've always known but I never said anything.

Should I just leave it? Or do you think it would help him if I told him I knew?

Thanks for any advice!

It's not always easy, wise, or possible to advise someone in a case like this without knowing you or your friend, or exactly how your friendship is. It seems to me though if things have settled down, if no-one is hassling him, then there is no great reason to tell him you know about his past. If it ever should come up or there is a reason it feels more appropriate to discuss, if you then feel compelled to tell him that you've known for a while, he probably shouldn't be upset if you just say that you knew but it was no big deal to you and you didn't want to offend him in any way; after all he has chosen not to discuss it with you so you have respected that by not bringing up the subject.
Lots of trans people just want to get on with their lives, be accepted for who they are now and not have to go over their past with everyone they meet. In the first few months, perhaps even years of transition or going full-time, there are many people who need explanations, many questions to deal with. After time you get used to not having to talk about it; when everyone around you either knows or is blisfully unaware then there is little reason or desire to go raking up your past again.
I would say it's a case of, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
It's lovely to see someone with such empathy, Jess. The world needs more people like you. xx
This post was edited by Lucy Diamond at July 1, 2013 11:12 AM BST

Hi Jess,

 

I tend to agree with Lucy, as long as he knows you are someone he can trust, then he will tell you what he wants to, when he wants to. If you speak to him about it, it can go wrong even when you have the best intentions. He may feel he has been 'found out' and may worry about who else knows about his issues. It's a confusing time and it's better to let a person open up in their own time. Sometimes, being TG isn't an issue to them and bringing it up may make it one unnecessarily. It's difficult to know what to do when you find yourself in that situation but you are being supportive by seeking answers and advice. It sounds as if you have a good friendship which he may may be concerned about damaging by opening up to you. (It happens). It's important for a person to know that when they need someone to lean on, they know where to turn, and if you are good friends, he will already know that. 

Wise words from Lucy, there might come a time when he might want to tell you, but as the rough period (the bullying) has stopped and he is making friends, don't knock his confidence in himself.  Should anything restart, then is the time to step in and support him by confronting those who seek to belittle him.
However, maybe he needs to plug that source of information whereby you found out about him on Facebook - how you would set about doing that though without telling him that you know is a very delicate situation.
Thank you for being there for him, we all need friends as understanding and considerate as yourself

Carol xx

Thanks for the advice everyone! x