I recently found out my brother is moving to the city I plan on moving to once I finish school. When I first found this out I was excited, thinking he and I could share an apartment or he could help me find an apartment. The thing is though, I'm planning on transitioning once I move and I'm only out to a couple of really close friends. My brother and I have a complicated relationship where we get along every once and a while, but most of the time he resents me because he considers me to be the golden child of the family. As far as I know he is LGBT friendly, but I'm afraid he will tell my parents before I'm ready to come out to them. Do I risk coming out to my brother before my parents? It would be great to have an ally in the family and moving to a new city, but it would also be terrible if he took advantage of the information.

Janessa! You know your brother better than anyone else , do you trust him not to say anything first? If not then best you tell your parents first , hearing it from you is better than secondhand. You cannot see into the future however well you know someone , including family , in most cases more so family.

Do what ever you think best for yourself  . I will tell you one thing I do know! It is your life so think of yourself without being to selfish , allowing others to slow your transition down will be a very big regret.

I wish you all the best and good luck.

Julia x

You put that better than I did Chrissy , it is really hard for all concerned.

Very good advice .

Julia x

Janessa,

You CAN ask your brother, if you choose to tell him first, to NOT say anything to your parents, that you want them to hear it from you. Good luck. You are quite pretty, they may not be too surprised..

-Robin xxx

I think Julia, Chrissy, and Robin nailed it with their answers.  My 2 cents worth, coming out is such an incredibly personal experiance that can have very rewarding, or very devastating consequenses.  I CAN'T put myself in a position to increase the pain that we all live with on a day to day basis so I don't give advise on coming out.  That being said, I will say that my plan is, and was to make a list of everyone I plan to out to, in order of the ones that I "THINK" will go the best, to the ones that scare the hell out of me at the end.  My hope, is that if I haven't made aniy mistakes in the order, by the time I get to the really scary ones, I will have an army of support around me when I get to them.  It sounds like you may already be thinking that way yourself.  I wish you all the luck, and much happiness in making these incredibly memorable steps. Hugs

What we must remember is that those that do support us, are largely lumped into the same category, wierdos, spawners of the unatural, promoters of the anti christ,  general societies perception of anyone that is different.   think for an instant, the father, supporting a son  undergoing transition, his reception at the rugby club. down the pub.  the sibling at school. kids can be so understanding, I don't think so, they tend to fit in in with their peers, the pack mentality.  ''The blame the parents'', not enough discipline at home, some even think parents promote things to elevate their own personal needs, ''they got a son, we all know they had set their heart on a daughter. they got a daughter, they wanted a son, whatever, the list of why supporters would be alienated, or percieve themselves to be excluded is endless. even down to careers of parents.

Because of the 20 reasons thread, whatever, a lot of which resembles me, I won't go into my own personal circumstances.   Some times I reflect on what did happen to me, I will never forgive, or forget, but now my father has past on, no feeling of loss, no regrets, a sort of calm has entered my life that I never knew before.

So the support might be limited, just bear in mind those that do support you are also taking a lot on, those that have reservations, try and understand their concerns for you and themselves.

I wonder if I am the only one here who never came out to their family?? In fairness, we live in different countries but I never felt the need to tell any of my family anything about me, as it was my life and my choice. As far as I am aware, they still have no idea. (We aren't in contact). 

Obviously my children know about me and have no issues, although we are keeping a close eye on things to ensure the 'pack mentality' that Chrissie mentions is kept in check as much as possible. So far, they haven't been affected at school etc, but I do my best to maintain a low profile in that respect in order to make it easier for them. 

Janessa, I hope you do get the support you wish for. Sometimes people close to you will first run in shock, but some at least, will think it through and come back. Be prepared to lose everyone, but that's not to say you will. It's different for everyone and only you can best judge your own situation. 

Thank you ladies! You all provided excellent advice! I think I will try talking to my brother on a more regular basis. Just about day to day stuff, just to feel things out and then go from there.

Janessa , Just looking at this thread you can see a lot of different sides of things. Some family's do not want to understand or even try but some do. You may lose some or even all of them but again you may not. We all have different stories of what happend to us but it does not mean it will happen to you.

In my case I lost them all but they took me for all they could get before the door was slammed in my face , even a new car.

I had no choice but to do this alone but I made it. I can tell you something though I gained so much more in return , being myself was the one thing that kept me going . I made new friends and they are now my family as far as I am concerned , do I hate my family? No I cannot turn feelings off but I would never ever welcome one of them back into my life , as far as I am concerned they may aswell be dead , it has been 7 years since my last contact with them and they only exist in memories , I even destroyed every photograph of them.

You must always remember as I have already said it is your life so make it work to suit you not others .  I do truly wish you all the best and I hope your family do understand but if things do not work out with family nothing can stop you from being who you are , you may need to remind your parents that they concieved you and none of this is your fault , they made you but they did not make a mistake nature did.

Take care , Julia x

Janessa,

 From my experiance, it is better to approach the "younger" generation first because they seem to be a little less "stuck in their ways"

 I told my grown-up children before I told anyone in my parents generation. If I did not have any children... I would have told my siblings first. We may not all have the same "family structure" but it seems to me that the younger generation appreciates being "confided in" by a person from an older generation and are liable show more tolerence to our situation.

Best of luck!!