So I think most of my story was told in my profile, but I can give a summary of it here. I'm 20 years old and was born a male, but I'm currently in the process of coming out and accepting myself for who I am, a girl. I've always had the feeling that something wasn't right though, when I was about 10 years old I used to pray every night that I would wake up a girl, that through some miracle I would be a girl.  It wasn't just that though, I had a thing for wearing girls clothes and I absolutely hated how my body was growing hair everywhere. My family is deeply religious though and when I made an attempt to come out to them they told me it was just a phase and that I would grow out of it. I didn't though, the only thing that grew was a resentment that I had for myself, a feeling of being trapped and now allowed to be who I am.

 

It was actually one of my friends on the internet who asked me about it that helped me come out. She's a very close friend of mine in Arizona who I also helped come out of the closet, so there was a nice bit of karma there. Sadly though aside from her and one of my very close friends no one else knows. I'm scared of telling my family because I know if I do they will hate me, on top of being religious they have a deep hatred for gay and trans people. I'm desperate to get away from here though, I want to be with my friend in Arizona, but I'm broke. I'd also like to start the transition from male to female on a more permanent track than I am now. I'm just scared of coming out to anyone in my family though, I can't ask them for help, and I have no one to turn to anymore that could support me. I just feel scared and alone because I can't be myself with my family, and the pain is eating away at me. I don't know where to go or who to turn to for support both financially and mentally.

Hi Heather, well, you do have one thing going for you that is very positive, your age.  I think you will find when you start to talk with others here, and hear their stories, that we are all pretty much the same.......our stories are all pretty much the one you just told, only the details are different.  I lived like you my whole life, i just turned 50 last summer.  I only started making major changes in my life when I was about 46 or 47.  You have some time, it's not a race.  There are many different paths you can take to get where you need to be.  Take some time and think it out, don't let anyone tell you, here, or in your own "real" part of the world, how to get to where you need to be.  We can all tell you what we are doing, but always remember that only Heather knows what's best for Heather.  This is a great place for both friends and support.  I wish you luck in your journey and hope to get to know you better.  Hugs, Bri

Hello Heather - Bri is absolutely right about feeling right about yourself and it being your journey - be patient. This is no race nor an overnight situation. It took me some 40 years to finally acknowledge and accept myself - after several buying and purging things cycles and too many thoughts and feelings to note here. Your story is quite similar to very many of us here in a number of ways and as Bri notes just some different details. This is a great site to communicate, ask, listen, and come to when you need to. All the best in your journey and look forward to seeing you here and get to know you too. hugs, Briana : ) 

Thank you so much for the support, it's just nice to finally have a place where I can be myself, because it's gotten to the point where I want to be left alone all the time now. I live with my family still and it's hard to wake up in the morning and have to shed Heather and be William again. The only place I can be myself right now is with my internet family. I can't even look into ways to start a transition, or ask for a doctors help because they're always watching. I'm in a literal prison, both trapped in my body and trapped in my home. I've looked into the time it takes to make the transition I want, but unless I have the support of family and friends I feel like I'll never get there. I can't come out to my family without being condemned, and I have no where else to go, so for now I'm stuck. It makes me want to scream and cry because I'm Heather now, but I have to pretend for their benefit. I don't assume that's what would happen with my family, they've said as much to all of us younger family members, if we were like that we would be kicked out. hugs, Heather <3

So I guess I agree with Briana and Briana. It gets confusing here at times.But not as confusing as walking through life feeling different than you appear. Family is a tough one to concour, sometimes I don't think we ever really do. The good news is, you found your way here! I have family on my side or so they say. I still have to go to family gatherings in drab. Really hoping you can find a new family here at GS and make some friends who don't doubt who you are.

Heather, don't rush your journey, let it happen and you'll get to where you need to be and all in the blink of an eye. Your young and have an entire life of adventures and new beginnings ahead of you. Sometimes when you push things too far too fast you end up hurting and depressed. Be patient and be proud of all the things about you. Big Hug.......:)

Hi Heather,

 

As the other girls said - "It's not a race", so take it slow.

I would add "Not too slow". 

 

A life lived to meet others expectations instead of your own is

not a very happy life.  Remember, it is your life, so don't allow

someone else to dictate the conditions you live under.

 

Just remember to be kind and understanding, as you live the life

that you want. It is true that not everyone you know will accept you,

so be prepared for that and make new friends who will accept you.

 

Big Sisterly Hug,

 

Michelle

This post was edited by Former Member at January 23, 2014 6:08 AM GMT

Hidden - you WILL be well supported here, I assure you.  PM me if you wish.

Amanda.

 

Gender Society's resident psych.

Thank you all so much for your support, it's nice to finally be in a place where I'm accepted and can just be me. I'm tired of hiding away from people who I really am and who I want to be. Any support or help I can get from anyone here would be amazing, and I can't wait to get to know everyone here and have my home away from home <3.

~Heather

Heather...I feel for you and all.  You are young, do not have a plan, cannot support yourself, and truly are in no position to take this leap.  The world is filled with girls who rushed to tell the world and frankly, once the word is out, you cannot put it back and therefore have had miserable transitions.  Without knowing you, I'd suggest you pull back a bit, plan things out, work to save a LOT of money, then slowly, did I mention SLOWLY, morph into Heather.  I could go on and on but will leave it at this for now.  I wish you well in your journey, but hun, you must have patience and a good plan.  

I've thought of that Traci, I've actually attempted to find a way to get funds, because as it is right now I'm not even allowed to get a job, it could be years and years and years before I get out to do anything. Pathetic that someone my age isn't allowed to get a job or anything, but that's how it is. Right now I just want an environment where I can get comfortable being myself, where I won't be judged for being me, and maybe if I can get that then coming out to my family won't be so bad because I'll be confident as Heather.

~Heather

I will also agree with what everyone says but will put it in another way, Be the tortorise and not the hare.  Sometimes it takes time to finish your journey and as long as you have support and friends to help out, then it can be an enjoyable experience.
 
I was born visuaolly impaired and found out a few years ago my cataracts got worse.  As a kid and in the 90s I never knew that I could have the support I needed until recently.  Now I know the support is out there and even where to begin if I need it, I can go off happy.  Same thing with your journey.  There is support here and people are friendly, caring and will listen if you want to talk.  After finding this place, I feel more comfortable being Suzy and after my first clothing expedition, I am nearly ready to actually go out and meet more like minded girls.  And that is just another journey I can't wait to carry on.....Going where no disabled male to female Transgender person has ever gone before.....probably.