I'm not sure what to say, other than I've been wrestling with a lot of confusing feelings over the past 40 years and am finally starting to face them.

I spent a long time agonizing over how to introduce myself and what I'd like people to know about me. Rather than delay or give up, I decided to just write this first post and get things started.

I've been wishing that I was a girl since as long as I can remember. When I was 4 or 5, I had a very vivid dream that felt like a memory that I had been born a girl. But it was important to my parents that their first born should be a son, and so they took me somewhere dark and scary to "fix" the problem. And so I've been a boy ever since. But the feeling that I should have been a girl has never quite gone away.

I've been running from that feeling for a long time. Over the last few years, I've bounced between extremes--either hiding from the problem, or trying to discover a root cause that might lead to a cure. I also wondered if my feelings were legitimate because my dysphoria is not constant or severe, and also because it's not just about becoming a woman. But becoming a certain kind of young, pretty woman and more specifically becoming a famous actress or pop star. Sometimes I think that fixation is what keeps my feelings safely in the realm of a dream or a fantasy, because the thought of a real-life transition scares me to death.

Today I'm at the point where I'm just realizing that this is part of who I am, and am struggling to just accept it for whatever it is. I'm just hoping to understand myself a little better so that I might be able to find some peace of mind. I've joined a couple different forums in an effort to explore this part of myself.

Hiya Cassie, welcome, this is the best site to join, its not like many sites, sleaze and sex orientated, have a chat with Amanda Bruce a lovely kind and understanding lady, she is our resident councellor.   Its obviously from what you have written you have real and genuine issues with gender identity problems, if you are transgendered, there is no cure, don't beat yourself up. settle in and have a look around and chat with like minded people.   I f you need any help just ask. send me a message

 

xxXxx Cristine

The Introducing Yourself thread is always a good way to start from.  It introduces the person you are and you person you want to be.  Also doing blogs or doing small little comments on youe Front Page or engaging the various threads in the Forums is a good way to find out things or just talk about....well anything, regardless of the subject.   When I went out for the first time yesterday, I heard someone saying "Miss."  Now I didn't realise that she meant me until she told someone to tap on on the shoulder.  I wasn't offended that I was called Miss.  There have been times when I am called Suzy and the feeling was between good to fantastic.  At one time I had a male friend who occasionally came around and once after he borrowed my mobile to make a call he said "Thank you Suzy."  I wasn't dressed or anything but he said it anyway and it felt fantastic even though I wasn't Suzy at the time.   I think for me personally I have a balance between my male self and Suzy and things may not change which is fine but it does feel good to be Suzy even for a few hours and now I have tasted this so called Forbidden Fruit of being scared of going out as Suzy, I know that I can do it again.....even without make up.  I just wixh I can do make up.  Sigh.   All you need to know is that here you have people who can be your friends, listen to you, give you advice and support, so don't be scared, be happy.
This post was edited by Suzy Russell at September 27, 2014 7:46 AM BST

Cassie, first of all, you're not alone in here as many if not most have wrestled with the exact same issues.  So at worst, you will be able to meet and compare/share notes with many others just like yourself!

Second, and most important in wrestling with your dysphoria, is that you must embrace yourself as you!  Learn to love yourself because you are most deserving to be on this crazy planet like anyone else.  Do not fret over the little things but rather just understand that how you feel, what you wish for, and how you're end up are all OK...then just allow yourself to go in whatever direction you feel like.  A good percentage of the population lies somewhere between the defined gender binaries without admitting as much.  You're no different!  

Enjoy the journey and best wishes always!

Traci xoxo

Hello Cassie - As many have mentioned there are many here who have and still are wrestling with these same struggles - the struggle of finding oneself. As Traci notes it is about being yourself and loving yourself. The journey is how you see it and make it. All the best in your journey Cassie - great to meet you and see you here. hugs, Briana : )

Too bad to see she's gone...
: (

They came, they saw and they bugger off.  Sigh.  Hopefully she will come back.
This post was edited by Suzy Russell at September 27, 2014 8:24 AM BST