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And I feel fine.
My family has always been an accepting and tolerant one, so I can't offer anything in the way of tips for those seeking help themselves. I just thought... maybe I could share my journey so far, for anyone who might be in a similar situation. Also, I tend to be a bit rambly, so I apologise. I just want to be detailed.
Well.
My name is Sam and I was born male into a family with two older sisters and heterosexual parents. I spent a lot of my life quieter and gentler than most boys. Around when I was 12, I started to feel like I was headed down the wrong path; instead of wearing dresses or skirts I found myself in jeans and jackets. At the time I had no idea what that meant but I knew it felt off. Wrong. I've always been a very internal thinker and I always prided myself on being extremely reasonable, so instead of telling people what I was feeling, I more or less played the part of the gender I'd been born into while I thought. What I didn't realise at this point, and for quite a while, was that I was bottling up my curiosities and fears that something had gone... wrong... with me.
On the internet, being a guy always felt like a lie, so I quickly began to identify myself as female if asked, since it simply felt more natural. I liked that nobody online asked questions or didn't believe me since they couldn't see me. I didn't crave attention, but I enjoyed the escapism of no longer being the boy my family saw.
Over the years - seven, since I was thirteen - the difference between what I identify as mentally and what my body reflects have been growing apart. I felt like I couldn't be happy unless the outside reflected what I felt like on the inside. Now, it should be noted that I also have a chronic medical condition that causes me daily pain, so I'm depressed for other reasons, and have been in touch with the medical/psychological scene for nearly as many years as I've identified as a girl. My parents, as such, have already had a lot of experience in being supportive of my emotional needs, and they do that job well. I'm lucky.
Being that my family is a supportive one, I recently told my parents how I've been feeling for the past seven or so years and they've accepted it very well.
I started with my father. I could tell that he's been able to sense me withdrawing over the past few years, so I think he was desperate to know and help me when I came into the bedroom and asked him if he could keep a secret. At this point, I didn't know if I wanted this to come out to my other family members. I had recently told him that I was bisexual - which was true - and both he and my mother were very supportive. That gave me the confidence to take a leap of faith.
I told him what I had been feeling. I felt as if I had been born wrong. I told him that I had always wanted to dress in girl's clothing, but I didn't want to make a big deal over something that I might be able to resolve mentally by myself. I thought that there was no need to tell them if I could do it myself. I told him that mentally, I feel like a woman. I sympathise with women's issues, and when people refer to me as a girl, I feel as if they know the real me, instead of the shell that I have to deal with in real life.
He asked me how I knew. I told him I'd been thinking for seven years and the dysphoria was only getting worse. I'd started long ago to hate and neglect my male body because I felt as if it wasn't the one I was meant to have. Just about the only part of myself that I like is my penis, which I hold almost no ill will towards, since I find it useful, practical, pleasurable, and convenient for the few times I've been with girls. I have very little desire to change that aspect of my body, which is always what stumped me.
I mean, how can you have gender dysphoria and want to be the other gender when you like what specifically makes you your biological gender? It wasn't until a few years ago that I found out about MtF girls who went through their transition without losing their penis via SRS (and retaining function). I read up on forums about people who were transitioning, and in almost every case, it seemed that erectile dysfunction was only a side-effect of their hatred of their innate maleness. Those who were bisexual or lesbian seemed to report that theirs worked fine - in some cases, better than before, because they were more comfortable being their true selves in bed.
I explained all this to him. He told me that he wanted to support me in any way that he could, but that... SRS would be something they couldn't help with, due to our family being in a financially not-so-great position. When he learned that I didn't want the SRS - just to transition via hormones - he said that that just left the cost of the hormones, which are actually covered by the healthcare system in Australia and I would be able to get them very cheap.
We talked a while more about how big of a decision this was for me. It would affect the rest of my life, and be bigger than marriage, bigger than divorce, bigger than career or education, since this was essentially changing who I was so that I might have a chance to be happy. I understand that it's incredibly difficult, and sometimes I still get scared thinking about how I might find someone to love me if I one day transition, or how friends might treat me if they found out. Another note I should make here is that due to my illness I don't go to regular school or university, and as such I have practically no social contact. If I transitioned, the only people who would really be affected would be me and my family. I guess that makes it easy - almost like moving and starting fresh, except I get to stay with my family and start all over again in the same area.
He said to me that he didn't want me to think that he didn't want me to pursue my goals. He just wanted me to think about how this could affect my life.
I told him I didn't know if I could live well with not having taken the chance at being truly happy.
He was alright with this. He commented that it seemed like I'd been thinking very hard and very long about this. But he wanted to know why I was only telling him now, to which I told him that after I came out as bisexual, I despised the walls that I'd built up between myself and my family by not letting them know who I truly am. I wanted to break them down so that everyone could be happier. As for why it took seven years to say something... I told him I had to be sure it needed to be dealt with. And now I'm sure.
He cried. I still remember him wiping his eyes and telling me how he couldn't imagine how painful it was to keep such complicated feelings bottled up for such a long time.
I wasn't really emotional. Before actually telling him, I was so nervous that I thought I might be sick, but after... I just told him I was glad to have made a decision and to have told him. After a good hug, he said that we'd have to tell my mother, so we did that night. We all sat down and I was able to tell her much more concisely and in a succinct manner how I felt. When I got stuck, my father pitched in. We told her all about how I'd been feeling, about how things had come to a head recently, and that I could feel myself pulling away and I didn't want that to happen.
Unlike my father, she was very quiet the entire time we talked. Sometimes to the point where I wondered if she was upset, but it was really just an expression of vague surprise on her face, I think. We explained about how I didn't yet see myself wanting SRS, and that hormones, should I decide to transition, were fairly cheap - I could even pay for them myself. When we were done talking, we were all very quiet, until I broke the silence and asked her if she was okay with it. She... seemed surprised I even asked. She said she had only ever wanted her kids to be happy, and if this was making me unhappy, then I had to deal with it somehow.
After we knew she was okay with it, the atmosphere became much more relaxed. They asked me a few questions, like what I would be called (My nickname is thankfully unisex), or what they would say to other people when people asked how many kids they had. Would they say they had two daughters and a son, or three daughters? I left it up to them. Whatever they're comfortable with, because all that matters to me is how they feel. We agreed that in order for any progress to come, either in hopes of transition or dealing with my psychological issues, I would need to see a gender therapist.
After all that, we had a comfortable dinner, and a comfortable two weeks since.
I'm very lucky. Now I'm seeking help to make the transition, starting with looking for a gender therapist. I didn't think I'd ever get this far and I'm confused about where to look for gender therapists, or how to get a referral to one in Australia. While I'm here, I thought I might also want to make a few friends, since I'm kinda lonely. Though I do have a few online friends who are incredibly supportive of the girl I identify as.
Also, I don't know if this is specifically where I should have dumped all this information, but it seemed to make sense, seeing as it's news of what came after I came out to my parents. Still got the sisters to go... but I doubt it'll be an issue, if I dealt with my parents. My sisters are cool.
_ Samantha
A well written piece and you seem very sensible. you take things at a speed you can cope with, and a very well done to your parents, we also have an SO forum here where parents and significant others can get support. Seeing a specialist gender therapist is the first step. There are lots of formative articles on GS. refering to GID and its probable causes.
Thank you, Cristine. I'll tell my parents about the resources they can seek if there are issues they don't specifically feel comfortable talking to me about.
I'll find a gender therapist somehow. I just hope I don't have to travel a couple hours both ways for every appointment.
