I feel toxic... I feel toxic because over my 23 years of life I have been afraid, and that fear has suppressed so much. It has suppressed the real me. My biggest fear in life was not living up to others expectations. I remember having this fear for most of my life because as a child I fought with this fear daily. I was “too small,” and couldn't make the grades my older sister made. I also didn't show an interest in enough normal boy things. It didn't help that I felt like I was different than other kids but couldn't figure out how. I tried my hardest to be normal, to make the best grades I could, and try to be athletic. I tried to be accepted, but I never was. People cared about me, and they still do. I know I am loved and respected by so many in my life, but that fear has never left. To this day I still live with this fear. I will never be smart enough, I will never give my parents the grandchild they wish for so much, and I'll never be the son my parents deserve. Because I am transgender, I feel like a failure. I let my parents down. I have let my big sister down. This feeling is what keeps me from transitioning. It is not the fear of physical harm because statistically I am in just as much danger in my room alone as I am walking down the street at night. I can't transition because the fear I have been running from for so long is my reality. I am a failure as a child and a younger sibling. It's crippling, and it has ruined another relationship. But it's because of that relationship I can say this now. She was the only thing keeping me going. My fears have consumed everything else. Now that she is gone I have nothing. I am a scared little girl trapped in hell. Yes things are so hopeless I thoughts like: Why bother waking up? Why fight to survive when it will end one day anyways? Why deal with so much pain fighting for my identity when life is so easily lost? Life is a fools game. No one wins. We only loose. Youth and beauty never last, health is for the rich, and happiness is an illusion. Nothing in this world is good. What makes us happy never last, and once it's gone we realize we have nothing. Yes I can move on and find someone else to keep me going, but it too will never last. This is my reality. This is the reality of countless others. This is just some of the pain I feel on a daily basis. Emotional pain and physical pain are the only things I have. Everyday I wake up to misery and breath taking pain's from my scoliosis. The ADHD only makes the emotional pain worse because I feel less intelligent than my peers. Can you blame me for feeling this way? Being transgender sucks, but it's in the cards I was dealt. I was a failure as a son from the very start, and all of those years of trying to live up to what I feel like my parents wanted for me was a lie and waist. I can only hope that they will not be angry. I already know I am a disappointment, even if they do not see me that way now.

Why, oh why, Jacqui, would anybody blame you for feeling the way you do.  I remember, that on my very first day of school, I was told by the teacher to go stand in a corner because I had done something wrong.  I was devasted, I cried, I yelled - and in that moment a real fear was borne.  I believed that in order to feel safe, I had to be 'better' than anybody else, had to 'please' adults and anyone in authority.

I lived with that fear long enough.  For years.  Then, when I made a carrer shift and started to train as a psychotherapist (and that training included being in personal therapy for at least a year) I began to understand that my fears and self criticism were groundless.  I was valuable and worthwhile, and I was not here just to please others.  Now, I am FREE - almost always.  Of course, we all have moments of self doubt, but these are generated by our thought processes.

You can get over this.  Trust me on that.  I have seen it happen so many times.  I have sent you a PM.

Thyinking of you,

Amanda.

this sounds like me  over 35 years ago .. i had  learning and social problems in school

I was aslo the "black sheep"of the family from a family of high achievers.

i know of your plight    just reading your story throw is all forward from the back of my mind.

The key issue here,being here ,you are not alone ,others have gone throught many trials . Here some have allready exspressed their concerns for you

Sorry all but I can't not responed to this. I have looked in on here everyday and although I said I would never return there are some things in life I just cannot ignore. Whatever a few of you think of me please just put that to one side for now.

Jacqui!

I wish I could say this to your face but you are to far away so please just read this and read it very carefully. You say you are toxic! Toxic is poison in most cases , you are not poison you are a human being.

You may not realise it but to most of us you are very lucky , so why , is that what you are thinking? Well you are 23 years old , Old? No young , you have everything in your favour compared to most of us and what we had. You say you have nothing! Sorry you are wrong you have everything , you have the same as the next person but you have youth , a very powerful thing to have.

Ok you are transgender! When face to face with others like yourself I always ask 2 questions , one is would you rather had been born with no legs? Two is would you rather have been born in a country where your life expectancy is 10 years old? Everyone I have asked those questions to the answers have always been no , don't you dare lie to me and say yes to either of those questions.

Am I sounding harsh? I can assure you I am as soft as melting ice cream , anyone who knows me in real life will tell you that.

So let us have a look at some of the things you have written apart from feeling toxic .

You are scared or have fear! Well I can relate to that as will most here , you know you are loved and respected and you fear losing that? Sorry it is a chance you will just have to take , you are indeed going to have to take many chances in your life . You go on to say you are a failure as a child! You are not a child though you are a young adult. You feel like a failure? There is only one person who can change that and that is you.

So empty your head and start again, you are not a scared little girl as you say , you are a young woman with a whole life ahead of her.

It is obvious you are depressed and there is only one cure for that , no it is not anti-depressants either , they may help but the true cure is to just be yourself , that is your road to being happy.

It is not going to be easy but every step you take it will get better but , you have to take those steps because you are heading backwards right now , that again is not harsh it is a fact , you are only looking back and you need to look forward , the only way you are looking forwards is by comparing yourself to others , you are a unique indvidual.

You say why fight to survive? Because that is what we do , it is a basic human instinct. You say life is a fools game! Only a fool would say that and I am guessing you are not a fool "life is for living". So no one wins you say? Yes they do and you are no different , we don't only lose we try , not trying will get you no where.

This is where you go way off course. You say youth and beauty never last and health is for the rich? You are so wrong there, how about Whitney Houston as just one example? Beautiful and rich and very deceased. I can tell you now money will not buy you happiness , happiness comes from within , if you cannot find it then you keep searching "It is there" and it is not as you say an illusion.

Next you say nothing in this world is good! Sorry but I see a lot of good in this world , if you were in Syria I may agree but you are not there "Again count yourself lucky" but even in a place like Syria there is good going on , they like to show us the bad.

You feel less intelligent than your peers! Maybe but life is the best teacher and at 23 you have a lot to learn as yet.

Being transgender sucks? Sorry but you are wrong again , yes you were given the same card as us but if you just think positive and stop being so negative , your life can be as good as you want it to be , don't go setting your expectations to high to start though , it is a slow journey. You take your first steps and believe me everyday things will just get that little bit better.

I now guess you are thinking that is ok for me to say the above or , that is easy for me to say am I right? No need to answer I have heard it before . Well it was not ok for me or many others at your age , I was acually kicked out of school at 12 years old and had the crap beaten out of me by my own Mother for being different in her eyes , she put me in hospital on a few occasions too after a good beating.

So you look ahead only , think positive thoughts and get those negative ones out of your head , if I and others can do it then so can you too , we are both human beings and if you search you will find the strength I and others found to become yourself and find happiness . And yes I did lose my family , but what I have now I would say it was worth it , they never tried to understand but my many friends are now my family , and it is a very big family who understand me and accept me for who I am not what I was.

I cannot be your mentor but I will answer any questions you may have. I told you to take the first step! You have done that by coming here , now it is up to you to take the next ones . Stay here and learn from others , you will find support here , it is a special place with a lot of special people.

For now take care .

Julia x

This hurts, I have never made this common knowledge  a few people here know my personal history,   12 years old, discovered by my father, in bed in my sisters nightie, badly beaten, thrown out into the garden, no queers in this family.    I do know about despair and rejection, the  feeling of being different,    at that age, never heard of the word transexual,  but that night pervert and other words gave me an insight into what it was going to be like in the future.

your 23, you have a more mature understandng of your feelings.   Feelings, are not related to IQ quota's.   I suggest you make arrangements to find a proper gender councellor.

You will I am sure with proper help gain, contentment and satisfaction, leading a worthwhile life.  for years my response to everything was ''you don't know what its like being me'', but many here on this site do.

I owe you ladies and probably countless others that have passed over my post an apology. I really have no reason to feel as depressed about my life as I do. I came out to my parents a year ago as bi. They weren't thrilled about it, but literally nothing happened. My mom knows I'm trans, and it upsets her, but I worry about my dad. He is an older man that just reached retirement. I already worry about his health going down hill because he is out of work. What scares me more is that I could make things worse if this upsets him too much. I know a lot of what I wrote  before was not really grounded in anything rational. But that's the problem with depression and anxiety is that it makes being rational hard. In comparison to many of you ladies here, I know I have a lot of things I should be grateful for.

I live in an area with very few people like myself, or if there are a lot they just make themselves hard to find. So I don't get to hear other ladies stories often. A lot of what my problem is is that I feel isolated. I don't feel comfortable out in the mainstream portion of society or even in the local LGBT community. So I don't have a reliable support system yet so I feel like I'm all alone.

I know I am just as intelligent as the next person. I know this because I am extremely self aware. It's just a stigma I battle with that I am less intelligent or less reliable because I have ADHD. A lot of my anxiety comes from that disorder. I take medication, but the depression gets to me sometimes and I stop taking it because I feel like giving up.

Anyway... I'm sorry for being a whiny little bitch. I really don't have any reason to let myself be so down. And I don't hate being trans. I really can't stand heteronormativity, and the strain it puts on men and women like us. I just wish things weren't so complicated. I actually like being trans. I would have liked to have been born with a vagina more, but that's not what God wanted.

I am scared of the road ahead of me, but it's the one I have to walk.

Thank you all for being so blunt with me. I really needed a good reality check.

 EDIT: Jacqui you posted as I was typing but I will leave this post here.

Cristine is right Jacqui , you do need to seek proffessional help . We are strangers to you , and you are to us . What I wrote above I wrote as if I were in the same room as you , you would have been able to see in my eyes and hear in my voice warmth . I asked if, it sounded harsh! Reading it most likely does but it is in no way intended to be.

      Crissie and myself go back a long way , I learned a lot from her , we have shared a few things others do not know about our pasts , niether one of us had it easy and we have both survived pain beyond belief. There comes a point where physical pain becomes numb compared to the mental pain , broken bones can be fixed as mine were but the mental scars remain with you.

I don't know what kind of music you listen to , it can have a good influence on your mind at times. I metioned Whitney Houston! She was very beautiful and I admired her a lot ,  search the greatest love of all on youtube and have a good listen.

Two lines in the song say . If I fail if I succeed at least I live as I believe - No matter what they take from my they can't take away my dignity.

Myself now at 56 years old am very happy , I know what pain is , I know what depression was . Just please do not leave yours to long. I would never patronise you by saying I know how you feel , I can't feel your pain , no person can only you , I only know how I felt and it was not good but your age is on your side. Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all , another line from the song.

I am going to look through my files and maybe show you something , its not nice but it is a reminder of what I was.

Take care girl and thanks for the PM , Julia x

Hi Jacqui.

In the above post I mentioned I was kicked out of school at 12 years old! It was due to me revealing my true gender , after so long fighting with the teachers because they tried to force me into the showers with the boys they found out why.

Yes I shouted it out in class! What followed that very few people know about , it was a Catholic school and one of the teachers held me back after class , what he done to me remains a secret and only few know about it , my education ended that day.

I never through all of what went on lost the desire to learn , Crissie has been one of those teachers. Now at 56 years old I started further education this year , I am studying Engish and Maths as I need to for the third course which is Counselling. I never thought at my age I would be back getting a real education which was taken from me in such a cruel way.

I have no shame in myself and I don't want this to be about me , I want it to be a lesson in something you mentioned "Why fight to survive"

Image removed by myself I hope it helped.

Image removed by myself I hope it helped make my point.

Yes, Jacqui, I can relate. Like me, you are "clinically depressed". All those feelings you mentioned are the same ones I feel. in your later post, you stepped away for a second and knew that depression is filtering all your perceptions. But then you go back to feeling unloved/insecure/unhappy anyway. Been there this week. Accepting that I amTG has helped enormously, being happier with myself. Yes it came back this week and was not fun. But i stay on my Rx's, and i do not go into those holes that last months. try not to be alone; if you are around people it is enough of a distraction that you don't have the time to build on that small thing that pops into your brain.  i do not have people around me so it is harder,but I do have a friend here on GS that is also fighting with depression, and she understands, and I can at least Pm her, though you don't get an immediate reply that you probably need. Pm me anytime,  and if you are inthe states, you can have my phone number!

-Robin xxxx

Thank you all for showing your support. I have recently come out to my dad. I didn't go as bad as I expected, but it was not exactly good either. The only thing standing in my way now is finding a job, and of course my problems with depression. My depression has affected my feelings about transitioning now. I recently had my heart broken by another trans woman, and that heart ache has caused me to start worrying about how I will find love as a trans woman. I consider myself to be bisexual, but I seem to be dealing with stress of won't to find someone, but not knowing where to look. Truthfully, I am in no place to be trying to find someone right now, but the overwhelming urge for support and security is something I can't helpbut wantright now. I have started second guessing myself about transitioning.   

Many of us go thru that second guessing, this is a huge change. I've done it, wondering how it is going to affect the rest of my life.  Will I be happier, still, once I have fully transitioned? Also, remember, that depression makes you  question just about anything, and it is very hard to make a decision, about anythiing! Really, I went to a book store and had two motorcycle magazines, and i couldn't decide which one i wanted, so I didn't buy either. I would be on my way to go to the bookstore, maybe halfway there, and turn around because I decided a magazine wouldn't make me happy anyway, so why buy one? make sure you take that "filter" off before stopping your transition. Talk to your MD (you DO have a psychatrist, right?). You are young, lots of time to find "love"...  ; )  

Jacqui, Robin W, please remember thatdepression is to a greater or lesser extent a brain chemistry issue - which is amenable to treatment by medication (which ameliorates the symptoms), but many of the real life problems that arise from depression arise from perceptions - and frankly, medication can do nothing about perceptions.

A dual approach is necessary for the best possible outcome.  Medication to (at least to stabilize the brain chemistry issue) and also a course of therapy to help change the perceptions that cause so much damage is by far the best approach.  

I will be blunt.  Psychiatrists - when they are well trained and empathetic - are excellent.  However, for many, their input into the alleviation of depression is esentially palliative.  They can prescribe, and alleviate the symptoms, but they are not generally trained to deal with the perception issues that are so important in depression. 

Now, if we have any psychiatrists who are members of this forum, this is NOT a critcism of you as an individual. It IS a criticism of the school of thought that says "We can fix anything with the right drug."  If you are out there, and you disagree with me, PM me and we can discuss it in private.

I know, that as a psychotherapist, I cannot "cure" depression.  I know too that with my psychiatric colleagues, together we can.

Good therapy and well prescribed medication is the most likely solution.

Best to all,

Amanda

I agree, I have a psych MD who eventually found a cpmbination of three (!) Rx's that seem to stabilize my mood. I had a psychologist who worked on my "cognative responses" and even though I know in my brain I am letting a depressive filter change my mood, there is nothing I can doi about it.....the pull is much too strong, and I let myself be taken. Because one goes to a place that is familiar and safe. No reactions required.   

Hi Jacqui.

I took a chance here with you with the way I approached your thread , I think I made the right choice. I can spot a fake cry for help as I have seen so many of them and it is easy to spot the difference now . You? As soon as I read your first post I could see you were genuine and now you have put a face to the name too.

You can read through all of the responses you have had and if I were in your position I would be thinking well who is right and who is wrong? .  Simple answer is maybe all of them but not all of them are for you though. This must be confusing you! The answer to your problems is easy to put into words but is not so easy to put into your real life. After my harsh sounding start to this which was just reality you can hopefully move on more now. I am proud of you and you should be proud of yourself too.

Only you have the power to get yourself out of your situation and find true happiness , yes you will need some help and it will have to come from a proffessional .

The cure for your depression is to accept who you are and move forward and  find that one thing you need in your life "Happiness" Being your true self will bring you that happiness. I did say anti depressants will help but they are not the cure , it is a bit like sweeping it under the carpet  , as in covering the real problem up , it is just a sticky plaster.

As I said I am proud of you and also how far you have come in such a short time being here. This place is a mine of information and people who care but also understand. Please do not be miss-led! After all it is your life and you are unique , so just do it at your pace and the way you think best for you. Aviod anything you may live to regret , some girls your age may try to put this on hold thinking it may go away. Getting into a relationship and worst of all Fathering children! That you would regret unless your partner is well aware of your gender from the start , and I mean your true gender not the one you were at birth in body.

Good luck girl and look after yourself and follow your heart.

Take care , Julia xx

PS: Have a look on Youtube and search for Mariah Carey "Hero" You may think someone like her has no problems! She wrote that song for a reason , she needed to find herself because others were controling her and she felt alone . Listen to the whole song but here is the first line "Theres a Hero if you look inside your heart you don't have to be afraid of what you are" Wise words! No person should be made to feel afraid of what or "who" they are.

I will touch on something Julia said, that being your real self may lead to happiness. For me, accepting I was TG (after sooo many years fighting it) I am, now, somewhat happy. I see colors around me. I am still on teh Rx's, but the desperate feeling is pretty much gone...

well. most of the time,  anyway..   ; /

Jacqui! . You should not start second guessing about who you are that is what will cause future problems for you.

You cannot deny who you are and start on a course of pretending to be someone you are not you will regret it.

Depression and any medication is playing with your mind , you have admited who you are in this thread it will not go away.

I am putting a link here to an article written about me over 4 years ago , ignore the image you are young and I had an aguement with some hair colour. It was written by a student I met in my old home county , she was working in a newspaper office on work training. She done a decent job on this compared with some of the proffessional journalists who have written about me with their mis-quotes.

http://www.thefounder.co.uk/2010/12/born-in-the-wrong-body/     If I can do it then you can too , I hope it helps.

Crissie and Robin! Thank you for your input too! If we all give up on Jacqui then she will give up too.

You all take care , Julia x

I will PM you later Jacqui and respond to your post below very soon .

Every word of this song applies to you.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/ExNx4m4OXbE

Take care and look after yourself .

Julia x.

I am still dealing with doubts, but it not an overwhelming doubt. It only becomes a problem when I have to go a long time without dressing out. I get confidence in myself as soon as I put on any of my female clothes and makeup. I went to an LGBTQ conference in Alabama over the weekend, and I dressed out all weekend. My friends said they could see a huge difference in me when I dress out and when I wear guy clothes. They said I was more confident, vocal, and sassy, whereas dressed like a guy I am shy, timid, and (in their words) a bit of a buzzkill, lol. They said they like Jacqui so much more than Jacob, which in a weird way made me feel really good. I received a great amount of validation from friends and strangers. Of course I had to deal with dirty looks from people, but I didn't care because I had so many friends with me I knew I was safe no matter what. I always get a lot of positive responses when I dress out, and have been fortunate to not have had to deal with discrimination yet, but I know because I am not able to dress out fulltime I have not been open to discrimination yet. I know transitioning is what I have to do, but it's hard to remember that when I can't be myself all the time.   

Jacqui you have come a long way in a short time! Look at it like a jigsaw puzzle , you start at the edges and work your way inwards to complete it. Doubts are natural but it is clear you know who you are and it is hard work trying to be two people when you know you are just one.

I doubt that you doubt Jacqui it is the him part that is hurting the she , he is an act and she is real. You have made it very clear that you are happy as the true you and say even your friends notice it , I think that is your proof.

Seeing your post from the outside was one of the reasons I returned here , I could see you were hurting and needed some encouragement as well as advice. One persons advice could be totally wrong for you! Just because it is the way they do things or I did does not mean it is the way for you to follow.

I will say it again you should be proud of how far you have come since your first post and I am proud of you too.

I have been accused by many of being to observant! I always have been and if I see something that needs a response then a response it gets. I am pleased I responded to you the way I did .

If you take a look in the general forums you will see two threads! one says EMERGENCY!!! HELP!!! It took 22 minutes for a first response and I watched people offering help knowing full well it was some idiot playing games. The first post from that person was HELP! I can't handle being trans! More rubbish or trash as you call it. It is a times like that I have to join in and try to put a stop to it but others on this site think why do I do it? The answer is very simple . Why would anyone want to pretend to be going through what you and many others do? I only deal in reality not head cases who think it is fun to get attention from others by pretending to need help. Hopefully they will go away now and stop playing games about serious things and leave other members to concetrate on reality not fiction.

I removed the personal parts from my last post so I will PM you and explain .

Take care , Julia x

Jacqui Collins said:

I am still dealing with doubts, but it not an overwhelming doubt. It only becomes a problem when I have to go a long time without dressing out. I get confidence in myself as soon as I put on any of my female clothes and makeup. I went to an LGBTQ conference in Alabama over the weekend, and I dressed out all weekend. My friends said they could see a huge difference in me when I dress out and when I wear guy clothes. They said I was more confident, vocal, and sassy, whereas dressed like a guy I am shy, timid, and (in their words) a bit of a buzzkill, lol. They said they like Jacqui so much more than Jacob, which in a weird way made me feel really good. I received a great amount of validation from friends and strangers. Of course I had to deal with dirty looks from people, but I didn't care because I had so many friends with me I knew I was safe no matter what. I always get a lot of positive responses when I dress out, and have been fortunate to not have had to deal with discrimination yet, but I know because I am not able to dress out fulltime I have not been open to discrimination yet. I know transitioning is what I have to do, but it's hard to remember that when I can't be myself all the time.   

I'm a fair bit older than you, but I can definitely relate. Some of your words I could have written myself.

Madeleine : )