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Girls,
I guess that movie really got to me.
You need to know now, before I go any further with you, about a few things from my past. I've done some things of which I'm not very proud. On the other hand, I've been shit on more than a person has a right to.
GOOD STUFF - Today my wife wanted me to go to the Brown Elephant store to pick up some little knick knacks and to check out some file cabinets. I also saw this checkboard skirt. Some woman almost bought it before me. She put it up to herself and, I SWEAR TO THIS - I almost said "HEY! I'm gonna buy that!" I did buy it, treating myself. I like my skirts and dresses short to show off my legs. I was shaving earlier today. But as for coming out, I needed to tell some - not all - people. If it wasn't for TW, I would have never had to courage to come out. I still need to be mostly closeted
Anyway, I had to grow up in my "brother's" shadow. We haven't been brothers, or friends, for over ten years now. My wife is black, he's a social climber, and, on top of it, even though he's married, I got Karen. He loved to hit on my girlfriends all the time. He even kissed one in front me! Karen never wanted him. I met her through him. They were co-workers. She told him once that it was okay for me to ask her out. He never told me because he wanted her. To quote my wife, "I could never date him!" When I was growing up I was always told by everybody to be like him. No matter what I did, I was wrong and stupid. My first two years of high school were a living hell because of this. He did NOTHING to help. As long as I was #2, he was happy. He liked the fact that I was always known as "Charlie's brother," and not by my own name. Oh, by the way, he's a "Junior," having my dad's name. I couldn't handle my life anymore, so, against my father's wishes, I changed high schools.
So after a VERY humiliating experience at my first high school, I decided I had had enough and put on a tough front. Everyone saw a funny guy, but I was quick with a comment or a threat. I used sarcasm as my defense, sometimes hurting people who didn't deserve it. The person responsible for that humiliating experience showed up in band practice at my second high school. By then I was as big as him, no longer a geek (and quite the ladies' man), and ready to kick his fucking ass. I didn't have to raise a hand. He folded and got out as soon as possible. Then came college. In my last year of undergrad work I was an FUCKING JERK. I had a girlfriend back at home, 200 miles away, shagging other girls, and working myself to death to get into grad school. I was so upset one night I broke down in front of my friend, hating myself. And today we're still the best of friends.
But I was still angry inside and outside quite often. I was an angry driver. Anything could set me off because I was so sure someone was out to hurt me. 11 years ago, just before I started dating my wife, I was coming home from a church group practice! I was having a horrible day - my then-girlfriend was fucking me over, my job was fucking me over, then TWO people starting fucking with me. I exploded. I chased them down with my car, and, taking them both on at once, tried to beat the shit out of them. I had one dude on his back over the hood of his car, trying to smash his face in with my fists. The cops showed up. No charges were pressed. I felt like shit. I needed to feel like shit. I have never raised a hand to anyone since. I never want to.
My wife has rescued me. YOU have rescued me. Yes, I do have low self-esteem. I have an ever-pressing need for reassurance that I am loved. That's why I'm so worried about being a failure. I want to do good. I am a good person. I have friends. My in-laws are the best. I actually don't like to say "in-laws" because they are my family and have accepted and DEFENDED me. So please forgive me for my self-indulgence. I turn to you too much. I need to give more than I take. I want to give.
I hope you find it in your hearts to still want to be my friend after what I just told you. I just want love. I wish I could show you what I look like. Maybe with that new skirt! That store, by the way, is a TG friendly shop. It's run by a Gay/Lesbian/Transgendered organization. One of the people there is a T-girl. I don't feel afraid to put a skirt up to myself to see how short it is! I did that today with that new skirt! I love being Meredith. I embrace it and don't ever want to let it go. It's just a tough road right now.
Thank you. God/Buddha/Krishna bless you all.
