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I've been blogging you all to death here. Sorry. Just indulge me here for a few more moments.
I mentioned a few days ago about growing up in my asshole "brother's" shadow. When he went to high school and took up the french horn, my family decided I should be a musician too. Never mind the fact I was teaching myself guitar and songwriting, but that wasn't sophiticated. They asked me what I wanted to play. I said either the cello or the baritone horn. "NO! Take up the clarinet! It's easier to carry." Seriously, girls, that was the rationale.
So I took up the clarinet, which is a wonderful instrument. But it wasn't my passion. I became so good at playing it that in college my music prof asked me to specialize in the E-flat contrabass. I not only specialized, I KICKED ASS!!! At a clarinet festival one year I WAS THE FUCKING BEST!!!! Even the people who ran the festival there at the University of Illinois were forced to admit it, and they hated everybody who wasn't from that school! Maybe I played it so well is because it was my way of embracing the beautiful sounds the cello makes.
But my point here is about my insecurities. As I said, my life was determined by that jerkoff asshole "brother." The year after he graduated, at that same high school from which he graduated (and everyone was still in love with him and I was the geeky kid), I was playing in the first row of the band. In another year I would have been soloist, or so I thought. One day, not long before the humiliating incident I mentioned two blogs ago, the director told me to move my chair back one row, a major demotion. He did it in front of everyone, especially those who picked on me. His reasoning? I didn't pick up the candy I sold for a fund raiser soon enough. Then, after being humiliated beyond belief later in that other incident, I left the school, determined never to be hurt again. Of course, we all get hurt on a regular basis.
My second high school was great. I became soloist there my senior year. One girl thought I didn't deserve it and complained at first. I beat out her friend, who became my friend! But I wasn't trying to beat out anyone, just to play music. That's all I wanted - I didn't care if I was the spotlight. Then I dated the girl who first got mad! Nothing came of the relationship other than a friendship, for which I am grateful.
So, while I said I don't want the spotlight, I write these blogs so you know who I am.
