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Yes, I'm coming back here more and more. Why should I give up something I love? Why should I give up the people I love?
My friend asked my wife point blank a question a few days ago concerning our marriage. She made it clear that the door is open to talking soon, especially once I get a job. I hope so, because, quite frankly, I'm starting to reach the point where I'm going to just break out and do whatever I want. It's a chance, and one that I'm starting to think is worth it. Why should my life be on hold? This shit has been going on just over 5 weeks now. While the signs point to reunion, I also feel that if it's over, then let's get to it.
Yet, this Saturday is supposed to be our 11th anniversary. I have no idea how I'll handle that night by myself. During the day I'll be with my daughter, so that's good. We always have so much fun together. This has been so hard on her. She often cries at night. I'm still sending my wife a card. What she does with it is up to her.
I'm also making it clear to my friend that I am TG and nothing will change that. I defended you to him. He really started to lay in about you, saying things like "What have they done for you?" Well, besides everything, I guess he has a point now, right? Uh huh.
I wrote this in a forum posting - On Sunday, on the Discovery Health Channel, they had a one hour show called "Sex Change," where they profiled both an MTF and an FTM. It was done quite well, although they identified TGs as purely TSs, and that's just not true. The MTF transitioned when she was 50, and she looks fantastic. It also started to make me question my own life. While I doubt I will ever transition, I have thought about it many times in the past, and it's been in my head quite a bit since Sunday. I realize part of these recent thoughts are due to my current situation. I am made to feel that whatever I do is wrong, so why not take full advantage of who I am? When I get a new therapist I am going to start exploring these feelings. But, again, it's highly doubtful. Still, the idea is not an unpleasant one. I miss being able to dress. I have no private life whatsoever.
I'm playing the waiting game on jobs right now. I really need something immediately. I should be hearing any time now from some places. That's one of the things that will make my wife happy. And me, as well, since I should make myself happy first.
Anyhow, take care, all. Hopefully someday I can be back here every day. You can still e-mail me. That cannot be monitored. Jerks. I want to go shopping!
Mere
