|
|
|
Notifications
|
|
|
|
Hi all.
Well, it looks like it's definitely over. I was at my house yesterday for the birthday party. First she asked me upstairs to help with some decorations, and we exchanged a nice little conversation about books, work, etc. I felt no anger emanating from her. But the party was difficult. I almost broke into tears twice because I missed all that so much. I really haven't eaten in two days. I can tell she's struggling there. I should be there to help.
My daughter was gorgeous, as usual. She loved my gifts, especially the "That's So Raven" DVD I bought her. Hell, I wanted it! My future wife Anneliese Van der pol is on that show, if you don't already know. She can ravage me, really, I don't mind.
I did get free reign around the house and managed to get some clothes out of the basement. Today is the first day in almost 3 months I was able to really dress up, without wig and makeup, though. My friend will be home from church soon, and his kids are home (although sleeping), so I still need to be careful
But before we left I did have a chat with her. I told her how I was feeling, and what we might discuss in counseling. She pretty much told me she didn't want reconciliation (at least now), and - I was right! - was waiting until after the holidays to tell me. I asked her why wanted me to languish for another two months like that. She didn't want me to have a relapse (with booze) or go on some rampage (not going to happen). She has not dated anyone, nor does she want to. In an e-mail this morning she told me to go ahead and date. I don't want to, although some of the girls at work are pretty darn cute and like me. Especially this 19 year old half-Korean girl. Uh oh.
I haven't cried about this yet because it still hasn't really hit me hard. I'm still holding out some hope for when we go to counseling. But I'm not stupid either. Maybe it's because we haven't been together for a while now that I've become accustomed to her not being around. If anything we agreed to be good parents.
So who knows now what will happen. But FINALLY I have a handle on the situation, which is what I've been wanting for a long time now.
The other day I had to get out for a while. I went downtown to window shop. Victoria's Secret didn't have what I wanted! While walking down Michigan Avenue I did start to cry a little. Not out of sadness, but I remembered all the ways you girls have helped me. I will still never forget times when I was so distraught I wanted someone to call me, and, sure enough, Anna-Marie or Tressa suddenly phoned. I don't know how many times I've cried on the phone to them. I have tears now thinking of all the love you girls have given me. I don't care how many lifetimes it takes, I'm going to repay you all.
