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I find it both humorous and pathetically sad that people have this idea that when someone is gay, bisexual, pansexual or whatever, that it means that they are automatically attracted to those who have this mindset as though gays, lesbians, bisexuals and pansexuals have no standards. This is literally like saying that, simply because a person is straight, they are not only attracted to every member of the opposite sex, but they want to have sex with them as well )I use the term “have sex” as opposed to “sleeping with” because, to me, sleeping with someone is going to bed next to that person with the goal of getting some sleep). Everyone knows that this is not the case. At all. Everyone has standards. Everyone has a type.
For me, as a pansexual, I’m attracted to people who are kind, thoughtful, generous, delightful to be around, who have a good sense of humor, people with whom I can speak freely with about science and technology, etc. What I’m not attracted to are people who are rude, hateful, small-minded, who only dwell upon the negativity and who never allow anything positive in, liars, those who will judge others based upon their own lifestyles, etc.
I recently revealed to someone I sometimes associate with online that I am pansexual. I went on to explain that what a pansexual is: someone who finds themselves attracted to anyone regardless of gender. But, I went on to explain that it includes trans men and trans women and not only cisgender individuals.
She seemed to understand what I meant. But then, she went on to assume that, because I’ve revealed that I’m pansexual, that I’m attracted to her. She made it clear to me that she’s only attracted to men and that she doesn’t care that I “have a dick,” she still wouldn’t have sex with me. She then told me that she hopes that she didn’t hurt my feelings.
I let her say what she felt that she needed to say. This was something that was obviously bothering her, and I figured I’d let her vent to me as opposed to someone else who might retaliate.
When she finally finished, I told her this: "While I appreciate and respect your honesty, I can tell you openly that I’m not attracted to you sexually or otherwise. Contrary to popular belief, I do have standards and a type and you do not qualify for either. Yes, you did hurt my feelings by blindly assuming that I’m only interested in having sex with you. It especially hurt when you brought up the subject of my genitalia, which is a very sore subject indeed."
She didn’t get back to me immediately. When she finally did, she made mention of the fact that I’m so sweet and polite to her and that no one is ever so kind, loving and affectionate unless they want to turn someone on and have sex with them.
I told her that I’m putting on no act. The way I interact with her is the way I interact with everyone. I see no reason not to be courteous, interested in or caring of others. I’m naturally openly affectionate, not because I want to have sex with everybody, but because I want to show that I love and care about everybody.
It then occurred to me that the way she chose to word her observations regarding the reasoning behind people’s kindness and affection, perhaps, revealed something that she may have preferred to keep to herself. I then asked her whether she was finding herself being “turned on” by our dialog.
There was a lengthy break in our correspondence. She eventually admitted to feeling “slightly infatuated” with me. When asked for more details, she replied, “you’re so sweet to me and you treat me like a person.” I told her that it was because she’s never given me a reason not to. And, then I told her that it’s not a bad thing that she feels the way she feels and that there’s no shame in feeling an attraction to someone who treats them well.
I haven’t corresponded with this person since that incident. Perhaps, she’s out enjoying the weekend, perhaps she’s taking a break to sort out her feelings. Whatever the case may be, I’m not one to break off a friendship or even a friendly correspondence for a little incident like this. I just hope that perhaps, I’ve somehow helped just one person to overcome her own insecurities and ignorance.
