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Every once in awhile, I’ll stumble upon some old drawing of mine and all at once remember every pen stroke, every line, every curve, every thought and every emotion that went into making that drawing. Sometimes, I forget about the drawing altogether until some triggering event plucks it from my subconscious, as is the case with this one.
Tonight was a very difficult and painful one for me. It forced this image from my past out of my mind and onto this site.
When I drew this, I hadn’t come out yet. In fact, I hadn’t even come to terms with being transgender. Yet, here I am. She is me. Well, more specifically, she is a character from a series I’ve been writing now for years. She is a huge piece of myself; my alter ego if you will. And, I didn’t even realize that until just a year or so ago.
I suppose, that is the beauty of writing (and drawing). One can create and define oneself in secret, whilst paradoxically very openly, either consciously or subconsciously.
Sad and frightened as I am right now (as I was back then), I feel even more womanly and more in tune or in synch with myself now than I have for months, seeing and realizing that I have always known who I am. I just didn’t know it.
