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Nearly three months since I last posted. What happened? Living a life in the shadows became too much for Ariane to bear, and for a range of internal and psychological reasons she disappeared off to the realm of the imagination. Unfortunately her wardrobe disappeared also. That turned out to be an expensive mistake. Life was quieter for a while and also less interesting.
Then I realised (again) that I can’t run away from who I am. I was moving in new circles and came across some rainbow ambassadors (or allies as I think they call themselves now). Inevitably I came out to them and introduced them to Ariane. This was the excuse, if I needed an excuse, to indulge in some retail therapy. Ariane has been shopping for England. The theme is black once more, with heels and pearls. I hope there will be some pictures soon.
Unfortunately I then fell out with the rainbow types, for reasons unrelated to Ariane. I was quite down for a couple of days. Then I thought, I’ve never been good at doing my own make-up, now is the time to get better at it. So last week I went into my local MAC store (I chose MAC because of their trans-friendly reputation) and I said, I’m identifying as trans, I need some products, I need to know how to apply them, can you help me? They were very kind and booked me in for a lesson, which took place yesterday. This was on the shop-floor rather than a private room, which made me nervous, but I went ahead anyway. A lovely lady took me through it step-by-step until I was fully made up. She made me look natural and feminine. I think I understand the process better now. So I bought all the products she used (there goes my bank balance) and she gave me a MAC make-up bag to put them in for free.
I keep wondering what the future holds for Ariane. I’m hoping to find some supportive environments where Ariane can be more open with people who will understand – although I can never be fully open because of my family circumstances.
I also need to be careful about the company I keep. I like to think I have a loving heart but I am also quite fragile and I break easily. I don’t have many close friends. I’m always looking for meaning in relationships. I value emotional engagement, loyalty, kindness, integrity, mutual support, commitment. Is this a girl thing? Lots of people either aren’t ready for it or don’t want it. Anyway – Ariane is a life to be continued, and that’s more than I could say a couple of weeks ago.
