Once upon a time, a young man met a young woman. They were in the same college class and got acquainted. They liked each other, but things developed slowly and it was some years before they started thinking about each seriously. One day, the man realised that he loved the woman.
They grew closer. He took her away to a European capital city and asked her to marry him. To his great delight, she accepted. He wasn’t sure whether she loved him, but she acted as though she might. Maybe also she felt a little sorry for him. She was stable and well-balanced, but his childhood had been difficult and he was emotionally up and down. He was kind to everyone though; she liked that.
The man had a secret. It wasn’t much of a secret, because he hadn’t done much about it. He knew from an early age that he was different from other young men. He had developed an interest in all things female and feminine. He wasn’t sure whether he should, and so he kept this in a separate room from his faith room and his relationship room. Sometimes it would come out to play, but not for long, then he locked it up again.
The man and the woman produced a family. They both thought their children were the most lovely children in all the world. Even years later, they agreed that bringing their children to life was the best thing they had ever done. They moved out of the city and into a quiet part of the country. The woman’s family lived there.
As years went by, they had some good times, but they also had some bad times. This was generally down to the man. His mental outlook started to suffer and he became quite a difficult person. No one really knew why. Probably there was a whole host of reasons. One of them did not seem important at the time. This was a growing disconnect between how he presented to the world and what he felt himself to be inside. His inner spirit was disintegrating. He did not tell the woman about this, because she had very traditional views on identity issues and he knew she would be upset.
Everything faded away. His faith said goodbye to him. Eventually his mental condition became so bad that he had to give up work. He submitted to a range of treatments. These included increasingly strong medication, with increasingly strong side-effects. Under pressure from the woman, and his doctor, he spent a month as a voluntary patient at a psychiatric hospital. This was the worst time of his entire life. He could not engage with the programme at all. At the end, he knew that the system had failed him, just as he had failed the system.
There was nothing to do after that but stay at home and wait. He was at home for years, seeing almost no one except the woman and their family. Every day he had to struggle to stay alive until the overnight oblivion took the pain away. It was very hard for the woman in particular. She could not understand why he was ill and why he did not seem to want to get better. He became increasingly withdrawn and she could not reach him.
One day, years later, he reached the end of the road. Faced with an existential dilemma, he decided to start engaging with life again. Very gradually he said yes to more and more things. About six months later he started to feel normal again.
His life developed quickly after that. His faith returned and he learned to become a social animal once more. But his growing sense of femaleness made him uneasy. The woman still did not know and their relationship was not nearly as good as it had been.
About a year ago, the man realised that he could deny his femaleness no longer. Although very frightened, he revealed this side of himself to a couple he had known for a long time. They were very kind to him. They listened to him and helped him to start exploring his female side in all sorts of ways. But he was still fragmented inside.
A month ago the man made a decision that would change his life. He gave in to his female side and allowed it to take over. Within a very short time he experienced a tremendous lightness of spirit. Everything about him changed. He had become a whole person. He found it much easier to be kind to everyone he met. Others noticed this too.
One thing remained. This was to disclose his new sense of identity to the woman and their children. He knew this would be the hardest thing of all. But it was done: children first, and then the woman. In fact it was the children who insisted on telling the woman themselves.
That was a very difficult night. The woman and the children were very upset. Despite that, there was no immediate crisis. The man thought they might come to accept it. And he no longer had to hide this side of himself away. Very soon afterwards they went on holiday together to another European capital city. They had a lovely time and he really thought everything would be all right.
But the storm was merely postponed. The woman put his disclosure out of her mind until they returned to England. One evening when they were alone, everything came out. She was very upset, the children were devastated, she felt betrayed by his telling his friends before her, she had put up with so much that was difficult for so long, she did not think their family unit would ever be happy again, she had not signed up to be married to a woman.
She asked him whether he still wanted to be married. He said yes, but if she didn’t, he would have to manage as best he could. She also asked if he was gay. That was an easy one. He freely admitted to having no interest in men whatsoever. She seemed relieved by that. Eventually her emotions subsided.
How did the man deal with all this? In so many previous arguments he had been defensive and inwardly agitated. Either he would refuse to engage and she would come angry. Or he would stand his ground and she herself would quickly disengage. But this time he felt very calm throughout. He knew that he had crossed over to the other side and there was no going back. His sense of wholeness and self-acceptance was so great that nothing could disturb him.
What did this mean for their relationship? The woman did not understand or accept what he had done, but neither was she running for the exit. She would clearly need more time to think and process. Life would return to normal until the volcano erupted again.
The man made a promise to himself. On the very next opportunity, he would release the girl inside and spend at least a few hours living inside her in the world outside.
and katieglover
