February 3, 2006 9:48 PM GMT
To me there is a difference between the definitions of “passing” and “blending in”. Personally, I think I usually blend in reasonably well, don’t attract many stares when I’m out, but when I get close enough people do read me. It’s not about voice, mannerisms, deportment etc, it’s about the shape of my face, and until I take the plunge and have surgery to disguise my male markers there’s not much I can do about that.
However, Laura imagines that it would be “hell to be full time and not pass”; maybe I imagined that too before I tried it, but it isn’t, really, it’s fine. Yes, I would rather pass, my goal is to be accepted as a normal woman, right now I feel I’m being accepted as a transsexual, which isn’t so bad actually, and is something that many of us may have to make do with. I’m sure it has its positive points. In this day and age people aren’t shocked and disgusted to meet transsexuals (ok some of you may have not found this to be the case, I’m speaking from my own experience). I find people want to talk to me, want to learn more about it all, they want to understand, and they are glad to have that chance. In short, they are pleased to meet me, and all I can do until I reach my goal of totally passing, if I ever do, is leave them with a good impression, show them that people like me are just normal people, maybe even quite nice!
I wouldn’t suggest that we should all take that attitude, it’s a personal thing, and to be honest I’ve surprised myself by doing all this. But if there is one thing that will help us all be better accepted by society it’s being seen in public, taking away the mystery, giving the chance for ordinary people to meet you first hand. People fear what they don’t know, what they don’t understand, or if they don’t fear it, they can only speculate as to what it’s all about. Living in stealth, passing as woman, won’t help anyone understand this any better, so I for one am proud to be able to go out and take away some of the mystery. But this is not my lifetime mission; though I see no reason for me to live in total stealth, I would like to be completely passable so I at least have that choice.
Whether we like it or not, the situation here at the moment is that the NHS will only prescribe us hormones after we have started the RLE, even then, hormones in most cases are not going to change your face sufficiently to allow you to pass in most situations. Even if you go privately you still need to do the RLE before you can get a referral for surgery. So we are between a rock and a hard place. Basically, if we want to change our life the way we know it needs to be changed, then we have to go out there, do our best, accept that most people will see us as transsexual, and just get on with it.
It’s not so bad though, although there may be certain issues to work through, avoiding them certainly won’t help. If you want it, do it, and be proud that you are doing it.
xx
February 3, 2006 10:29 PM GMT
Lucy,
Your post gives one a lot to think on. Going from hiding away, to sneaking out to going out as a TG trying to fool people as to what we are. We spent so long trying to pretend we were other than what we were. Yet, if we successfully hide as a "woman", aren't we still hiding. Won't we still be carrying that bit of fear of discovery and self-loathing because we are admitting that we have something to hide from the world. I think you are right. We should aim to "pass" but not to hide. Be the best we can but be ourselves and proud of it, or at least, not ashamed.
December 14, 2007 8:48 PM GMT
Passing isn't important to me, being accepted is and I do make that distinction. It has never been thrilling for me to go anywhere dressed, it has just felt completely normal. In drab I used to be concious of having to put on an act all the time, en femme I don't have to, I can just be me. So, rather than thrilling, it has been relaxing and normalising (is that even a word, lol).
Nikki
September 27, 2009 4:17 PM BST
as I threw out every bit of male clothing over 4 years ago and don't ever intend to wear any shape or form of pants/trousers ever again I have to say I'm glad there are a lot of of young and older women wearing skirts around my area...
passing is dependant on whom I'm face to facing...bigotted black woman in railway station yesterday (don't give me any crap about being racist until you read about Jamaica trying to put an end to any sex on the island except natural penis into natural vagina and 7 years in jail for anything else) reading me and putting her ugly face on and deliberatly saying 'sir' after the ticket price. this is the second time she's done it and each time I've had to let it go cos the train was due but next time I use the train I'll go early and if she sirs me again she'lll be in deep s***...but in the last week I've been shopping several times, to a conference, to hospital appointment in taxis, buses and trains and invariably get the 'miss and love' without the stare that tells me I'm passing fine...what is annoying me now is that its the windy season and I think when the hair is blow back it shows my male pattern baldness but then people don't stare so maybe that's just a bit of residual TS paranoia.
yesterday I called in our local open air concert arean and listened to the irish folk singers for a few moments along with a mainly teens and twenties audience and as usually I was invisible as even if they glance at me the impression is old woman... LOL
I just have to be a bit careful around groups of teenage girls cos they really do minutely examine every woman.
September 27, 2009 8:52 PM BST
I went Out in public, for the first time, over three months ago. Since that time I have been trying to understand the feelings I had that day. I knew one thing was missing but could not put my finger on it. Today, after reading this thread, I understand what it was. It is wonderful how the people at TW, sharing their thoughts, feelings and experiences, over and over helps others to find their way. Thank you all for today, for me.
September 30, 2009 2:15 PM BST
It's great to see this article resurface and I was considering whether things have changed for me.
They haven't. There was never any 'thrill' to being in public at all, just a overwhelming sense of calm and good feeling knowing that this is how is was meant to be.
Nikki
January 7, 2010 1:33 AM GMT
Hi Cathy,
I'm also a bit old and a bit tall to pass but I wish we were geographically closer. I'd love to go on a shopping trip with you.
Welcome to TW,
Melody
January 7, 2010 4:09 PM GMT
Just thought about this, suprising how one progresses, Losing the thrill of handwashing those delicate items, now grabbing a six pack of panties cheap and a two bra pack, just so you can throw them in the washing machine on a daily basis, getting to the ordinary stage, lol, when at the begining everything depended on the delights of choosing underwear with great care and discernment. Now dependant on loved ones buying those special occasion undies for you on birthdays and christmas.
Cristine
January 14, 2010 6:06 PM GMT
Hi Traci,
Bummer.
But, hey, you did it as Traci which is a good thing indeed. Consider it a dry run for the next interview. The job market being what it is, just getting an interview is an achievement. Most resumes get tossed in the waste basket unread.
Feeling your pain,
Melody
January 14, 2010 6:56 PM GMT
Hey Traci, don't feel bad about not getting the job. Sounds very much like the real loser here is the firm that could have benefitted from your skills! Keep going as Traci and when you get the job you want it'll be for who you really are.
Good luck.
Rae xx