Hi girls,
I was pretty unsure where to put this one, but I thought "passing in public" is just fine. If Katie disagrees, she is free to move it wherever it fits best.
Anyway...
It's been a long time since I wrote something in here. The last time I was active in these forums was back in the days when I saw Jules Jule post a lot in here. (is she still active?) Still, I remember some of the users in here like Laura, who is desperately trying to keep the German forum active. Laura, maybe I'm trying to help you out a bit there.
Well things have changed a bit. I started studying while still working, so my free-time is pretty limited. I considered myself as being a transvestite and came out to a lot of my friends and parents almost a decade ago. About 3 years ago, me and my girl-friend broke up, since she didn't feel like having a boy-friend rather than someone in between the genders. But, to make things clear - that was not THE reason, more like one among some others, that I felt too and made me too think about if it's smart to keep up the relationship. I totally understood her and we are still more than just good friends. It just didn't work out anymore. Nevertheless, I've enjoyed every bit of those 6 1/2 years.
So I was on my own again and since I live alone, I started to wear womens' clothes more occasionally. But only in my flat. I was still "in the closet".
One day (about 2 years ago), I had to go to University on saturday morning (yeah, quite nerve-racking if you ask me *G*) and thought "why not walk out as a girl?". I knew, I was afraid, but I had this sense of "now or never". If I don't get over my fears, I'll maybe regret one day that I never tried to fight them.
So I was going to University by tram and bus - wearing a misssixty, some 6cm-heels womens shoes, a bra stuffed with socks and a nice pullover over it. That was kinda like the start. From that day on I started wearing womens' clothes in public more frequently until I reached the state, that I only wore men's clothes at work.
This happend almost 2 years ago. I've learned a lot from that and agree with what many others in the forums say: Walk proud and head up high - and nothing will be as bad as one thinks it might be.
One thing - which is like the essence of it all - is, that you are not as important, as you might think you are. Not everyone will look at you or even notices you. They are busy with other things. It's not like you walk into a supermarket, everyone freezes, looks at you and the only noise you hear is this grassball that is going from left to right. It's more like some of them might notice you, but won't say anything most of the time.
Passing - and that's the point where I made the decision to post it in here - is something you have to define for yourself. If you're still male (no hormones, just plain clothes and some make-up) it's hard to appear so convincing that no one might even think that you're male. But the way you act with them or the way you present yourself makes it easier to "blend in".
I don't wear supersexy stuff. I would consider my looks as feminine but not in a way that screams out loud "Look at me! I'm beautiful!". I don't need to wear a skirt or a dress to feel feminine or to create the illusion that I was feminine. I tend to dress myself as any other ordinary woman. The only condition is, that I need to feel good in what I wear.
Thus, people don't feel the need to look at me, or don't even see, what my true gender is. Not because I appear convincing enough but more because I look too normal to be reckoned.
I made a suggestion that estimated 50% don't even notice me. 25% are too much of a coward to say something or just look away. And about 25% notice me and give some sort of a reaction. This can be just girlish giggle, a shout like "Look, there's a fag" and in the worst of all cases you're insulted and being spit at. But I experienced only two situations in which that happened and I pitty those, because it was so clear that they tried to compensate their own problems with that - and failed. I laughed about them.
I got a first look on how to put on make-up and I gotta say, even if I know a bit more now, the result may be better than before, but it sure isn't convincing.
But it's easy for me to go out in public as Andrea. Sure, there still is this little feeling of fear but the more you are happy with yourself and show your "weakness" in public so obvious for everyone to see, it's getting hard for those who want to hurt you. Make your weakness your strength.
My friends are still with me. Not a single one turned his/her back on me. My parents support me still and I'm having my first appointments at a psychotherapist who is supposed to help me find which way I want to go. (Emphasis on "I". I don't want others decide upon my life)
So here I am now. More Andrea than ever before and maybe starting to take hormones in a few months - or not. Wherever my feelings will drag me.
To make a long story short: Try to pass. Not by overdressing in order to be REALLY feminine. Stay yourself. Feel good in what you wear. Even if that means sneakers and just a pair of jeans. Passing is about how you feel - not how you look.
P.S.: If I did some mistakes like tenses, wrong words, spelling...don't blame me. *G*
