going out in public

  • July 12, 2009 1:32 PM BST
    dear girls ,i have been going out dressed for ten years now and this is in new york city.i now belong to a great meetup group and we meet every thursday night at a place called the nowhere bar which is in manhattan.when i go there i am fully dressed when i leave my house and i drive to the subway station and take the train into the city.this means that i am in full view from the time i leave the house till i am riding the train coming home.and i have enjoyed every moment of it .just walking downtown is a pleasure and its such a great feeling hearing your heels click on the pavement and have your skirt swish around your legs.love phylisanne
    • 1195 posts
    July 12, 2009 8:35 PM BST
    Sounds like great fun. Next time I'm in NYC I'll let you know. What happened to the bars in Bklyn? There used to be four for every block in Bay Ridge. I guess times have changed. I remember when...
  • August 3, 2009 3:49 PM BST
    HI :
    I have been going out in public for over 20 years. Just couldnt take pressure of not full filling my heart and soul so now becoming the dear woman that has been in me for 53 years. I started dressing at age 7. My first dress was full dress with built in petticoat very fluffly. Full. A day to remember if nothing else. The day I wore my first dress. UMMM an today everyone says I look great in dresses. Most say I look great in anything. I live full time almost as a woman now. I work on week ends as male . I am looking for low income assistance for SRS.
    Yes going out in public is not just putting on a face. If all you want is sex then well thats all you need. That is not me.
    So learning how to pose naturally for a photo. How to walk an act like a woman. Then what kind of woman. How to walk. Men/Women are not the same. Your walk will "Clock You" in a sec.
    Me I pose and sit like a woman naturally. I hold my fingers in a natural stance not a grip like a man. I open my mouth slightly carrying a slight open smile lots of the time. Joy is a very important part and function of my Life. Flows thru every single female thing I do. Your mind is over hauled. You must want "to be able " to loose the Male overide in you. Letting the Female in you over power and be at peace finally. We have been women inside for so long. You must bury Mr. XXXXX and become Miss XXXXX. In all ways. Even at the toilet. Women dont stand. Here i an talking to the ones of us with out SRS.
    It is funny I have had a stash of female clothes since age 7. Not one time was my stash ever found. Now its wonderful with a walk in closet and 90% of it all womens clothes. I was born in California an moved to iowa in 1970. Now Iowa has nothing for me . where to go? I will move when I do as Miss Susan Marie Paige leaving my male name behind. I have a Flag being sent to me for my New Year as Miss Susan Paige from my senator a flag off the White House July 30, 2009 . cant wait to recieve it. that was my birthday.
  • August 7, 2009 3:54 AM BST
    The first few times I went out in public, I was genuinely surprised by the lack of negative response. There is a British English idiomatic expression about a man on a galloping horse not noticing anything, and I think that had a lot to do with it, together with the fact that I minimised my speaking. I'm ashamed to say also that I had to have a few drinks of rum beforehand (i.e. Dutch courage) to be able to do it. But then after a few excursions out when everything went more or less smoothly, I had a few really bad experiences and totally lost my confidence. The result was I stopped going out en femme for many months. I never figured out what, if anything, was the difference between my behaviour or dressing when things went smoothly and when I had the problems (people gawking and laughing). There probably was no difference really, and was most likely down to bad luck. The urge to go out again is now very strong, and so I will probably venture out again fairly soon in a carefully selected environment.
    • 1083 posts
    August 7, 2009 4:40 PM BST
    Hello, dears--

    We all have good and bad experiences.

    What we learn from them is key, though.

    Every so often, even I have to screw up enough courage to go out. Since I live mostly as a woman anymore, you'd think this wasn't an issue. But if I'm out of town, such as I was a week back, you don't know where is "safe." Those are the times that you have to take your chances and just do it.

    Did I get read last week? Probably. Even in makeup, wig, the girls in place and in very femme clothing, I felt like I looked like I had been driving in the heat for three hours, which I had been.

    Did I care? Not really. It's not like I'm going back to that place very soon. The mall I stopped at was a bit run down for my tastes. The McDonald's was good (though I was read like a cheap novel, I am sure), and the folks at the Starbucks treated me like the woman I am.

    Am I going out this morning dressed? Yes, as I have some errands to run. I can't allow myself the luxury of being afraid to stop me, or I'll never leave the apartment dressed again.

    Courage comes from the doing, luvs. Do it enough and you either get used to it, or you get good enough to not get read all the time. Either way, it's good.

    Luv 'n hugs to all,

    • 1083 posts
    August 7, 2009 8:03 PM BST
    "...when you do it daily, it becomes such a part of normal life that there is no 'going out dressed' anymore."
    is not quite true--though there is a lot of truth to it. It becomes "normal" because when you do it so often it becomes the routine.

    I have found that it never totally becomes normal, unless you live full time as a woman. While I do live most of my time as a woman, I also have certain things that I must present as a man for. (Paying the rent is one of those times; my SO is most insistent on that.) So for me, while I live almost 93% of my time as a woman anymore, I find I still have to be careful; thus, going out dressed as opposed to not. I also admit that for me, most of the time "dressed" means I have my wig and full makeup on. Almost all my clothes are women's clothes anymore, and I almost always have at least mascara and a lipgloss or lipstick on; no girl leave the house without at least that much makeup on and I am no different in that respect.

    You are quite correct: In those times I choose to be, I present more androgynous than male, if not feminine. And yes, most others don't care as well.

    Luv 'n hugs,

    • 1912 posts
    August 7, 2009 10:13 PM BST
    I think it is "normal" when you go out the door and realize that you forgot to do your eyes or maybe didn't put the earrings on that you had thought about earlier. I think that is a sign you are comfortable with yourself no matter what you look like when you step out the door. Don't get me wrong about maybe not caring how you look, just that you are not going to panic when something like this occurs. Routine is more like having a checklist and making sure you completed each step. You do this before that, etc., etc.

    We all have routines, I moisturize and put on light concealer around my eyes, let that soak in, then do my mineral powder foundation and blush. Sometimes I do my eyes, sometimes I don't. Lip gloss tends to be a must for me. Now that I am 100% fulltime, I find that some of my best days are ones where I race out the door. Kind of that gal next door look. I don't exactly dress to impress, but I do want to look clean and up to date in what I wear. Bottom line is I try to fit in with what others are wearing.

    • 181 posts
    August 10, 2009 5:55 PM BST
    Both Phyllisanne and Susan both have VOLUMES to teach a lot of the " Gals " out there. I see it every time I go out to a trans event or to a support group meeting . I see te Gals still hanging onto their OLE GUY HABBITS ! Well ladies , STOP ! yes stop it right now . You spend to freakin hour slathering on de " War Paint ' , three hours trying on Heels , and an hour tring on skirts so............. you sit there with yer legs spread wide open ........ ? Huhh.......... no wonder gus look at ya'all wierd ! You got yer elbows up on the table swilling a beer and you swagger to the lades room ,you ought to be ashamed . You know who you are too, I'm tired of repeating this as I have said the same thing on a couple of Yahoo groups only to be told to SHUT DE F UP ! Well, now some one else has said it quite eloquently too, thank you both ! Ellen S
  • August 16, 2009 10:54 PM BST

    I think we all start out, scared. I watched the women in the shopping malls and learned what they wear, how they carried themselves etc,,,,,,,,I try to dress to blend in, not stand out. I have been read of course, but most times I have no idea as I do not look around to see who is looking at me...Just act like you are supposed to be there. I am always watching for fem manerisms, where they carry their arms, how they walk, Each time i go out it is easier and now never an issue at all. Just have to check makeup all the time
    I cannot say I have had a bad experience, but hey this is Canada!
    Lately I have been returning from the USA into Canada as Brenda, without proper ID and still no issues.

    Hugs Brenda

    This post was edited by Former Member at April 22, 2011 8:25 AM BST
    • 181 posts
    August 17, 2009 9:13 PM BST
    Brenda , thank you for re-inforceing what I say to everyoe when they want advice on going out ! Ya really made muh day girl ! Ellen S
    • 430 posts
    August 23, 2009 8:21 AM BST
    I think the best tip I could give is to not think. Stop thinking about being fem & just do it already.

    I used to give myself away because I would think about how I would say something before I said and practice it my head and then muck it up when I went to talk. Sure practice and learn everything you can, but once you walk out the door, just relax and concentrate on doing what ever it is your planning to do, even if its just "gee this is good coffee" or "mmmm cute shoes". I know my voice will never let me down (I practised all the time, then got a job in a call centre where I was ONLY a voice)....... unless I think about it. Still to this day, my voice never sounds right if I'm thinking of how I need to sound.

    We know we're women so why think about it to much? Most people are too concearned with whats going on in their heads to worry about you. Relax and you will blend
  • November 1, 2009 8:05 PM GMT
    sounds like great fun to me
    • 1 posts
    November 9, 2009 10:37 PM GMT
    Well after almost 3 years of Hormones the changes are really becoming the reality, inasmuch as I went to a state office this morning and everyone has to sign in and so I did and there were about 8 other women in the waiting room and I was en femme but I had signed my male name and the woman at the counter called for several other peoples names similar to mine and there was no response then she called my name and looked around the room and said who was the last person to sign in and I said me and she responded by saying she wasn't sure on the name, well I went up to the counter and she asked me if my husband or boyfriend had signed in and I told her no, which raised her eyebrows a little bit and then she smiled a very warm smile and said that she really liked my fragrance (Sand & Sable), what could she help me with, the business completed I then told her about my transitioning and she said honestly she would have never known. I absolutely loved hearing that , I had passed with flying colors, I'll say one thing that sure made my day, and it just got better when I went and had lunch and I asked for the restroom key and the girl handed me the woman's room key. Let me tell you my day was complete, so I came home and one of my neighbors said just about the same thing in regards to the fragrance I was wearing, she then looked at me and said what is different and so we went to her apt and I told her about my transitioning she said that was way cool. So to end this I guess I passed..........LOL Hugs, Lynn
  • November 10, 2009 5:39 AM GMT
    I have to say wow at such stories and to dress like a women in public is making want to get rid of my masculine features at a faster pace so I can come out in public looking nice. Of course this will take sometime for me to fix since I have a 5 clock shadow that I really want to get rid of and right now I am on a diet. If any one can help me with getting rid of my masculine features I will be greatful.

    • 2 posts
    December 30, 2009 7:15 PM GMT
    I believe that gestures are more important than physical image. Voice, hand movements, facial expressions, walk, posture etc. and of course self esteem
    • 43 posts
    November 26, 2010 10:37 PM GMT
    Hi Rachael,

    Sorry to hear about your bad experiences.

    Going out the first few times was really scary - I'm sure there are a few who will remember going out in the dark or just to run to the salon.

    I was genuinely surprised how few people notice in busy city centres and I've stopped looking to see if people have read me.

    Funnily enough I had my oddest "read" while out this week during the day as I was on vacation. After a day of being largely ignored and a few friendly smiles from GGs, I was heading back to my car when a black girl walking near me stopped in her tracks and looked in my direction. I was being so dense, I looked round to try and see what she was looking at. She then turned round had another look, then another and mumbled something about "Is that a man?" to her gang of friends. I heard a couple of shouts then a teenage boy came up along side me had a good look and asked me if I was gay. I said nope and asked if he was which kind of surprised him! I just ignored them and continued on. I was kind of expecting something else but they just lost interest and walked off in the other direction. Strangely no laughing and no insults.

    I'm sure that everyone here has had to put up with something like this or worse but as I was on the edge of the Gay Village in Birmingham I suppose it's not that unusual to see the odd sight (and I am a sight up close).

    Funniest bit was when I took a ring back as I'd been sold the wrong size. The girl serving me started referring to me to a colleague as a chap then thought about it, gave me a smile and changed to referring to this Lady. Sweet. :-)

    I am lucky that so far I've had the odd laugh or shouted comment but nothing intimidating. But I do try to avoid areas that aren't heavily populated and just wander round like I would in drab not looking for trouble or acting strangely (other than the clothes, wig and heavy make up).

    I hope you get your confidence back as there are lots of nice people out there who will treat you with respect.
    • 2017 posts
    August 7, 2009 8:54 AM BST
    Sorry to hear of your bad experiences Racheal but remember the good ones too. Some people will always find someone to poke fun at and talk about whether it is to do with their gender, sexuality, colour, race etc, or even the way they dress. I wouldn't get too upset about it, just move on if necessary. If it happens inside somewhere like a cafe, go and tell the management.

    People are curious about what they don't see everyday, and in the case of (usually young) men, they only have two responses; violence or laughter. Neither is nice but don't let others put you doing your own thing.

    Good luck, I hope you get out there again soon.

    • 2017 posts
    August 7, 2009 4:51 PM BST
    Also Mina, when you do it daily, it becomes such a part of normal life that there is no 'going out dressed' anymore. At the very least I'm androgynous every day, if not feminine and I don't even notice it anymore. The best part is, neither does anyone else, or not enough to either be sure of who I am, or to care.

  • August 7, 2009 5:52 PM BST
    was I read or not? thats the question I asked myself in the waiting room of the hospital today after a guy gave me that piercing stare...maybe he was reading me...but then his woman was such an obese mess he might just have been wishing...LOL...but the trip and the surgeon were nice so who cares...
    • 2017 posts
    August 7, 2009 9:18 PM BST
    I have to say it has become normal for me, I reached the point where I would get weird looks when I try to present as male so it was easier to just not do that anymore. My hair is mine, I always wear make up and earrings etc so the only real difference for me now is wearing a skirt instead of jeans or femme trousers.

    But that's me, I'm weird!

    • 2573 posts
    November 10, 2009 3:21 AM GMT
    What a great story, Lynn.

    The only time I have been out in "public" I thought it was L.A.PRIDE day but it was, in fact, St. Murphy's Day. One disaster after another. No way I was going home after all the effort of getting there, even after missing the Parade. Besides I was representing TW in my TW T shirt. I had even decided to go from Gender-bending to going en femme. It turned out, other than the disasters, to be pretty much an ordinary day out. Physically miserable but an interesting experience. I definitely did not feel cross-dressed. I was just Wendy being Wendy and soon forgot what I was wearing and that I was wearing cosmetics....well, summer in L.A. is like melting. Thankfully I have (most of) my own long hair and dispensed with a wig. I'm sure everyone knew what I was but then I was wearing a TRANNYWEB T shirt and a TW News Editor badge. It was a question of PRIDE, after all. I wanted people to know I was what I was. I was surprised at how comfortable I was being an openly transgendered person who was read by one and all...and treated like a lady.
  • October 27, 2011 6:56 PM BST
    Fiona Lochaber said:
    I think the best tip I could give is to not think. Stop thinking about being fem & just do it already.

    I used to give myself away because I would think about how I would say something before I said and practice it my head and then muck it up when I went to talk. Sure practice and learn everything you can, but once you walk out the door, just relax and concentrate on doing what ever it is your planning to do, even if its just "gee this is good coffee" or "mmmm cute shoes". I know my voice will never let me down (I practised all the time, then got a job in a call centre where I was ONLY a voice)....... unless I think about it. Still to this day, my voice never sounds right if I'm thinking of how I need to sound.

    We know we're women so why think about it to much? Most people are too concearned with whats going on in their heads to worry about you. Relax and you will blend


    very very great post!

  • June 10, 2012 11:45 PM BST
    I went out for the time two weeks ago an no one so much as looked twice I found out that if you think you look good and act like your just doing what ever most will not even look twice
  • June 13, 2012 6:00 AM BST
    I remember several months ago when I started going out full time as a woman and I just act like myself. I did get stared by one person but I tried to not stare back and just ignored them like nothing was wrong. I felt a huge burden come off me when I went full time because no longer do I have to force myself to be something I wasn't and be what I should have been a woman. I have strong confidence now and no longer do I get nervous when I go out and feels great to be the true me.
  • October 27, 2012 3:24 PM BST
    I just want to say thank for all the encouraging posts here. As a new person here (this is my first post) I find that hearing stories from those with more experience helps to give strength to continue my journey to femininity.
  • April 10, 2013 4:23 AM BST
    I've been doing it for years, sometimes I get read, but 99.8% of the time they just see Alexis.
    • 1 posts
    July 20, 2013 8:07 PM BST

    Hi  I read about your experiences and I can say I have experienced similar. I live in the westcountry and regularly go out in Torquay, I have recently ventured out more and mostly I find everyone ok, even friendly. However there are a few people who I would'nt want to meet again, the crazy thing is I think I pass quite well in public judging by the fact people ushally are'nt sure to start with.  Anyway my point is that im getting really annoyed by it all and feel im a victim of discrimination as are most transgender people I guess.  I have been wondering whether there is anything that can be done on a larger scale to support all of us. Maybe create a liasion with the police force or just some way of educating people to the lifestyle of transgender people.  If you have any ideas it would be good to hear them.


       Thanks for listening.             Gemma   

    • 7 posts
    December 16, 2014 1:04 PM GMT

    I went out for a night out with a gg friend in Glasgow - was a great night - I dont think I am convinving but this night was amazing.  sitting in the club and a group of 2 girls and a guy keep looking over at me while my friend is up at the bar.  when she came back one of them came over asking if we could take a group pic of them (she was totally staring at me all the time she came over and there were people nearer them to ask) made me feel great.  Also got called a lady several times during the night I so cant wait for my next night out as this me and not my male self