Joke of the day

    • Moderator
    • 2627 posts
    April 12, 2010 11:16 PM BST

    A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..

    The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,

    athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign

    around her neck.

    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

    The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,

    he finally gives up..

    The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

    On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

    The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,

    beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but

    Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you

    can have me'.

    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he

    does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens

    with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he

    has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company

    to order the 7-day/50 pound program

    'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'

    'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular

    guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck

    that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

    He lost 63 pounds that week.

  • April 26, 2010 12:47 AM BST
    Overheard a short conversation bewteen two Ho's in the local pub

    1st Ho to a new girl on the block ''Your new around here arn't you?'' ''yes'' says the 2nd Ho.
    1st Ho, ''you been hauled in by the fuzz yet?''
    ''No, but got dragged into the car park by my tits last night'' says 2nd Ho.
    • Moderator
    • 2627 posts
    April 27, 2010 6:50 PM BST
    'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

    The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

    'Yes, Father, it is.'

    'And who was the girl you were with?'

    'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

    "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

    'I cannot say.'

    'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

    'I'll never tell.'

    'Was it Nina Capelli?'

    'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

    'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

    'My lips are sealed.'

    'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

    'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

    The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
    You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

    'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

  • April 29, 2010 4:07 PM BST
    Somthing you don't want to read in a Valentines Card.

    Roses are red, violets are blue

    I have clamydia and now so do you.
  • April 29, 2010 6:07 PM BST
    This ought to get me flamed

    A woman speeding down the road is pulled over by a lady officer. The officer asks for the woman's driver's licence. After watching the woman fumble around for a few minutes, the exasperated officer says, 'look, its square and has your picture on it.'
    'Oh, ' says the woman, 'here you go,' and she hands the officer her pocket mirror. The officer looks at the mirror and quickly hands it back, saying, 'I'm sorry, miss. I didn't realise you were a police officer!'
    • 871 posts
    April 29, 2010 6:42 PM BST
    oh very funny har har! wait till i get my hands on you! hmm... on second thoughts you might like that too much! lol

    anyway, here is one back at you mattxxx

    how many men does it take to wallpaper the front room?

    well, it all depends on how thinly you slice them you see.

    • 871 posts
    May 3, 2010 8:44 PM BST
    How do you know when you have passed an elephant?

    You cant put the toilet seat down!
    • 1017 posts
    May 8, 2010 7:16 PM BST
    Have you heard Sarah Palin's campaign slogan for 2012?

    "Spill, baby, spill."

  • May 24, 2010 4:19 PM BST

    This is definately a JOKE, I am not a church goer

    Well anyway, Cass and I decided to join the local church, The Minister welcomed us, but had certain reservations about what he heard about our gender change. I pointed out to him that was discrimination, Wrong, as the minister was quick to point out,
    legally ministers could not be done for discrimination, the churches were exempt. BUT he would make an exception as we looked like souls that needed saving, so offered us a period of reconciliation with God and six months probation with weekly religous instruction and councelling.

    So every, sunday morning after early morning mass, we would sit down with the minister and learn about redemption and soul saving, before each session he would ask, Have you been true to the faith, in abstinence and ignoring the lure of satan each time we admitted we had been tempted but overcome the whisperings of evil the teachings of Sodom and gamorah. With a look of self satisfaction and a bit of a leer and somwhat sweaty palms he blessed us and told us to think of the lord and future salvation.

    Till last week, when we had to admit to a moments lapse of faith, a moment of lust. When I had bent down to pick up a bottle of shampoo that had fallen of the shelf, my skirt rode up, Cass not being of sound mind, took me in a lustful frenzy, my knickers round my ankles.

    The ministers eyes briefly showed a glimmer of excitment, but then he lost his cool, screaming, you perverts, you wanton sluts,
    your an abomination of everything thats decent, get out, your no longer welcome here.

    Which is roughly what the manager in the supermarket said when I told him I had only bent down to pick up the shampoo.


  • May 26, 2010 3:11 PM BST
    God Made Adam, then he made Eve after procrastinating and much contemplation, he said to himself I can do a lot better than this..........AND

    • 1195 posts
    July 6, 2010 6:59 PM BST
    I do hope you all will enjoy this...

    A college professor is cautioning her class about not missing their up-coming final examination.
    "I wont tollerate any excuses for missing this test. The only excuse I'll accept will be nuclear war, the death of your family or you have contracted a rare debilitating desease."
    From the rear of the hall comes a male voice "How about if I have a night of exhausing, fantastic sex the night before?"
    After the class settles down. The professors says..."Well in that case you will just have to use your other hand to fill out the answers."

  • August 26, 2010 10:01 PM BST
    On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was
    involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting
    outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
    While waiting, they began to wonder: could they possibly get
    married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they
    could get married in heaven.
    St. Peter said, 'I don't know.
    This is the first time anyone has asked.
    Let me go find out and he left."
    The couple sat and waited for an answer...
    for a couple of months.
    While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.
    If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married,
    what with the eternal aspect of it all? 'What if it doesn't work?
    Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
    Another month passed.
    St. Peter finally returned looking somewhat bedraggled.
    'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
    'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering;
    what if things don't work out?
    Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
    St. Peter, red-faced with anger,
    slammed his clipboard on the ground.
    'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
    'OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!' St. Peter shouted.
    'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
    Do you have ANY idea how long
    it wiIl take to find a lawyer!?!
  • August 26, 2010 10:03 PM BST
    A bloke's chatting to his mate in the pub.

    'I found a woman down on the railway tracks the other night. She'd gone there to commit suicide so I took her back to my house and we had kinky sex all night in loads of different positions'

    'Wow' says his mate, 'did she go down on you too?'

    'Nah, I couldn't find her head

    Oh dear, sorry that was a bad one!!!!


    • 1195 posts
    August 31, 2010 4:26 AM BST
    Becca - gruesome but funny.

    Hey I need some new material - I've recycled all the jokes I can remember...I'm running on empty, so to speak.
    I use jokes in my classes - they're used to this good material.
  • August 31, 2010 10:09 AM BST
    I can remember when an old Uncle of my aunt died, she had to wind up his business and put everything in order, she wrote an obituary for the Jewish chronicle, after enquiring as to the cost. Being told it was 5 pounds for the first five words and then 5 pounds a word after that.

    Obituary read, ''Abni died, Volvo for sale''

  • September 1, 2010 10:36 PM BST
    I have just watched a programme about the erosion of the UK south coast, apparently they calculate that in 500 years the UK mainland will be half the size. ......................................................... One consolation is that we will then be 300 miles from France.
  • October 10, 2010 4:52 PM BST
    A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
    The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
    The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?"
    The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
    "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffff**ccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

    Three preists were taking a shower together in the church. They ran out of soap. Thinking the church was empty, one walked naked down the hall to the supply closet.
    Half way back, the naked priest saw three nuns walking towards him. He immediately froze and pretended to be a statue.
    The first nun took one look and said "what a realistic looking statue!".
    The second nun reached and felt the priests dick, and he dropped a bar of soap. "Wow a dispenser!" she exclaimed.
    The third nun reached over, pulled on his dick and said "Hand Cream too!"

    A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
    Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her.
    Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.
    The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
    Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right, that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."

    There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt.
    After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
    "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
    "That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon.
    The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned and said, "Get my brown pants."
    • 434 posts
    October 10, 2010 5:15 PM BST

    "The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root it doesn't need its brain anymore, so it eats it. It's rather like getting tenure."
    • 530 posts
    October 10, 2010 6:03 PM BST
    Important message for all friends 50 and over.

    New Government Programs

    Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
    economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put
    workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus
    creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

    This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Gov't to be considered
    for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

    Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
    SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

    A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
    the Government deems appropriate.

    Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for
    Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
    Early Severance).

    Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
    SCREWED any further by the Gov't.

    Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SH*T
    (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Governmentt has always
    prided itself on the amount of SH*T they give our citizens.

    Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH*T, please bring this
    to the attention of your local MP, who has been trained to give you
    all the SH*T you can handle.


    The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

    PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity,
    gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the
    End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
    • 530 posts
    October 10, 2010 6:09 PM BST
    GOLFING NUN.......
    A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

    'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

    'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

    'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
    'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
    'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

    'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

    And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

    'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
    'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

    'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother..
    'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

    'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
    'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
    You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?'
    • 530 posts
    October 10, 2010 6:16 PM BST

    A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdlebwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her little arms, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice

    "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
    • 530 posts
    October 10, 2010 6:20 PM BST
    Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:

    Guitar, for sale........ Cheap....... strings attached.

    Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
    Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ...
    One Lung At A Time!

    On a bulletin board:
    Success Is Relative.

    The more The Success,
    The more The Relatives.

    When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
    I Gave Up Reading

    My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
    He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

    You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
    Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
    Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off

    Sign In A Bar:
    'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget,
    Please Pay In Advance.'

    Sign In Driving School:
    If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive,
    Don't Stand In Her Way....

    Behind Every Great Man,
    There Is A Surprised Woman.

    The Reason Men Lie Is Because
    Women Ask too Many Questions..

    Getting Caught
    Is The Mother Of Invention.

    Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
    Snore And You sleep Alone

    The Surest Sign

    That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
    Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

    Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit :
    We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..
    • 1912 posts
    October 16, 2010 7:05 PM BST
    Medical Marvel

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

    "There's a diagnostic computer down at the drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

    It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore.

    He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ your local drugstore.."

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

    Joe hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

    Thank you for shopping @ your local drugstore!


  • October 21, 2010 5:47 PM BST
    Just had to knock at a farmers door and tell him 10 of his chickens had stopped laying, His response, Somewhat beligerently, What are you some sorta bloody chicken expert. So ran down the path, jumped into my car, pulled up round the corner and wiped all the feathers of the bumper.
    • 252 posts
    February 17, 2011 2:12 PM GMT

    A monkey happened to run across an elephant in the jungle one day. The elephant was in obvious pain and big elephant tears were running down her gray cheeks.

    "What's wrong?" The monkey asked.

    "I've got a sliver in my foot and I ccan't get it out!! It hurts so badly!!"

    The monkey smiled, "Well, I'll help you out. But I'll want a favor in return."

    "Anything!!" The elephant screamed.

    The monkey reached down and yanked the sliver out in one fluid motion.

    "Now, get ready. I'm going to fuck you!!"

    The elephant rolled her eyes, "Oh God. Whatever. Hurry up."

    So, the monkey starts doing his business but the elephant was used to elephant dick and the monkey was basically throwing a toothpick down a hallway, so to speak. Just then, a coconut fell from a nearby tree and hit the elephant in the head.

    "OUCH!!" The elephant cried.

    "That's right." The monkey crowed, "Take it all, bitch."

  • February 18, 2011 12:40 AM GMT

    The war in the jungle was feirce,  bullets were flying everywhere, suddenly a soldier screamed in pain, a bullet had torn his willy off, the medical team rushed forward, loaded him on a streatcher and rushed him to a waiting helicopter as they were loading him aboard, an elephant came roaring out the jungle, disturbed by all the noise and shooting, the soldiers were frightened that the elephant would crash into the helicopter so they shot it dow, one of the medics had a flash of inspiration, he ran to the elephant and sliced of the end of the elephants trunk.

    as soon as the helicopter was airbore the medical surgeon, took the bit of trunk and grafted it into the wounded soldiers groin to replace the missing willy.

    Looked impressive and worked well, except whenever he went into a bakers shop, his willy would jump out of his trousers, grab a bun off the counter and ram it up his bum.

  • January 2, 2011 3:53 PM GMT
    Little old lady, answers a loud knocking at her front door. She opens the door to a find a smarmy looking geezer with some sort of hoover standing there. He goes into a sales pitch before she could even say anything, this hoover is the most advance, machine of its type anywhere in the world. It will clean up anything. Lifelong guarantee, the usually old load of crap, She says I cannot afford it, only got me pension, He goes into how she can have it on a months free trial no obligations and can take out a death payment plan she pays a few quid a month and the policy pays for the hoover when she dies. Finally she sucumbs to is rhetoric, he says look I'll give you a free demo and if this hoover does'nt clean up the mess, I will get down on my hands and knees and suck it up myself., He then proceeds to throw a bucket of pig poo down her hallway plugs the hoover in to the nearest wall socket and switches on the hoover.........nothing........kicks the hoover,,,,,,,,,,,nothing,, he looks at her and say whats the matter with this socket, .........she says nothing wrong with the socket,,,,,,I have had me electric cut off get on your knees you sllimeball.
  • February 17, 2011 10:22 AM GMT
    Took my car in for its first service and mentioned to the mechanic that the transvestite engine was making a clunking noise,

    he said ''You mean transverse engine luv, not transvestite''

    I said ''whatever, it has a mind of its own, all I know it keeps changing into the wrong gear''.
    • 746 posts
    February 18, 2011 4:23 PM GMT
    U R not well....LOL
    Traci xoxoxo
  • February 28, 2011 4:24 PM GMT
    Overheard, two prostitutes talking in a pub, One older, well worn lady, says to a much younger girl your new around here? young girl says yes, hope I'm not nicking your trade. old crone says no luv, could do with a rest, have you been pulled by the fuzz yet, no says the younger girl, had a painful experience last night tho, got pulled down the alley next door by my tits.
  • April 13, 2011 10:19 PM BST

    Money mouth


    Lawyer, has a small leak in his bathroom, phones plumber,  plumber attends, fixes problem.


    Lawyer recieves bill a week later.   300 quid.


    Lawyer hits the roof, 300 for bloody 10 minutes actuall work, no way,   Lawer phones plumber, '' how do you justify 300 quid for 10 minitues work.


    Plumber, 50 quid for taking call and making notes.

    50 quid for giving imediate advice to save you further expense and damage.

    150 quid for attendance giving advice on what i had to do and sorting your problem.

    Paperwork and office sundries  50 quid.


    there will be an extra charge for an explanation to the explanation of fees that have been incurred and this phone call.


    Lawyer, Jesus christ, I should have been a plumber.

    Plumber, Ha Ha, I used to be a lawyer.

    This post was edited by Cristine Jennifer Shye. BL at April 13, 2011 10:21 PM BST
  • April 20, 2011 10:55 PM BST

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them... grabs some sliced limes and eats them... then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" says the guy. "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, he eats everything in sight. Quite an appetite. I'll pay for the cue ball and other things he ate." He the finishes his drink, pays the bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's back at the same bar again, monkey by his side as usual. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

    While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did?" "What this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures it first!"

  • October 26, 2011 10:54 PM BST

    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.
    With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
    The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''  Tongue out

  • November 2, 2011 10:17 PM GMT

    Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay's F%*#ing cooking show on the telly.
    Bruce says; "What are you watching that **** for? You can't cook to save your life!."
    To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?"

  • November 2, 2011 11:09 PM GMT
      Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.  One complained to the 
    other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month,
    I'm going to lose my ******* ass."
    Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
    Immediately, he apologised for his bad language.
    "That's okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this month,
    I'm going to lose my ******* car."
  • May 15, 2012 2:42 PM BST

    Paddy, Jock and Cockney, drinking in a Paris pub.

    Jock remarks, this pub is crap, the pub we use at home in Glasgow, first drink is allways on the house.    Tjhen the rest of the evening its two for the price of one.

    Cockney says yes, our local in the East end is much friendlier, happy hour all night,   Womens drinks half price.

    Paddy says our local pub in Dublin, its free drinks all night and then free

    sex in the pub car park afterwards.

    Cockney says Wow thats fantastic, bet you go home off your face every night and big smile on your face.

    Nah, says Paddy,     I like to drink with me mates in another pub. 

    me mother, wife and sister are allways in that one,

    • 95 posts
    September 23, 2012 4:54 PM BST

    A couple on vacation chatted-up a pensive looking local, "Georgio." "Were you born here, Georgio?", they asked, "what do you do?"  Georgio sighed."Yes i was", Georgio continued, "you see-a that brick wall? I build-a that with my own-a hands. But do you think they call-a me Georgio the brick mason? No," shaking his head. Georgio continues, "you see that-a-boat tied up there? I build-a that by myself, using my-a own-a hands and skill. But do they call-a me Georgio the boat-a-builder? No, No..". 'And that-a cottage there, I build-a that as well, but do they call-a me Georgio the carpenter? Oh, no! No they don't.....But you shag-a one sheep....."    

    • 95 posts
    September 23, 2012 11:49 PM BST

    ; )

  • September 27, 2012 9:38 PM BST


    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to
    recent events in Syria and have therefore raised
    their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
    Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet
    again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The
    English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
    blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
    Terrorists have been re-categorized from
    "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time
    the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
    level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish

    The Scots have raised their threat level from
    "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They
    don't have any other levels. This is the reason
    they have been used on the front line of the
    British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it
    has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to
    "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
    "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
    precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed
    France's white flag factory, effectively
    paralyzing the country's military capability.

    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout
    Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military
    Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
    Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

    The Germans have increased their alert state from
    "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and
    Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
    levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as
    usual; the only threat they are worried about is
    NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new
    submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully
    designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
    Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old
    Spanish navy.

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security
    level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright,
    Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!
    I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this
    weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no
    situation has ever warranted use of the last final
    escalation level.


    John Cleese,

    British writer, actor and tall person

    And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the
    Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in
    disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
    • 1652 posts
    September 27, 2012 11:05 PM BST
    Loved that, Sally! Thanks for sharing it.
  • June 9, 2013 5:37 PM BST

    Mustapha Ismi Aziff Gypty Gazumpa Yaka Ishmail Fan Fan Choudry...... whilst attending a convention this morning was met with a hail of bullets from a machine gun, his name badge saved his life.

  • March 15, 2014 10:33 PM GMT

    A guy walks into a bar with a small lizard on his shoulder...


    The bartender walks up and says " He's cute! what is his name?"


    The man says " I call him tiny because he"s my newt"...


    thank you, thank very much...

    This post was edited by Marissa Mallo, News Hound at March 15, 2014 10:34 PM GMT
  • March 15, 2014 10:43 PM GMT

    Why do blondes have "TGIF" stenciled in all their shoes?


    So they remember that Toes Go In First!



    The innkeeper asks that you not throw your cigarettes in the urinals as it makes them soggy and hard to light...

  • March 25, 2014 2:32 AM GMT
    Please don't get the idea I hate cats...

    I just like these jokes!

    Seen on a t shirt in a restaurant...

    I love cats..
    I just can't eat a whole by myself.

    Seen on a bumper sticker...

    Lost your cat?
    Have you looked under my tire?

    Told you I was sick!
    • 155 posts
    August 21, 2014 8:31 AM BST
    I went to the doctors today. The doctor said "hello Linda, I haven't seen you for a while" I said "I know, I haven't been well!"
    • 155 posts
    August 21, 2014 8:33 AM BST
    I've just sold the Hoover........well, it was just gathering dust!
    • 155 posts
    August 21, 2014 8:45 AM BST
    I was in Blackpool the other day looking for somewhere to stay for the night. I walked up the steps of a guest those and pressed the doorbell. The landlady opened the door and I said "I'd like to stay here please," she said "well, stay there then" and slammed the door in my face!
    • 155 posts
    August 21, 2014 9:01 AM BST
    A girl walks into a fish and chip shop. The man behind the counter says "can I help you miss?" The girl says "have you got Top Gun and Lethal Weapon?" The man says "Sorry Miss, this is a fish and chip shop, the video store's next door" the girl says "oh, sorry" and leaves. Next night she's back again and this time she says "have you got Pretty Woman and Breakfast At Tiffanys?" The man said "Look miss, I told you yesterday, this is a fish and chip shop, the video store is next door!" With that the girl says "oh, sorry" and leaves. Sure enough, the next nite the girl comes in again. She says "Can I have a portion of chips please?" The man says "THAT'S better, you remembered!" And then the girl says "Oh.....and have you got A Fish Called Wanda!"
    • 155 posts
    August 21, 2014 9:16 AM BST
    I went to the doctors for a cardio check up the other day, the doctor said to me "Well miss, you've got acute angina" well....did I blush! I said "Doctor, that's sooo sweet of you, but you're meant to be checking my heart!"
    • 155 posts
    August 21, 2014 10:09 AM BST
    A black man and a white man were urinating next to each other over the side of a bridge after a night out. The white man says to the black man "Christ, that water's cold!" And the black man replies "sure is brother, but it ain't very deep!"