Joke of the day

  • Sad news.

     

    The man who invented predictive text has died. As he was dying he sent a text to all of his friends and family of his wishes for his funeral. It read.

     

    I went to be creamcaked on a Monkey and me ashes to be spreadsheet on me favouring spit on the beachball justin near that rockstar I sat on and farted when I was a litter boy.

      February 20, 2016 6:07 PM GMT
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  • I think the forum topic in the link below is a joke. Looks more like a converstation to me not a topic. Just to make it a bit more interesting I was going to add to it saying.

    Sorry to interrupt your conversation but can you make me look beautiful?.

    http://gendersociety.com/forums/topic/8437/transgender-dressing-services

      February 17, 2016 1:22 PM GMT
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  • A Chick With Long Legs


    A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

    The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
    The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

    The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

    "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

    "That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

    The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

    Not to borrow the strength of another, nor to rely on one's own strength; to cut off past and future thoughts, and not to live within the everyday mind... then the Great Way is right before your eyes. - Yamamoto Tsunetomo
      February 17, 2016 12:00 AM GMT
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  • Pirate's Misfortunes


    A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?"

    The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"

    "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"

    The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

    The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

    Not to borrow the strength of another, nor to rely on one's own strength; to cut off past and future thoughts, and not to live within the everyday mind... then the Great Way is right before your eyes. - Yamamoto Tsunetomo
      January 14, 2016 9:24 PM GMT
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  • Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries


    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

    She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

    "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

    The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
    you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

    The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
    you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

    "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
    "I remember that too", she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

    Not to borrow the strength of another, nor to rely on one's own strength; to cut off past and future thoughts, and not to live within the everyday mind... then the Great Way is right before your eyes. - Yamamoto Tsunetomo
      January 8, 2016 12:34 AM GMT
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  • Is Windows a Virus
    No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

    1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

    2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

    3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

    4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

    5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

    Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

    So Windows is not a virus.

    It's a bug.

    Not to borrow the strength of another, nor to rely on one's own strength; to cut off past and future thoughts, and not to live within the everyday mind... then the Great Way is right before your eyes. - Yamamoto Tsunetomo
      December 30, 2015 10:31 PM GMT
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  • A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

    The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

    Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

    As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

    Not to borrow the strength of another, nor to rely on one's own strength; to cut off past and future thoughts, and not to live within the everyday mind... then the Great Way is right before your eyes. - Yamamoto Tsunetomo
      November 11, 2015 8:29 PM GMT
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  • Farts With Lumps


    The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

    Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

    The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

    To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".

     

     

    Not to borrow the strength of another, nor to rely on one's own strength; to cut off past and future thoughts, and not to live within the everyday mind... then the Great Way is right before your eyes. - Yamamoto Tsunetomo
      November 9, 2015 10:53 PM GMT
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  • All Out of Anaesthetic
    A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

    He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

    It all happened in an instant.

    The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

    Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

    The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"

    Not to borrow the strength of another, nor to rely on one's own strength; to cut off past and future thoughts, and not to live within the everyday mind... then the Great Way is right before your eyes. - Yamamoto Tsunetomo
      October 28, 2015 11:41 PM GMT
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  • Check your Dirty IQ!

    Answers:

    1. a dentist
    2. a wedding ring
    3. peanut butter
    4.chewing gum
    5. an elevator
    6. a nose
    7. a newspaper boy
    8. a glove
    9. a crane
    10. a toothbrush, of course!

     

    Not to borrow the strength of another, nor to rely on one's own strength; to cut off past and future thoughts, and not to live within the everyday mind... then the Great Way is right before your eyes. - Yamamoto Tsunetomo
      October 27, 2015 11:45 PM GMT
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  • Check your Dirty IQ!
    Questions:

    1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

    2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

    3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

    4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

    5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

    6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

    7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

    8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

    9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

    10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

    Not to borrow the strength of another, nor to rely on one's own strength; to cut off past and future thoughts, and not to live within the everyday mind... then the Great Way is right before your eyes. - Yamamoto Tsunetomo
      October 27, 2015 11:43 PM GMT
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  • Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

    “Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?”

    “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

    “What sort of trouble?”

    “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

    “Went away?”

    “They disappeared.”

    “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

    “Nothing.”

    “Nothing?”

    “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

    “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

    “How do I tell?”

    “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

    “What’s a sea-prompt?”

    “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

    “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

    “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

    “What’s a monitor?”

    “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

    “Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

    “I don’t know.”

    “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

    “Yes, I think so.”

    “Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

    “Yes, it is.”

    “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

    “No.”

    “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

    “Okay, here it is.”

    “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

    “I can’t reach.”

    “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

    “No.”

    “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

    “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”

    “Dark?”

    “Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

    “Well, turn on the office light then.”

    “I can’t.”

    “No? Why not?”

    “Because there’s a power outage.”

    “A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

    “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

    “Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

    “Really? Is it that bad?”

    “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

    “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

    “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

    Not to borrow the strength of another, nor to rely on one's own strength; to cut off past and future thoughts, and not to live within the everyday mind... then the Great Way is right before your eyes. - Yamamoto Tsunetomo
      October 22, 2015 11:37 PM BST
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  • After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

    Not to borrow the strength of another, nor to rely on one's own strength; to cut off past and future thoughts, and not to live within the everyday mind... then the Great Way is right before your eyes. - Yamamoto Tsunetomo
      September 1, 2015 11:06 PM BST
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  • 155
    A man was in police custody last night after shoplifting batteries from a local store and when caught, swallowing the evidence.
    Police say they're thinking of charging him!
      September 13, 2014 9:18 AM BST
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  • The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been lost in the desert for several weeks.

    They finally discover a small town in the middle of nowhere and strumble into the local drinking establishment to wet their whistles.

    Some time later, one of the local townspeople comes in and asks "who owns this white horse out here?"

    The Lone Ranger says" I do, why?"

    The townsperson says" Your horse is about to drop over from the heat".

    The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says "I want you to go to the horse trough and get a bucket of water. I want you to pour it on my horse and then run around the horse to create a breeze to cool him down"

    Tonto replied "Ugh, Kemosabe"

    Sometime later another townsperson came in and asked "who owns this white horse out here?"

    the Lone Ranger said "I do, now what?"

    the townsperson said "did you know you left your injun running?"

      September 10, 2014 4:54 PM BST
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  • The 3 great lies guys (and some girls)  tell us...

     

    1. My wife doesn't understand me.

    2. The check is in the mail.

    3. I won't c*m in your mouth.

    This post was edited by Marissa Mallo, News Hound at September 9, 2014 8:25 PM BST
      September 9, 2014 6:50 PM BST
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  • A set of booster cables walks into a bar.

     

    the bartender walks up and says " ok , I'll serve you guys but don't start anything".

      September 9, 2014 6:46 PM BST
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  • A grilled chese sandwich walks into a bar.

     

    the bartender walks up and says "sorry pal, we don't serve food here".

      September 9, 2014 6:44 PM BST
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  • Sorry , Madeleine...

     

    do you know why Canadians like doggie sytle?

     

    so they can both watch the hockey game.

      September 9, 2014 6:41 PM BST
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  • 155
    A man asked his wife "can we do it wheelbarrow style again tonight?"
    "Sure" she said "but can we not go past my mothers house this time!"
      September 9, 2014 2:57 PM BST
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  • Do you know how many Kentuckians it takes to eat an opossum?

     

    3

     

    2 to watch the road...

      September 9, 2014 2:40 PM BST
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  • Do you know how many Califiornians it takes to replace a light bulb?

     

    25

     

    1 to replace the bulb and 24 to share the experience.

      September 9, 2014 2:39 PM BST
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  • a local don juan was courting a lady he was hoping he could get in the sack soon.

    After taking her to dinner and buying her drinks he took her out in his mercedes convertible to look at the stars.

    He remarked aren't those stars beautiful?

    His date said yes, they're gorgeous!

    He then said well if you like that take a look at this! and with that he drags his unit out of his pants.

    She said that's lovely too. She pulled an ice pick from her purse and proceeded to put 10 holes along the top of his willy.

    Screaming, he pushes her out of the car and drives to the local ER (or AandE)

    the doctor upon examing him said this is way out of my league. I'm going to call a specialist in to help you.

    the don juan asked like a plasctic surgeron?

    No the doctor said a picolo player who will teach you how to finger the holes so you don't piss all over yourself.

     

    ba dump dump

      September 9, 2014 2:37 PM BST
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  • there once was a group of monks who decided they wanted to open a flower shop in a local hamlet.

    they located a property and began to renovate it for the grand opening.

    the local gift shop owner, a gentleman named hugh became very upset when he learned that the monks were going to be his competition.

    fearing he was going to lose his livelihood he went to the monk's storefront and threatened them with bodily harm should they open their shop.

    The monks being pacifists chose to leave the hamlet and never return.

     

    and the moral of this story?

     

    wait for it...

    Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

      September 9, 2014 2:24 PM BST
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  • A pirate walks into a bar...

    the bartender walks up and says excuse me , sir but there seems to be a steering wheel sticking out of your fly.

    the pirate replied ARRR it's driving me nuts.

      September 9, 2014 2:08 PM BST
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