Joke of the day

  • May 29, 2009 9:57 AM BST

    A man goes into a pub, for a quiet pint and a ploughmans lunch, The only pub for miles, The barman, a surly fellow of antagonistic disposition asked, spose you want serving, The gentleman stated he would like a pint of beer and a ploughmans lunch, the barman said you people are a bloody nuciance, coming in here. anyway he grabbed the nearest glass, which was unwashed poured a pint into it, then proceededed to erect a ploughmans lunch wiping his nose on the back of his hand as he did so, the gentleman expressing his disgust, saying I'm not paying for that, Arguments started over payment, Just then the owner of the pub arrived, horrified he attempted to placate the traveller, fetching a clean glass and putting together a nice fresh and hygenic lunch. The Landlord and the traveller started up a conversation, The Landlord apologising saying he had already sacked the barman for his attitude but was forced by employment law to give him a weeks notice and let him work it.

    The Gentleman responded I know, running a business can be soul destroying, when it comes to employing staff, I own a confectionary factory down on the coast, I don't spose you know anyone that wants to purchase 10,000 sticks of rock with kiss my arse printed down the middle.

    This post was edited by Cristine Jennifer Shye. BL at September 9, 2016 1:07 AM BST
  • May 29, 2009 10:15 AM BST
    Hate your neighbour?

    Imagine this scenario.

    3am, a Sunday morning, shove all your junk mail collected over a period of a couple of months, through their letterbox. Pile up the months newspapers and magazines on the doorstep, add 20 pints of milk. Then go home make a couple of phone calls.

    Then sit back and watch as the Police, Ambulance crew, Fire Brigade and Social Services roll up and proceed to kick their front door in.
    • 871 posts
    May 29, 2009 10:32 AM BST
    very funny crissie - made me laugh!
  • May 29, 2009 11:07 AM BST
    Took my car in for its first service and mentioned to the mechanic that the transvestite engine was making a clunking noise, he said ''You mean transverse engine luv, not transvestite'' I said ''whatever, it has a mind of its own, all I know it keeps changing into the wrong gear''.
    • 746 posts
    May 29, 2009 4:18 PM BST
    Oh to be a bird in a nest in your neighborhood!!! I'll have to remember to save my junk

    • 1195 posts
    May 30, 2009 11:03 PM BST
    Hey Crissie - great jokes made me laugh.
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    May 31, 2009 11:25 AM BST
    One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

    The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

  • June 1, 2009 10:34 AM BST
    Now THAT was funny Karen. It realy appealed to my sense of humour

    Newly wed couple, in the honeymoon suite, Bride started saying I'm realy looking forward to tomorow, we can go and see, and have lunch at and, and, and,

    Groom takes of his trousers, hands them to the bride, and orders her to put them on, she does so to humour him, having the idea this might lead to some realy kinky fun, as she pulls up the zip, the husband says, ''Right thats the first and last time you get to wear the trousers in this relationship, understand'' She replies ''Yes' takes off the trousers, hands her new husband her knickers and says ''Put them on'' Groom thinking this is going to lead to some kinky sex, does so, humouring her,
    Then she says ''Right thats the last time you get into my knickers until you realise who is gonna be boss in this relationship''

    ''Knickers might not be the best thing in the world, but they are the closest your going to get until you get rid of that macho attitude''

  • June 1, 2009 11:48 AM BST
    How come your not that funny at home? or does being absolutely adorable somehow excuse you.

    Luve ya

  • June 1, 2009 12:32 PM BST
    A Tranny's Prayer.

    Dear God, please give me the fortituded and serenity to bear the tribulations of the day, accepting the things I cannot change.
    God please give me the courage and resolution to work to change those things I have the power to change.
    Give me the tenacity, wiles and resolve to dispose of the bodies of the people I killed today for pissing me off.

    Always reminding me lord, that it takes 42 muscles to frown, another 15 to argue but only 5 to extend an arm and slap the bombastic biggots in the mouth for winding me up.

    Always help me to be mindful that the toes I tread on today might be attached to the arse I'm forced to kiss tomorow.

    Thanks for the chat. god.
    • 13 posts
    June 1, 2009 6:56 PM BST
    A man was stopped on the M25 motorway by the police and was told by the officer that he was stopped because he was driving too slowly.
    "I was only doing 25 just like the sign told me to!" said the driver
    "No sir" said the officer. " The 25 on the sign is the name of the motorway you are on, not the speed limit"
    "Ohhh right. I never realised that" said the driver.
    The policeman looked in the back seat and there was a woman sat there and she was white as a sheet, hair standing on end and gripping the seat in front of her as hard as possible and with a look of terror on her face.
    "What's up with her?" asked the policeman
    "I'm not sure" said the driver. "She has been like that since we were on the A274"
  • June 2, 2009 9:30 AM BST
    A little old lady was forced to pull over onto the safety hard shoulder of the motorway by a policeman on a motor bike.
    Policeman asked her if she knew what speed she was doing, Old lady got very aggitated and said ''Whats it to do with you, you pratt' Police was being very civil and asked for her insurence documents, Little old lady, ''I don't have any, what you gonna do about that you moron?'' Policeman then asked for her driving licence, she replied I don't have one and if you continue to harras me I'm gonna kick you in the nuts'' The policeman retreated to his bike, and called in for back up.

    Two more police arrived almost imediately in a car, The orginal policeman standing back while they proceeded to question her,
    they asked her if she had her driving licence, smiling sweetly she said of course officer and handed it to him, policeman then asked for her insurance papers, again smiling sweetly she said ''Of course officer and handed him a valid document, then the policeman said my colleague told me that you had no, papers or driving licence and were threatening him and being abusive.

    Appearing shocked and visibaly upset the little old lady said ''What nonsense, obviously he lied, and I bet he told you I was speeding as well''
    • 1195 posts
    June 2, 2009 3:49 PM BST
    Crissie - I think I know that little old lady.

    This farm family in the hills of Apalacia allow an iterant preacher to stay with them while he is preaching in the area.
    One morning the wife comes running into the barn to talk with her husband. She's out of breath and is very upset.
    She says (excitedly) "The preacher wants fried chicken for supper and we don't have any chicken."
    The husband says "Well, screw the preacher."
    The wife replied "I did, but he still wants fried chicken."

    • 746 posts
    June 2, 2009 6:20 PM BST
    Sounds like my neck of the woods! Family trees with no branches...brothers Darryl and kissing cousins! Heee haw....cover the stills, the rev'noors are a coming!

  • June 2, 2009 7:08 PM BST
    Must be from the same family as these two, husband and wife, went to a sex therapist, the womans complaining her husband never in all 20 years of marriage made her orgasm. The therapist said, well if both of you jump on the couch and start making love, I'll watch and see what your doing wrong. Anyway after about two hours of the husband pounding away, the woman started complaining she was getting all hot and flushed and no orgasm pending, so the therapist said ok I will waft a towel over you to keep you cool, keep trying. Another hour later nothing, husband said I am getting worn out and she is getting all sweaty and boiling. Therapist said ok, lets change places and handed the towel to the husband, Therapist jumps on and starts pounding away, after 5 minutes the woman screams I'm cuming, for god sake I'm coming, ooooooooooooooh yes,

    Husband start jumping up and down shouting thats how to wave a bloody towel you stupid man.
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    June 3, 2009 9:15 AM BST
    Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

    The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

    The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

  • June 3, 2009 2:15 PM BST
    Sounds like some of ther families round here Traci, I always wondered about some of the kids names. then it dawned on me,
    Victoria Beckham named her son Brooklyn cos he was concieved in Brooklyn, so makes sense, when you hear kids names round here from the sink estates, like Bikeshed, busshelter and the twins lol Transit & Van.

    If I was able to concieve, ending up with twins, perhaps a boy and a girl, I would probably name the girl Renault and the boy Clio.
  • June 4, 2009 1:16 PM BST
    Big Cheif No bull, was walking in the mountains, with his youngest son, having quality time together,
    The son asked his father, ''Oh wise and venerable chief, why is my older brother called Brave Bear?''
    The father replied, ''The day your brother was born, I was walking in the woods alone, contemplating life and wondering when the white eyes would give us back our land, when I came across a bear being attached by a pack of wolves, the bear fought bravely, sustaing some horrific wounds but prevailed and overcome the wolves winning the day, it was then that I heard your mothers cry as she gave birth, I took the bears courage to be a sign, hence your brothers name, he will be known all over this land for his courage and fortitude''

    ''Oh father, you are so wise and deep'' said the son, ''Why is my sister called Laughing brook?''
    well said the father ''I was sitting by the stream, the sound of the water passing over the rocks making a happy sound,
    thinking about how the white eyes have stolen our land, when again I heard the birthing cry of your mother, and in that time
    of uncertainty and tribulations, thought how happy the sound of the stream, so called your sister Laughing Brook she will be forever known in this land as the happy one''

    ''Oh father you truly are a wonderful and deep thoughtful man'' said the son.

    The father replied, ''You will also learn wisdom being a great peace maker and a strong warrior fighting the cause of our nation,
    being known all over this land as ..... Two Dogs Shagging the peace maker along with your twin sister ...bitch on Heat''

  • June 4, 2009 9:10 PM BST
    Just read the last post about the Indian chief, and wet myself laughing, lol
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    June 4, 2009 10:50 PM BST
    Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

    The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

    Men keep'a readin

    So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

    • 404 posts
    June 5, 2009 10:57 AM BST
    Way,way back,when I was still young,sweet and innocent(!)........I used to think that hormones were sounds commonly heard in brothels!

  • June 6, 2009 4:13 PM BST
    Two paddies digging a hole in the road, The boss came up to the edge of the hole, and called down to them, Mic, Shamus get up here now, The two paddies climbed out of the hole, Boss orders them to jump up and down for 2 minutes then told them to get back down the hole, No sooner were they back down the hole he ordered them up again, again making them jump up and down, this went of for some hours, until finally Shamus said hey whats with the out the hole jumping about, back in the hole back out the hole jumping and back down the hole. Boss says you brought more mud up on your boots in the last 3 hours than you thrown out that hole in 5 days with shovels..
    • 1195 posts
    June 6, 2009 5:56 PM BST

    Very funny, very funny Crissie
    Unfortunately, I haven't heard any new jokes outside of TW. I guess we're the only people having a fun time.
    Have a nice weekend - Gracie going to the big city this weekend. Hot stuff..
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    • 2627 posts
    June 6, 2009 10:28 PM BST

    She was only a...

    PLUMBER'S daughter but she sure gave my heart a wrench.

    STABLEMAN'S daughter but she handled all the horse manure.

    HACKER'S daughter but all her bits were in their proper arrays.

    BUTCHER'S daughter but she could REALLY pack Salami!

    GYNECOLOGIST'S daughter but she could sure play her vulva!

    STOCKBROKER'S daughter but she could really ride the BULLS!

    TAXI DRIVER'S daughter but she knew how to keep your meter running

    ACCOUNTANT'S daughter but she sure knew how to keep her BOTTOM line profitable.

    FARMER'S daughter but she knew her carrots from her carats!

    FURRIER'S daughter but she knew how to produce minks!

    PROGRAMMER'S daughter but she sure knew her 1's from her 0's!

    SHEEP FARMER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

    PREACHER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

    FISHMONGER'S daughter she had crabs on her place, poor soul.

    ELECTRICIAN'S daughter but she had all the right connections.

    COAL MINER'S daughter but she had a mine of her own.

    MARINE COLONEL'S daughter but she was rotten to the corps.

    ARTIST'S daughter but she knew where to draw the line.

    BUS DRIVER'S daughter but she knew where to get off.

    ARCHITECT'S daughter but she knew all the angles.

    FISHERMAN'S daughter but when she saw my rod she reeled.

    MINISTER'S daughter but I wouldn't put anything pastor.

  • June 7, 2009 12:04 AM BST
    Karen you forgot the Sea Captains daughter, her navel base was always full of discharged semen
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    • 2627 posts
    June 7, 2009 11:11 AM BST


    1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

    6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

    14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

    15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

    16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

    17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

    19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    21. A backward poet writes inverse.

    22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

    23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

    • 871 posts
    June 8, 2009 3:40 PM BST
    An interview with Jimmy Hendrix, lost in archives, has been recently discovered. In the interview Jimmy was asked what is his secret to guitar playing. Jimmy replied, always make sure the guitar is strung with quality dental floss.
  • June 10, 2009 9:17 AM BST
    The British attache in Paris, was sending his very young son to London, on his own, to visit with his grandparents.
    They ensconced him in a seat on the Euro Star at the Garde Lenoir in Paris, Telling him Grandad would meet him at the terminal gate in London. As the train pulled out of the Paris terminal, two burly Frenchmen sat down one either side of him, after a few minutes the little boy kicked of his shoes and settled in for the journey. After a short while one of the frenchmen poked the little boy and in a gruff voice and threatening manner ordered the boy to go to the buffet car and fetch hims some coffee, The little boy intimidated went off to fetch the coffee, whilst he was gone the frenchman delved under the seat and found a rotten bannana skin and shoved it in one of the boys shoes. The boy came back handed over the coffee and the other Frenchman said he wanted coffee, so of the little boy went again, the frenchman also digging out a partialy eaten soggy sandwich and proceeded to stuff it in the other shoe.

    As the Train drew into the London terminus, the boy putting on his shoes, thought, groooo, what have they done to my shoes.
    To frightened to cause a scene, he put on his little rucksack with the Thomas the Tank engine motif on it and headed for the exit door, One Frenchman, espying the Sign ''WELCOME TO WATERLOO'' was prompted to enquire of the boy, how long do you think us French and you English will carry on fighting, The little boy started running down the platform towards his Grandad,shouting over his shoulder ''As long as you keep crapping in our shoes and we pee in your coffee''
  • June 10, 2009 11:41 AM BST
    Post op essex girl, who shoves rolled up socks down her bikini to take up the slack, lol.
    Essex boy that thinks a case of STD's contains cans of beer.
    Essex girls that only wear knickers in winter to keep their ankles warm
    Essex woman that sold her tele to buy a licence.
    Essex secretary that thought a ball point came with spell check.
    Essex girls that take fashion advice from a shopping trolley, cos its the only thing they know with a mind of its own.
    Essex girl could'nt understand why she had no money in the bank, whilst she still had cheques left.

    essex boy that put rolled up socks down his swimming trunks to impress the girls after taking advice, never pulled, in fact girls ran away, 3 days later his mate told him the socks were sposed to go down the front
    • 7 posts
    June 10, 2009 11:02 PM BST
    Just got a text from a friend

    bought myself a new deodorant stick today
    Instructions said 'Take off top and push up bottom'

    still in casualty at the mo, will call you later when get out . . . .
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    • 2627 posts
    June 12, 2009 10:09 AM BST
    Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
    A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

    Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
    A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.

    Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
    A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.

    Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
    A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.

    Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
    A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.

    Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
    A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.

    Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
    A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.

    Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
    A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

    Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
    A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.

    Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
    A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.

  • June 13, 2009 7:37 PM BST
    Young woman sat having her hair done, in her regular place, Hairdresser, says going somewhere nice for your holidays this year, woman replies yes we are going to Rome. you ever been there before says the hairdresser, No says the woman.
    Oh we have says the hairdresser dirty foul, place, terrible food, hotel was the pits, unfrendly people. They have absolutely no sense of style or class. Oh dear says the woman, well we have paid for it now, so will have to make the most of it.

    Six weeks later the woman and hairdresser met in the street, hello says the hairdresser, I have not seen you in our salon, since your holiday, thought perhaps you had died over ther lol of food poisening. No says the woman, Rome was fantastic ,the hotel was excellent the food was out of this world and the people gracious and freindly. Oh said the hairdresser, see you have had your hair restyled, Oh says the woman I had it done whilst I was in Rome, bet she was well impressed says the hairdresser, no actually, says the woamn she said OMG somones been cutting your hair with a knife and fork.
  • June 13, 2009 8:09 PM BST
    Cristine I just want to say I did not smile of your joke but I did have a big smile on my face when I did see your new pictures.

    I can see that it is not the clothing that makes the person, but the person which makes the clothing and your look impeccable what ever you wear. Your a smart, savvy, intelligent, sexxxxxxxxxxxy, vibrant woman and your knock them all for six.

    See you all in the chat!!!

    xxx Natalie
  • June 26, 2009 9:29 AM BST

    It was a holiday, The sun was shining, the day was hot, It was a rare bank holiday indeed. Harry the electrician rolled over in bed, looked at the clock, it was 9am, first day off from work for over 6 months. He gazed at the vacant side of the bed and was mildly suprised, It was empty!,, he pondered for a moment remembering the last day off he had had. A morning of rampant sex with his GF, followed by a sumptuous breakfast, more rampant sex, Lunch in the garden a crate of lager followed by more rampant sex. Truly a memorable occasion which carried on in the same theme for the rest of that day.

    Suddenly the bedroom door was thrown open, his GF stood there in the skimpiest of knickers, holding a breakfast tray, bucks fizz,eggs, bacon, sausage tomatoes, the full English. Pot of coffee toast and marmalade. Wow he thought to himself this is going to be another truly memorable day. His GF placed the tray down over his legs, leaned
    forward and kissed him leading him to believe that this was going to be one hell of a day. She backed off, saying with a sexy smile ''Eat your breakfast, your going to need your strength'' As he tucked in, she enquired as to his intentions for the day, Smirking he replied ''I'm at your disposal for the whole day Oh lovely one, use me as you will''

    ''Oh great, brilliant'' she says, adding ''You can put the new light fittings up in the bathroom, lounge and hallway'' It was like being hit by a truck, Harry lay there stunned at this vicious onslaught. He started recovering, reaching out to pull at her knickers,
    ''No! don't even go there'' she says your not wasting another bank holiday, those lights have been hanging round since the last day you had off''

    Pushing the tray to one side, breakfast now forgotten, Harry says, ''Jesus Christ, its a bank holiday, do you really think I am going to spend the first day off I have had in six months, doing something I am forced to do every day, to pay for your sexy underwear and not reap the benefiets''

    She says, ''AND'' Harry says, ''sod this, I'm off to the snooker hall, I'll have lunch with my mates down the pub''

    It was a balmy night as Harry staggered up to the front door, spending some considerable time trying to align his key with the lock that kept moving in the gentle evening breeze. Finally falling through the front door, fumbling for the light switch, suddenly,
    the hallway was flooded with a new brightness that he had not seen before, gazing up, he noted the new light fittings. resplendent in their new enviroment. Suddenly the need to relieve himself of the beer he had poured down his neck during the last 10 hours, he headed for the bathroom, pulled the cord and was amazed at such brilliance he had not encountered there before. Contemplating his willy and trying to pee in the right place, he pondered this miracle. Yes you guessed the new light fittings had magically installed themselves.

    Finally in a better frame of mind, he had lurid thoughts now of a night of drunken debauchery, innocently thinking that everything was now allright with the world. On opening the bedroom door, the first thing he saw was his lovely GF lay stark naked on the bed, dozing, a sweet happy smile on her face, as he gazed around he noticed the skimpy knickers and other feminine items of apparel strewn round the bedroom, then he noticed his GF was actually tied to the bed. WOW he thought to himself, this is great.

    He gently kissed her lips, she moaned, he nuzzled her breast with his lips, he gently caressed her belly button with his tongue, then kissed her knees, at this moment she awoke, ''Saying if it had of been a pub you bastard you would'nt have gone past it'' recoiling in shock, Harry in a fuddled confused moment, to diffuse the situation asked ''I see you put up the new lights'' she replied ''ME! put up the lights, what are you some bloody idiot, The woman next door, her bother came to fix her lights, so I asked him to pop round and do ours'' ''What says Harry, how much did that king cost?' She through clenched teeth and with a look that could melt concrete she said ''nothing, I gave him the choice, Rampant perverted, sex or a roast dinner''

    Harry said ''ooh good I am a bit hungry, what did you cook, any left over''?


    Any names used, situations, acts are wholly ficticous and do not represent anybody I know and any similarities to real events are coincidental, lol
    Pleeeeese lol vote this the best funny story you ever heard.

    This post was edited by Cristine Jennifer Shye. BL at March 11, 2022 1:15 PM GMT
    • 1195 posts
    June 26, 2009 5:47 PM BST
    I'll give you a 10 on a scale of 1-to-10.
    There's something about long involved jokes that I just love to read or hear.
    hugs xxx
  • June 26, 2009 6:30 PM BST
    It was a few days later, Harry's GF had calmed down and was demonstrating contrition, she had the candles lit, table laid, nice bottle of his favourite red breathing, A prawn and salmon mouse, that she had spent ages making, a couple of nice steaks spitting in the skillet on the burner and a home made apple pie in the oven. They sat down to eat, she was wearing a seductive short crochete dress, which showed of her every curve and tiny white thong, Harry was in his element, it was almost more than he could do to contain himself and finish the meal, No sooner than the last morsel of the apple pie had been consumed, he bundled her up in his arms and carried her upstairs to the bedroom, He was determned that he was going to please her allnight, first kissing her passionately their tongues entwined he gently carressed her breasts, kissing his way down her body,
    this went on for about two hours, she was pleading for him to enter her, he teased her love mound with the tip of his manhood Was just to about to do what she wanted when the bloody phone rang, He hestitated, she screamed ''Leave it, ignore it''
    The phone had an unusal urgency about the way it was ringing, the moment marred, coitius interuptus, Harry picked up the phone. ''Harry sorry to wake you up, it's doctor Smith here, the Light you put up for me in the bathroom has a problem, its not working'' Harry looks at the clock its, and Says into the phone ''Your yanking my chain, taking the piss its 3 in the morning, your expecting me to come out and fix a bloody light at this time of the morning'' the doctor replies, ''Talking of taking the piss, we are having to pee in the dark here, look, if you were ill and phoned me, I would be obliged to come out and see you iregardless of the time'' Harry conceeds the point, ''Ok be at yours in about 20 minutes'' ''thankyou says the doctor''
    Harry gets dressed, jumps in his van, orange light flashing to denote an emergency, he drives to the doctors house. Opens up the fuse cupboard pulls down the lid on the fuse box and shoves two asprin inside, turning to the doctor 'saying ''If its no better by morning ring me at the office''
  • June 27, 2009 10:47 PM BST
    Harry has a polish guy working with him, who was a carpenter, Harry went back to see how the guy was getting on, so he could finish his own job, only to be told, that the Polish guy had taken himself off to hospital, because he had sliced all his fingers off with a mechanical saw, thingy, harry rushed down the hospital to see if his freind was allright. Harry rushed into casuality and enquired of the staff about his freinds condition, the doctor, said if only he had of brought all his fingers in we could have sewn them back on, Harry said, ''Duh how the hell was he sposed to be able to have picked them up''?
  • July 1, 2009 9:14 AM BST
    Old man, weeding his garden, hears sobbing and the sound of digging coming from the other side of the fence, Somewhat disiconcerted he peers over the fence, seeing the little 7 year old girl next door struggling with a big shovel, standing in rather a large hole. He says ''Whats up love, you seem awfully upset, what are you doing''? little girl in haltering voice replies ''I'm, sob, burying, sob, my sob goldfish'' Old man, ''thats rather a large hole your digging for a goldfish'' Little girl ''The gold fish is in your cat, sob it ate sob, my gold fish'' The old man visibly upset now, says ''You killed my cat, cos it ate your gold fish?'' ''No,sob'' says the little girl, my doggy sob, choked to death sob whilst swallowing sob your cat, and thats why the hole is that big sob''
  • July 1, 2009 9:52 AM BST
    Place, school classroom, A discussion in place on pupils parent occupations, All the pupils bar one, little Johhny were jumping in their seats, hands in the air, and the classroom reverberated with please miss, me miss. Some calm was eventually established and the teacher working her way around the classroom asking each individual, the question what does your father do. One replied, ''my dads a brain surgeon'' another ''my dads an electricion'' another ''my dads a plumber'' and so it went on around the class. Until she came to little johnny, who was sitting very quiet and somwhat subdued, she asks ''What does your daddy do Johnny'' . at first, johnny deep in thought did'nt answer, after reapeting the questing in a rather demanding voice johnny replies. ''My dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and afterwards takes punters up into the woods for sex'' ''Oh!' says the teacher, ''Right thats enough for now its lunch time, after lunch we will be going onto maths''

    During lunch, Johnnys little mate, pulls him to one side saying ''Hey, why did you lie about your dad being a gay stripper?''

    Johnny replies, ''Did you realy think, I was going to admit, in front of the whole class that he plays cricket for England''
  • July 3, 2009 12:22 AM BST
    I found this tribute to the late (and brilliant) Douglas Adams on a joke site a while ago:

    Answering Machine Message:

    The Cerius Cybernetic Corporation was happy to correct the problem of all that icky person-to-person conversation that happens when people actually pick up the phone and talk to each other. So they added the "answering machine," which will cleverly record your message and play it back at the wrong speed, to make everyone who calls you sound like they have partaken a large supply of helium. Unless your message is REALLY important, in which case, the machine simply breaks its own tape, to insure that you never get the message at all. It would be a shame to waste all this brilliant technology, so please attempt to leave a message.
    • Moderator
    • 2627 posts
    July 3, 2009 11:01 AM BST
    Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

    A minister decided that a visual demonstration
    would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

    The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

    The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

    The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

    The first worm in alcohol - Dead

    The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

    Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

    Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

    So the Minister asked the congregation -

    What did you learn from this demonstration???

    Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

    'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
    you won't have worms!'

    That pretty much ended the service.

  • July 25, 2009 5:03 PM BST
    Think of somthing you have heard and later thought wish I had of replied so.

    George Bush and Tony blair, Unilaterally condemming abortion.
    Er they would qualify as the best ever advert for abortion.

    Give us yer email address so I can send you piccies of my willy.
    [email protected]

    You just ran into the back of my car.
    You switched on the red lights at the back and they distracted and confused me.

    Hav'nt we met somwhere before?
    If we had, you, would defianately have remembered me.

    Police Officer, ''I must warn you, anything you say will be recorded and may be used against you in a court of law''
    Please officer, don't hit me again, I will say anything you want.

    Christ girl you have put on weight since last time I saw you.
    Yes but losing it, by not eating will save me money, whereas to cure your body odour, alitosis and lack of style is gonna cost you a fortune.

    Your wearing a dress? do you realy think your a girl?
    Er if I did'nt i would be wearing trousers with holes in the pockets, playing with my balls and feeling a dick all day.

    How do you like your eggs in the morning.
    With my girlfreind on a plate in my house preferably unfertilised.

    So your a lesbian!
    Yes knew a man once in the biblical sense, such a huge dissapointment over somthing so small.

    I have got 12 inches!
    What are you gonna do, make love to me 3 times, I realy don't have the time.

    I have condoms with a desensatising gel inside, I can go on for hours.
    Well turn them inside out and you won't even wake me up.

    Jehovas witnesses on the doorstep, ''Do you believe in the lord Jehovah and the written testament''?
    Yes, its Sunday, you should be at home resting like the rest of us , (slams door)

    Can't you keep the bloody noise down? your disturbing my wife, she is expectaing a baby. its 3 am.
    Yes I know we heard you making it a few months ago, it woke us up about 2.30 am.

  • August 2, 2009 3:21 PM BST
    Whilst the current thread is religion thought i would add this.

    I once got religion, dragged Cass to our local church, We underwent an interview on suitability for accetance. Pastor asked us a lot of intimate and personal questions, could see he was getting quite excited by our responses, but suddenly he got serious, told us we would have to change, desist from unatural practices and be celibate if we wanted to join his congregation.

    Reluctantly, desperate for eternal salvation I made the requisite promises, Every sunday we would troll down to the church, sing and pray and be joyful. After some 4-5 weeks, the pastor took us to one side, and asked us if we were practicing celibacy and abstinence, I had to admit we were practicing but had not perfected it, going on to relate how one time I bent down to pick up a tin of paint, my mini skirt rode up over my bum, revealing my thong clad rear, Cass being unable to hold herself in check any longer, grabbed me and entered me, we had rampant sex there and then.

    The Pastor exclaimed with some venom and disgust, that we were sinners beyond redemption, after a very poignant pause, he said ''Get out of here, your not welcome here anymore''............................................................................................................

    Funny that, thats exactly what the manager said in the Do It yourself store, where we had gone to buy the paint.

    How does a Bishop fake orgasm? He spits on the Choir boys back.


  • August 2, 2009 6:10 PM BST
    Marsha,Oh! lolol, I'm literally wetting myself laughing, that is probably the most profound and funniest thing I have ever read.

    • 746 posts
    August 2, 2009 6:11 PM BST
    Y'all are very funny...on a roll for sure! But crissie, I'm having a difficult time trying to determine wether or not your joke is actually something that did happen!

    Marsha, your joke reminds me of the famous "3 stages of marriage sex" joke...

    Stage 1 - Kitchen sex....when the couple is sooo passionate that they can't wait to make love anywhere,, countertop, floor, etc...all been there, done it...

    Stage 2 - Bedroom sex...all settled into the routine...maybe have kids...privacy becomes an all lovemaking goes on behind closed doors...

    Stage 3 - Hallway sex...years and years have taken it's toll on the relationship...bodies fall apart, sex drive wanes, occasional dislike of Hallway sex is when
    you've reached THAT place and the only sex you get is when you PASS each other in the hall and it's a "Fu*k You followed with a response
    of Fu*k You! Actually can be quite satisfying!! LOL

  • August 2, 2009 6:16 PM BST
    Be right back, lol going to ammend my last joke by adding ''IT IS A JOKE'' thats why its on joke of the day.


    Marriage for some starts out with an engagement ring.

    followed by a wedding ring.

    Followed by an eternity ring.

    Imediately followed by everlasting suffering
    • 746 posts
    August 2, 2009 10:24 PM BST
    Thanks crissie....I've enrolled in the upcoming semester at the University of Blondness so hopefully I can get my act together...until then, put up with me! (please) LOL

    Traci xxxxxx
    • 1083 posts
    August 3, 2009 10:13 PM BST
    I'm no comedienne. But I'll try anyway...

    So a priest, a minister and a rabbi all walk into a bar, and the barkeep says...

    "What is this? A joke?"


    Okay, I can't claim these as original, but thought they were funny anyway...

    Advantages Of Being A Woman (Or why it's better to be a Woman)

    1. We got off the Titanic first.

    2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

    3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous.

    4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

    5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

    6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

    7. Taxis stop for us.

    8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

    9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

    10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

    11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

    12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

    13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

    14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

    15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

    16. If we forget deodorant, there's always perfume.

    17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

    18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

    19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

    20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

    21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

    22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

    23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

    24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

    25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

    26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

    27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

    28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

    29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

    30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

    Luv 'n hugs,

  • August 3, 2009 11:07 PM BST
    Minako, hugs, generally women that marry younger men, toy boys are usually regarded as lucky by other women and the guy is regarded as fortuante that he has married somone with life experience, wheras guys that marry younger women, are usually regarded as desperate, in crisis or cradle snatchers or mugs for marrying gold diggers by both sexes, so its a win win situation for women.
    • Moderator
    • 2627 posts
    August 4, 2009 12:46 PM BST
    Secrets to making a marriage last...

    Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

    We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

    I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
    "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

    We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

    She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.

    My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

    My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

    She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

    She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"