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  • 11 Nov 2017
    Hello It's been a long, long time since I contributed something here. I'm not talking years but I'm talking months and for a site that requires contributions from the community that's too long. So with apologies to Lucy, Crissie, Katie for the lack of 'giving'..I hope you are all OK - I mean that's the most important thing, right? The day-to-day getting by and feeling fine. I've seen this year's John Lewis Christmas ad, and lets be honest, it's not so good is it? But it won't stop Father Christmas now will it? I have received a barrage of pre-Christmas email from retailers who are desperate to convince me that sparkling is essential, whether eyebrows, tops, skirts of frankly my pussy if it would just be there. Three days into January it will all be about abstinence, purity and cleanliness - I mean, come on, that's not a great deal of value from flickering shimmeriness is it!? I haven't dressed-up for a while and I feel the pressure building. Not in my crotch but in the brain. For readers in the closet, do you also have tell-tale signs when the Dysphoria is beginning to peak, advance warnings and yearnings to dash into Zara at lunchtime. My brain still reacts with the the belief that if I succumb to masculine desire lines all will be OK. So I have a new bike (it's actually very nice and could be easily described as unisex) but I evidently didn't purchase a women's geometry from the women's department. It's black, technical and taut. It's lovely thing and I'm reading the paraphernalia that it encourages, magazines and web-based retailer for all things athletic, but whilst I do I yearn for layers of loose Cashmere, a facial and a new pair of boots. I spotted a woman on the tube on Wednesday with a hair-cut I would dye for. A cropped page-boy, short but quickly translating from weight and length to a light and feathery neckline. More length above the ears teased forward into a pre-emptive eccentric pair of bangs, pointed around the ears with a swept forehead, and bottle-blonde.. I have an appointment at my local salon tomorrow - of if I could only dare to ask for that cut, an absolutely certain way of directing my colleagues attention towards me at forthcoming Christmas parties, especially if I but some of that sparkly, stuff I mentioned earlier. It's quite on Gender Society and I'm unable to access on my iPhone. I hope that the site approaches the New Year with confidence and that all who visit here appreciate what it can provide, which is an avenue for whitening lost souls to share and gently provoke. Catch up soon, keep sparkling and don't be let down by the Monsters under the bed. Rachel x
    38 Posted by Rachel de Blanc
  • Hello It's been a long, long time since I contributed something here. I'm not talking years but I'm talking months and for a site that requires contributions from the community that's too long. So with apologies to Lucy, Crissie, Katie for the lack of 'giving'..I hope you are all OK - I mean that's the most important thing, right? The day-to-day getting by and feeling fine. I've seen this year's John Lewis Christmas ad, and lets be honest, it's not so good is it? But it won't stop Father Christmas now will it? I have received a barrage of pre-Christmas email from retailers who are desperate to convince me that sparkling is essential, whether eyebrows, tops, skirts of frankly my pussy if it would just be there. Three days into January it will all be about abstinence, purity and cleanliness - I mean, come on, that's not a great deal of value from flickering shimmeriness is it!? I haven't dressed-up for a while and I feel the pressure building. Not in my crotch but in the brain. For readers in the closet, do you also have tell-tale signs when the Dysphoria is beginning to peak, advance warnings and yearnings to dash into Zara at lunchtime. My brain still reacts with the the belief that if I succumb to masculine desire lines all will be OK. So I have a new bike (it's actually very nice and could be easily described as unisex) but I evidently didn't purchase a women's geometry from the women's department. It's black, technical and taut. It's lovely thing and I'm reading the paraphernalia that it encourages, magazines and web-based retailer for all things athletic, but whilst I do I yearn for layers of loose Cashmere, a facial and a new pair of boots. I spotted a woman on the tube on Wednesday with a hair-cut I would dye for. A cropped page-boy, short but quickly translating from weight and length to a light and feathery neckline. More length above the ears teased forward into a pre-emptive eccentric pair of bangs, pointed around the ears with a swept forehead, and bottle-blonde.. I have an appointment at my local salon tomorrow - of if I could only dare to ask for that cut, an absolutely certain way of directing my colleagues attention towards me at forthcoming Christmas parties, especially if I but some of that sparkly, stuff I mentioned earlier. It's quite on Gender Society and I'm unable to access on my iPhone. I hope that the site approaches the New Year with confidence and that all who visit here appreciate what it can provide, which is an avenue for whitening lost souls to share and gently provoke. Catch up soon, keep sparkling and don't be let down by the Monsters under the bed. Rachel x
    Nov 11, 2017 38
  • 10 Nov 2017
    Hello Ladies - Here are updates on my super world, the path of Briana! : ) As noted in the prior blog I have come out to a series of doctors ( 2 endocrinologists, my therapist, and even the whole of the medical system I am part of through my insurance ). When I go online to look up my file, notes, et al - I am who I am - Briana!! Everyone has been quite friendly, supportive, and see me as me. I reflect on much earlier times long before coming out to myself and those struggles - how when at a given store I would secretly wish someone behind me could say "Miss --" or something in that direction. These were fleeting and few but were nuggets of gold in my past and deeply wishes for ( bear in mind I had a great deal of emotional conflict over such things before addressing myself on these things however ). Nevertheless yesterday I had a follow up meeting with my endocrinologist to go over the newest results of my blood work after now being on hormone therapy ( hooray!! ) for a little over a month. Already the testosterone level is lower than a standard male and the estrogen level has more than doubled! Super news in my book - my breasts thank me daily ( albeit small and developing lol )! She decided to double the estrogen level and all things look good. That news is great in itself, but the day was beyond my wishes though. I went in a red and black plaid skirt, black hose, a nice red top, with cute short heel black shoes. I feel confident, happy, and massively content ( since starting hormones, this sense of peace, tranquility, and balance has been incredible ). As I walked in I was looked at as if I were any other woman walking into the place ( no strange glares or people turning away ). I approached the elevator and there was a grandfather with his toddler grandson just ahead of me. The lad pressed the button and we boarded the lift. In a moment, the grandfather turns to his grandson and notes, 'Show the lady how you can pick our floor, 2" - The lad does so and I note 'Good job'. The doors open on our floor and he places his hand on his grandson's shoulder as I stand there still reflecting on the prior moments and he nods and signals me to go ahead and step out - I say 'thanks'.  In line a person calls out to a lady that it is her turn in saying 'Miss' my head instantly turned. The receptionist, the nurses, the doctor were all cordial, friendly - calling me by name, Briana, and they even updated my file with my new picture ( note I am also in make up as well! ).  Seated in the waiting room a nurse comes out to call the next patient looking for a Mr - she looks past me not even considering me ( thankfully ) while another nearby woman looks about and points out a man over my shoulder further back and asks him if he was the one being called.  Another woman enters the waiting area coming from the adjacent women's lavatory and turns to me and asks if I was wearing a jacket today - I note, no, only my sweater that I have on - she notes that there is one left in the bathroom that's why she was asking me! Along with the discussion of hormones and the upgrade with the doctor I gave her as I have given the list of noted doctor's my first edition copy of my book - talking about my creative drive, interests in writing, the fun experiments in the book using ordinary materials and the like. Each of them allowed me to sign it to them personally and of course, as myself, Briana!  Today was a day I will remember always - compared to the 'Miss' from long ago, this was a day of a pile of gold bars and not just a nugget. I was me, myself and I, Briana - I was that woman in the doctor's office and was perfectly alive, happy, and well in all ranges - physically, mentally, and emotionally.  More to follow in time with further months on hormones and more times out and about as me! All the best in your journeys. Thanks for taking time to read. Take Care Hugs, Briana : ) Cosmic Girl out exploring herself and the Cosmos!  
    27 Posted by Briana Q
  • Hello Ladies - Here are updates on my super world, the path of Briana! : ) As noted in the prior blog I have come out to a series of doctors ( 2 endocrinologists, my therapist, and even the whole of the medical system I am part of through my insurance ). When I go online to look up my file, notes, et al - I am who I am - Briana!! Everyone has been quite friendly, supportive, and see me as me. I reflect on much earlier times long before coming out to myself and those struggles - how when at a given store I would secretly wish someone behind me could say "Miss --" or something in that direction. These were fleeting and few but were nuggets of gold in my past and deeply wishes for ( bear in mind I had a great deal of emotional conflict over such things before addressing myself on these things however ). Nevertheless yesterday I had a follow up meeting with my endocrinologist to go over the newest results of my blood work after now being on hormone therapy ( hooray!! ) for a little over a month. Already the testosterone level is lower than a standard male and the estrogen level has more than doubled! Super news in my book - my breasts thank me daily ( albeit small and developing lol )! She decided to double the estrogen level and all things look good. That news is great in itself, but the day was beyond my wishes though. I went in a red and black plaid skirt, black hose, a nice red top, with cute short heel black shoes. I feel confident, happy, and massively content ( since starting hormones, this sense of peace, tranquility, and balance has been incredible ). As I walked in I was looked at as if I were any other woman walking into the place ( no strange glares or people turning away ). I approached the elevator and there was a grandfather with his toddler grandson just ahead of me. The lad pressed the button and we boarded the lift. In a moment, the grandfather turns to his grandson and notes, 'Show the lady how you can pick our floor, 2" - The lad does so and I note 'Good job'. The doors open on our floor and he places his hand on his grandson's shoulder as I stand there still reflecting on the prior moments and he nods and signals me to go ahead and step out - I say 'thanks'.  In line a person calls out to a lady that it is her turn in saying 'Miss' my head instantly turned. The receptionist, the nurses, the doctor were all cordial, friendly - calling me by name, Briana, and they even updated my file with my new picture ( note I am also in make up as well! ).  Seated in the waiting room a nurse comes out to call the next patient looking for a Mr - she looks past me not even considering me ( thankfully ) while another nearby woman looks about and points out a man over my shoulder further back and asks him if he was the one being called.  Another woman enters the waiting area coming from the adjacent women's lavatory and turns to me and asks if I was wearing a jacket today - I note, no, only my sweater that I have on - she notes that there is one left in the bathroom that's why she was asking me! Along with the discussion of hormones and the upgrade with the doctor I gave her as I have given the list of noted doctor's my first edition copy of my book - talking about my creative drive, interests in writing, the fun experiments in the book using ordinary materials and the like. Each of them allowed me to sign it to them personally and of course, as myself, Briana!  Today was a day I will remember always - compared to the 'Miss' from long ago, this was a day of a pile of gold bars and not just a nugget. I was me, myself and I, Briana - I was that woman in the doctor's office and was perfectly alive, happy, and well in all ranges - physically, mentally, and emotionally.  More to follow in time with further months on hormones and more times out and about as me! All the best in your journeys. Thanks for taking time to read. Take Care Hugs, Briana : ) Cosmic Girl out exploring herself and the Cosmos!  
    Nov 10, 2017 27
  • 29 Sep 2017
    Hello Ladies - Important news from the wonderful world of Briana! I first came out to my doctor on July 31 and she was wonderful - passing along paperwork to connect to the right people in the system and even had recommendations for various people to talk to. I filled it out and had a week or so of emails back and forth since I checked off a number of boxes I look forward to in my future ( hormones, surgery, electrolysis, et al ) and was given all sorts of names, links, and the like. My first goal, of course, is the 'girl skittles' as the other Bri here calls them, namely hormones - so I had to meet with the therapist to be evaluated. It was only two meetings and we had lengthy talks - normally I do not say a lot but wow I opened up and told a whole range of tales of my life and feelings about being a girl since age 5! It did me wonders and he is a wonderful soul to talk to. These meetings were in late August and early September. He even thought I was already on hormones due to the way I look ( which I have been doing a few things in the last couple of years, as I told him ) but I loved the compliment. He told me of his own two spirit personality, his years of work, writings, and other really cool information.  Now to find the endocrinologist for the hormones and with luck not only were there several but the one who is strongly connected to my therapist, heavily recommended was available on Sept 28 where I arrived and gave blood and went home and waited for the call from the pharmacy. It took a few hours but those minutes felt like days and my mind went in twenty directions. With the call I raced out the door, held back from screaming and crying the whole way there and back and worked hard to keep my often lead foot off the accelerator - never in my life have I raced for something so bad as this. Got home and began treatment immediately.  As a side note I set up that appointment on Sept 14 - Let me say this - never in my lifetime has two weeks ever taken so long. As time went along I counted down days and even resulted to hours in the last 3 days.  Other notes : All the doctors and the therapist are super people and it opened my mind, heart, and being up immensely. On the electronic system online I am who I am - BRIANA and they call me that everywhere - nurses, doctors, receptionists, et al. In all three meetings I went totally as myself - gorgeous skirt, cute top and shoes, and a well done make up job on my fact I might add - this girl is cute! One elderly woman even made it a point to sit by me as we both waited in the clinic area to have blood drawn and complimented me on my skirt aloud to all around us! En route to all meetings I struck up my CD player which has Enya in it and I would play about 5-7 tunes depending on the length of the journey. I felt excited, elated, a bit anxious, happy, and forward thinking already, but the music amplified my spirit enormously.  Why the amount of time to reach here? More reasons than I can discuss in detail, but there were times of no insurance, insurance that had little to no coverage, an initial doctor under the other insurance who was very rude and not communicative at all, my determination to find a path with no help ( not recommended to anyone ) and of course, my own fears in approaching this new insurance which I have had for a couple of years.  No regrets though. I always seem to be at that point in my life when it is right to do this or that thing.  One of the critical keys is this : I am a person who lives by massive values, rules, standards and the like and always have - don't get me wrong do I color outside the lines at times ( literally basically ) sure enough - but I uphold standards and use these in my personal battles with myself since childhood where I have always known I am a girl since age 5 - but this made no sense logically especially at those times nearly a half century ago. Nevertheless as I explained to the therapist the only time I did things one is not expected or should do ( such as dressing and taking hormones et al ) I did so without hesitation. He first told me I did not do anything wrong and asked, how did this make you feel? Really good, I replied. -- how this relates to being here with the doctors and the like, I need to be on the path to me and need good help otherwise I might keep pushing boundaries ( which I do not recommend and one should be with a doctor and monitored ). Akin to this line of thought is how I discussed me to the therapist. I noted that all of us define ourselves by two central questions : Who Am I? and What do I do here? in our lives. I always knew I am a girl, but there seem to be no way to say, express or be me, but I could override the who am I part with what do I do here by always defining myself by what I do : collect things, bike ride, write, learn and teach science and math. In each case though not noted there were no gendered descriptors in these, though I always knew what they were. This has been the quest since coming out to myself, filling in the whole of the picture with who am I, the girl who loves and does as she does in her life. Overall I feel liberated and looking forward to many new things.  Other good things : Even in the past two months I have been out on several occasions such as my anniversary date of coming out to myself ( Sept 21, 2112 ) when I finally spoke and said 'I'm okay' - a story shared with each of the aforementioned doctors. I went to a massive mall and went window shopping, having some coffee and taking in the scenery as well as going to a grocery store looking good in all places and cases.  On the hormones, as I should always have been ( unlike the time I took both my mom's and years later a friend of mine - but those are other tales to tell another time ) and feeling at peace, happy, content, even more optimistic than usual for me, and many more things to come - I will amend this piece as needed in time and put those reflections in here as well.  Ever the cosmic girl, hugs, Briana : )  
    73 Posted by Briana Q
  • Hello Ladies - Important news from the wonderful world of Briana! I first came out to my doctor on July 31 and she was wonderful - passing along paperwork to connect to the right people in the system and even had recommendations for various people to talk to. I filled it out and had a week or so of emails back and forth since I checked off a number of boxes I look forward to in my future ( hormones, surgery, electrolysis, et al ) and was given all sorts of names, links, and the like. My first goal, of course, is the 'girl skittles' as the other Bri here calls them, namely hormones - so I had to meet with the therapist to be evaluated. It was only two meetings and we had lengthy talks - normally I do not say a lot but wow I opened up and told a whole range of tales of my life and feelings about being a girl since age 5! It did me wonders and he is a wonderful soul to talk to. These meetings were in late August and early September. He even thought I was already on hormones due to the way I look ( which I have been doing a few things in the last couple of years, as I told him ) but I loved the compliment. He told me of his own two spirit personality, his years of work, writings, and other really cool information.  Now to find the endocrinologist for the hormones and with luck not only were there several but the one who is strongly connected to my therapist, heavily recommended was available on Sept 28 where I arrived and gave blood and went home and waited for the call from the pharmacy. It took a few hours but those minutes felt like days and my mind went in twenty directions. With the call I raced out the door, held back from screaming and crying the whole way there and back and worked hard to keep my often lead foot off the accelerator - never in my life have I raced for something so bad as this. Got home and began treatment immediately.  As a side note I set up that appointment on Sept 14 - Let me say this - never in my lifetime has two weeks ever taken so long. As time went along I counted down days and even resulted to hours in the last 3 days.  Other notes : All the doctors and the therapist are super people and it opened my mind, heart, and being up immensely. On the electronic system online I am who I am - BRIANA and they call me that everywhere - nurses, doctors, receptionists, et al. In all three meetings I went totally as myself - gorgeous skirt, cute top and shoes, and a well done make up job on my fact I might add - this girl is cute! One elderly woman even made it a point to sit by me as we both waited in the clinic area to have blood drawn and complimented me on my skirt aloud to all around us! En route to all meetings I struck up my CD player which has Enya in it and I would play about 5-7 tunes depending on the length of the journey. I felt excited, elated, a bit anxious, happy, and forward thinking already, but the music amplified my spirit enormously.  Why the amount of time to reach here? More reasons than I can discuss in detail, but there were times of no insurance, insurance that had little to no coverage, an initial doctor under the other insurance who was very rude and not communicative at all, my determination to find a path with no help ( not recommended to anyone ) and of course, my own fears in approaching this new insurance which I have had for a couple of years.  No regrets though. I always seem to be at that point in my life when it is right to do this or that thing.  One of the critical keys is this : I am a person who lives by massive values, rules, standards and the like and always have - don't get me wrong do I color outside the lines at times ( literally basically ) sure enough - but I uphold standards and use these in my personal battles with myself since childhood where I have always known I am a girl since age 5 - but this made no sense logically especially at those times nearly a half century ago. Nevertheless as I explained to the therapist the only time I did things one is not expected or should do ( such as dressing and taking hormones et al ) I did so without hesitation. He first told me I did not do anything wrong and asked, how did this make you feel? Really good, I replied. -- how this relates to being here with the doctors and the like, I need to be on the path to me and need good help otherwise I might keep pushing boundaries ( which I do not recommend and one should be with a doctor and monitored ). Akin to this line of thought is how I discussed me to the therapist. I noted that all of us define ourselves by two central questions : Who Am I? and What do I do here? in our lives. I always knew I am a girl, but there seem to be no way to say, express or be me, but I could override the who am I part with what do I do here by always defining myself by what I do : collect things, bike ride, write, learn and teach science and math. In each case though not noted there were no gendered descriptors in these, though I always knew what they were. This has been the quest since coming out to myself, filling in the whole of the picture with who am I, the girl who loves and does as she does in her life. Overall I feel liberated and looking forward to many new things.  Other good things : Even in the past two months I have been out on several occasions such as my anniversary date of coming out to myself ( Sept 21, 2112 ) when I finally spoke and said 'I'm okay' - a story shared with each of the aforementioned doctors. I went to a massive mall and went window shopping, having some coffee and taking in the scenery as well as going to a grocery store looking good in all places and cases.  On the hormones, as I should always have been ( unlike the time I took both my mom's and years later a friend of mine - but those are other tales to tell another time ) and feeling at peace, happy, content, even more optimistic than usual for me, and many more things to come - I will amend this piece as needed in time and put those reflections in here as well.  Ever the cosmic girl, hugs, Briana : )  
    Sep 29, 2017 73
  • 17 Sep 2017
    UK news-print (Daily Fail etc.) and the BBC are currently full of far less than well-intentioned advice from self-appointed and deluded 'nuts' (frequently American and less so, Australian) who promote 'horse-medicine cures' for Gender Dysphoria whilst in 'the childhood phase'. Christian couples are busy withdrawing their children from schools which allow boys to wear dresses; but, strangely, not those who allow girls to wear trousers, shirts and ties. They should withdraw their daughters immediately from Brownies and Girl-guides  Associations now that trans-boys are authorised to join. The buzz word over here this last week has been 'tolerate', whatever that implies and or conjures up. The sudden appearance of this uninvited, disparate and unauthorised placatory movement disturbs me somewhat. It has overtones of the Salvation Army, who despise us, praying for our eternal damnation and not our redemption - God bless them (in my forgiving prayers). We have nothing whatsoever to tolerate in our gender identity; and, are merely normal and usually honest, hard working and hopefully healthy citizens who simply wish to just get on with our lives as best we can, and; without 'lip-service' misplaced and mis-directed 'tolerance', which in my mind's eye smacks of equally misguided false kindness. When I was a small boy and believed in Father Christmas (I still do in a way), on each birthday I was asked to make a wish; and, it was always "Please God, when I wake up tomorrow make me a girl". I dreamed endlessly of wearing dresses to equate with my gender identity. Now that I hug myself occasionally, as I clutch my female passport and female driving licence, I am inevitably wearing trousers or leggings and trainers, just like the rest of the female population: dresses are merely for rather special occasions. Funny old world!  With that, rant over, I "rest my case Milord".
  • UK news-print (Daily Fail etc.) and the BBC are currently full of far less than well-intentioned advice from self-appointed and deluded 'nuts' (frequently American and less so, Australian) who promote 'horse-medicine cures' for Gender Dysphoria whilst in 'the childhood phase'. Christian couples are busy withdrawing their children from schools which allow boys to wear dresses; but, strangely, not those who allow girls to wear trousers, shirts and ties. They should withdraw their daughters immediately from Brownies and Girl-guides  Associations now that trans-boys are authorised to join. The buzz word over here this last week has been 'tolerate', whatever that implies and or conjures up. The sudden appearance of this uninvited, disparate and unauthorised placatory movement disturbs me somewhat. It has overtones of the Salvation Army, who despise us, praying for our eternal damnation and not our redemption - God bless them (in my forgiving prayers). We have nothing whatsoever to tolerate in our gender identity; and, are merely normal and usually honest, hard working and hopefully healthy citizens who simply wish to just get on with our lives as best we can, and; without 'lip-service' misplaced and mis-directed 'tolerance', which in my mind's eye smacks of equally misguided false kindness. When I was a small boy and believed in Father Christmas (I still do in a way), on each birthday I was asked to make a wish; and, it was always "Please God, when I wake up tomorrow make me a girl". I dreamed endlessly of wearing dresses to equate with my gender identity. Now that I hug myself occasionally, as I clutch my female passport and female driving licence, I am inevitably wearing trousers or leggings and trainers, just like the rest of the female population: dresses are merely for rather special occasions. Funny old world!  With that, rant over, I "rest my case Milord".
    Sep 17, 2017 103
  • 17 Aug 2017
    NB: Short Blog I have a favourite sound. The lightweight, hollow click clack of polished brittle plastic, disorderly and increasingly dusty and fingerprint-marked. Held in soft fabrics, the contents often are chaotic and lack space, so when fingers scuttle through the clatter resonates and sound spalls out. The timpani of temptation has a shimmery aroma and when the zip or clasp is opened this bursts out and tingles the nostrils. The tempting sound encourages delving and invites you in. The sound of a make-up bag of course, undeniably feminine and provocative. Demanding, emphatic, delicate, temporary. One of my favourite sounds. What might yours be? Rachel 
    82 Posted by Rachel de Blanc
  • NB: Short Blog I have a favourite sound. The lightweight, hollow click clack of polished brittle plastic, disorderly and increasingly dusty and fingerprint-marked. Held in soft fabrics, the contents often are chaotic and lack space, so when fingers scuttle through the clatter resonates and sound spalls out. The timpani of temptation has a shimmery aroma and when the zip or clasp is opened this bursts out and tingles the nostrils. The tempting sound encourages delving and invites you in. The sound of a make-up bag of course, undeniably feminine and provocative. Demanding, emphatic, delicate, temporary. One of my favourite sounds. What might yours be? Rachel 
    Aug 17, 2017 82
  • 15 Aug 2017
    Hi I owe gratitude to Morrissey the author of the song 'Oscillate Wildly' - it's only polite to acknowledge those from whom you steal. I would say that I am now a constant woman. This perhaps hasn't always been the case and is worthy of a separate conversation, but that is what I am. The need to physically engage with my gender to prove and exhibit it isn't and cannot be constant though, and so I oscillate wildly. When I can secure those moments I focus upon their arrival and use the time available intensively, almost to the exclusion of everything else. When the moment passes I mournfully pack things away and skulk back into ordinary life and depression's shadow follows me occasionally. I think my orbit is becoming more pronounced, the swings more exaggerated. This is also true in my apparent gender. I find myself pursuing somewhat random masculine traits. Not binge drinking and a game of darts for goodness sake, but the pursuit of physical activity, one off purchases, lad's stuff. But the interest in the masculine bias diminishes very rapidly, these are not purchases that are profound and necessary, they are typically superficial and vapid. When I oscillate and orbit back into my own woman's world I find sanctity, objectiveness calmness and ease. The need here is becoming more exaggerated too. Gently plucked eyebrows, cautious body shaving, longer hair all knowingly coutoured - this is becoming tricker, endures longer. Counselling has commenced with the possibility of Hormones on the horizon, this circle is getting larger and the pull is getting stronger. I oscillate wildly but the person on the ride is a woman and whilst she may not speak for part of the orbit, she ain't going to go quietly. Rachel x      
    80 Posted by Rachel de Blanc
  • Hi I owe gratitude to Morrissey the author of the song 'Oscillate Wildly' - it's only polite to acknowledge those from whom you steal. I would say that I am now a constant woman. This perhaps hasn't always been the case and is worthy of a separate conversation, but that is what I am. The need to physically engage with my gender to prove and exhibit it isn't and cannot be constant though, and so I oscillate wildly. When I can secure those moments I focus upon their arrival and use the time available intensively, almost to the exclusion of everything else. When the moment passes I mournfully pack things away and skulk back into ordinary life and depression's shadow follows me occasionally. I think my orbit is becoming more pronounced, the swings more exaggerated. This is also true in my apparent gender. I find myself pursuing somewhat random masculine traits. Not binge drinking and a game of darts for goodness sake, but the pursuit of physical activity, one off purchases, lad's stuff. But the interest in the masculine bias diminishes very rapidly, these are not purchases that are profound and necessary, they are typically superficial and vapid. When I oscillate and orbit back into my own woman's world I find sanctity, objectiveness calmness and ease. The need here is becoming more exaggerated too. Gently plucked eyebrows, cautious body shaving, longer hair all knowingly coutoured - this is becoming tricker, endures longer. Counselling has commenced with the possibility of Hormones on the horizon, this circle is getting larger and the pull is getting stronger. I oscillate wildly but the person on the ride is a woman and whilst she may not speak for part of the orbit, she ain't going to go quietly. Rachel x      
    Aug 15, 2017 80

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  • 12 Aug 2013
    Hello again? I had a reather uneventful day.  Most of which was spent on line, sigh   But I did see a unique u tube posting which gave me pause for thought.   It seems that I didn't have a morning routine. So I'd roll out of bed go to that bathroom take care of business, taking my gurly pills and such clean my dentures after they had been sitting in cold water overnight.  and such, we musent get to detailed here right. lol   I then sat down in front of my lap top at home and looked for what happened to the world while I was sleeping.  After a few hours of this I decided that it was about time i went outside and got some fresh air.  I live in a sealed building no opening the windows, grrr.   I put on the bra and manties, then looked around for what else to wear.  Oh my everything is fairly well soiled, That is what I get for going so long without doin the laundry. Funny I used to enjoy it so too.     Anywho,  I found that when ever I start the day I'm sorta in gender neutral from having started the day so many years now this way.   I thought that I should take a few minutes and meditate or at least say a montry affirming that I am a gurl/woman now.  This might help with my guilty feelings in wearing woman's attire outside.   For the past few months I have started carrying a decidely feminine purse, having switched from a gender neutral messenger bag.  I've also begun wearing daily earrings.  That is about as far as I could allow myself to go. sigh  Not long ago I did have occasion to go out and conduct some business wearing a blouse and earrings carrying a purse.  I was surprised pleasantly by the way no one managed to noticiblly notice me.  I got a few second glances but that was about it.   I am quite sure that I'm not able to "pass" as soon as i open my mouth i spill the beans cuz i haven't found a way to adjust my voice yet.   I have an appointment with my mental health practical nurse who oversee's my meds except for the gurl pills.  I have been out to her for quite sometime but she has never seen me en fem.  I have an appointment with her on Tuesday and have today decided that I will go en fem on that day.  I will be traveling on public transport but it will not be commuters hours.  I wonder what her reaction will be like?  giggle   So between tonight and Tuesday noon I will be trying to do all I can to re affirm my feminine personna.  giggle   Well that is about all I can think of to say so. . here's hoping.  I will try to write on tuesday about the little adventure.  Rhonda
    103512 Posted by Rhonda Armstrong
  • Hello again? I had a reather uneventful day.  Most of which was spent on line, sigh   But I did see a unique u tube posting which gave me pause for thought.   It seems that I didn't have a morning routine. So I'd roll out of bed go to that bathroom take care of business, taking my gurly pills and such clean my dentures after they had been sitting in cold water overnight.  and such, we musent get to detailed here right. lol   I then sat down in front of my lap top at home and looked for what happened to the world while I was sleeping.  After a few hours of this I decided that it was about time i went outside and got some fresh air.  I live in a sealed building no opening the windows, grrr.   I put on the bra and manties, then looked around for what else to wear.  Oh my everything is fairly well soiled, That is what I get for going so long without doin the laundry. Funny I used to enjoy it so too.     Anywho,  I found that when ever I start the day I'm sorta in gender neutral from having started the day so many years now this way.   I thought that I should take a few minutes and meditate or at least say a montry affirming that I am a gurl/woman now.  This might help with my guilty feelings in wearing woman's attire outside.   For the past few months I have started carrying a decidely feminine purse, having switched from a gender neutral messenger bag.  I've also begun wearing daily earrings.  That is about as far as I could allow myself to go. sigh  Not long ago I did have occasion to go out and conduct some business wearing a blouse and earrings carrying a purse.  I was surprised pleasantly by the way no one managed to noticiblly notice me.  I got a few second glances but that was about it.   I am quite sure that I'm not able to "pass" as soon as i open my mouth i spill the beans cuz i haven't found a way to adjust my voice yet.   I have an appointment with my mental health practical nurse who oversee's my meds except for the gurl pills.  I have been out to her for quite sometime but she has never seen me en fem.  I have an appointment with her on Tuesday and have today decided that I will go en fem on that day.  I will be traveling on public transport but it will not be commuters hours.  I wonder what her reaction will be like?  giggle   So between tonight and Tuesday noon I will be trying to do all I can to re affirm my feminine personna.  giggle   Well that is about all I can think of to say so. . here's hoping.  I will try to write on tuesday about the little adventure.  Rhonda
    Aug 12, 2013 103512
  • 20 May 2012
    St Audries Bay TV week , May 2012 This event takes place twice a year in May and September, just a few miles north of Watchet in Somerset, as it was almost a 400 mile drive I had decided that I would not be able to go in September as well, To break the journey I stayed at Ironbridge over the week end and visited a few places in that area which I had wanted to see for years. On the Monday morning 7 May I continued on to St Audries bay, I had been looking forward to this week for months, on arrival I booked into the single chalet with half board I had opted for, nothing fancy but OK – a bit on the small side for the amount of luggage I took!!  But fine as long as I kept it tidy, Showered and changed into skirt and top, I went off to explore the facilities which are very good, and to meet some of the other girls (and a few Boys). a few of the girls had their wives with them, the first thing that struck me was some of the way out outfits on show, some outrageous, but none were indecent.      Dinner was served at 18.00 hrs. and the food was to a high standard, this was the time when we really started to get to know each other, so many new faces and names I think we all had a job trying to remember names, after dinner  there was a short bingo session (not my cup of tea) before the disco started at 21.00 hrs. again not my thing but there were plenty of other comfortable places to go and just chat over a drink, this is when I first met Marlene a lovely RG lady who gave me a lot of encouragement and advice over the week, she asked me if I was interested in the coach trip organised for the Wednesday – I had already decided not to go but when I found that it was just a mini bus and she told me the details I changed my mind and booked.      The Tuesday was spent quietly getting to know one another, and making lots of new friends, one very experienced girl I was chatting to about trying to be convincing and blending in told me that I was doing well and actually looked like a girl, which again boosted my confidence and looking at some of the girls and their dress sense I could see that I was quite a bit more convincing than some.  There was also a table top sale where I bought a couple of bracelets, and the “newbies get together” complete with wine. After dinner they held the first round of “play your cards right” followed by cabaret and disco.       The coach trip left at 11.30 on Wednesday  and firstly headed for sea life aquarium at  Weston super mare, when  we arrived on the sea front there was quite a cold wind coming in from the sea so there were not that many people about which I was quite pleased about as this was just my second time out among “joe public” there were a few people in the aquarium  but It almost felt as if we were un noticed with no problems at all which boosted my confidence, We then went back to Watchet where the Esplanade club opened especially for us and put on a lovely buffet meal—far more than we could eat and very high standard, being on the harbour side we were able to go out and mingle with the public and view the boats in the marina , but with a safe “bolt hole” in the club in case of trouble, but we enjoyed our time there without incident, a further boost to my confidence.         On Thursday there was among other things a pool competition which I entered out of a fit of daftness, having never played pool before (I had played a little snooker about 50 years ago) needless to say I was knocked out in the first round – best of 3 games – 1st game I was whitewashed- second game I did manage to pocket 2 balls--- progress of sorts. By this time it was near lunch time and as I had some food in the car and a flask of coffee I took off for Watchet on my own and went to the harbour where we had been the day before, , parked the car as close to the ticket machine as possible, took a deep breath and went and bought a ticket, I then moved as close to the harbour as possible, parked up and had a light lunch while watching passers-by, and especially observing  what women were wearing, as there was a cool breeze in from the sea most were wearing coats. I had a light weight coat in the car so put this on in order to “blend in” as far as possible, took a deep breath and set off with my bag over my shoulder, I walked right across the harbour front and into the town without incident and with growing confidence, as I needed some ciggies I looked for a shop which was not too busy and a little way on came to the post office/ gift shop, I stood outside for a few moments, fished my purse out of my bag and went boldly in, the lady behind the counter never batted an eyelid when I asked- very quietly in my best (HA HA ) girly voice asked for 40 Benson & hedges, paid for them , collected my change and strolled out, on my way back to the car I deliberately waked down the side of the street where there were quite a few people about—no problem , as I walked back across the harbour I could hear a steam train of the west Somerset railway approaching so when I got back to the car (the car park is alongside the railway station) I got the camera out and stood by the car waiting for the train to arrive, just then an oldish man came to his car parked 2 spaces away from me and let his dog out, dog immediately came towards me , its owner tried to call it back saying “come here now don’t go bothering the lady” dog took no notice and came up to me tail wagging,  so I stroked its ear, it then went back to its owner and he said to it “ yes she was being nice to you” I am quite convinced that he was being genuine and had not read me--- needless to say I was more than a little pleased . The train arrived and I got my photos, by which time it was time to head back, basking in the buzz of my first real time out on my own. That evening was the third and final round of play your cards right, in another fit of daftness I bought a ticket and to my amazement my number was called as the second contestant, My first card was a queen so I went lower and turned up a 2 – so I went higher – and turned up another 2 – that put an end to my moment of glory!!  After this was the Miss St Audries Bay competition – which I did not enter! – but was won by Roslyn, one of the girls I had become friends with, she was wearing a lovely lime green evening dress and was a well-deserved winner, another disco rounded the evening off.       Friday saw me itching to go out again, as I had been advised that Minehead was a safe place to go to, off I went wearing my green suite and as there was a cold wind again I put on my heavier camel coat, I was able to park in the main street and set off for a walk, within 40 yards I bumped into Steph, one of the other girls I had met, we had a chat and she told me that she was going to the cider farm which is TV friendly, for a coffee, so I said that once I had my walk I would catch her up at the farm, off I went to the end of the street – about 500 yards, crossed over and started up the other side, about ¾ way back to the car IT happened, I suddenly felt my skirt which has an elasticated waist sliding down over my hips OOOOPs –a few seconds of panic , - I put my hand into my coat pocket and was just in time to grab the waistband of said skirt and pull it back a bit before it hit the ground , I was then able to get slowly back to the car and get in, fortunately I had my emergency sewing kit in the car which contained some safety pins ( a girl’s best friend at a time like this) I sat in the car and discreetly pinned my skirt into position. I was disappointed at not completing my walk so got back out and went a further 50 or 60 yards up the street and back, but was not 100% sure of my pin up job, so decided to skip the cider farm and head for a quiet place where I could make a better job of securing the offending garment . I headed up into the hills on a quiet back road and found the perfect place to effect repairs and have some lunch from my ration box. This done there was plenty of time left so I headed back towards Watchet, on the way I came across a forestry commission car park which was empty – a perfect place to test the security of my skirt—a stroll round the car park a few times put my mind at rest, so on to Watchet, Parked up and made for the harbour again and had another walk but this time there was a party of school kids( dangerous animals so I am told)at the far end of the harbour so I turned back and had a walk along the railway station platform instead, as I was now satisfied that the skirt incident had not un-nerved me I made my way back to St Audries. That evening was largely taken up with “curtain Call” which was a 2 hour show put on by some of the girls, considering that this is done at short notice it was mostly very good.      Saturday saw a few of us heading for the cider farm which I had missed out on the day before, as it was in a very sheltered location the cold wind did not find us and it turned out to be the warmest day of the week, so we enjoyed a coffee and scone in the sunshine, that evening was the Gala dinner followed by prize giving and cabaret . Sunday was a bit sad and quite a few tears were shed as girls departed for home, I had booked to stay on for another 4 days to explore the area more (in Drab) and visit the railway but on the Monday I had a very special trip to make – to Bickleigh Mill near Tiverton to meet the one and only Carol – we had a lovely couple of hours chat and coffee – she really is a super lady – but that is another story.      Did I say I could not go again in September --- I only thought that before I went, so guess what – I’m booked for September and next May – roll on September.     
    13547 Posted by rosie Bush
  • St Audries Bay TV week , May 2012 This event takes place twice a year in May and September, just a few miles north of Watchet in Somerset, as it was almost a 400 mile drive I had decided that I would not be able to go in September as well, To break the journey I stayed at Ironbridge over the week end and visited a few places in that area which I had wanted to see for years. On the Monday morning 7 May I continued on to St Audries bay, I had been looking forward to this week for months, on arrival I booked into the single chalet with half board I had opted for, nothing fancy but OK – a bit on the small side for the amount of luggage I took!!  But fine as long as I kept it tidy, Showered and changed into skirt and top, I went off to explore the facilities which are very good, and to meet some of the other girls (and a few Boys). a few of the girls had their wives with them, the first thing that struck me was some of the way out outfits on show, some outrageous, but none were indecent.      Dinner was served at 18.00 hrs. and the food was to a high standard, this was the time when we really started to get to know each other, so many new faces and names I think we all had a job trying to remember names, after dinner  there was a short bingo session (not my cup of tea) before the disco started at 21.00 hrs. again not my thing but there were plenty of other comfortable places to go and just chat over a drink, this is when I first met Marlene a lovely RG lady who gave me a lot of encouragement and advice over the week, she asked me if I was interested in the coach trip organised for the Wednesday – I had already decided not to go but when I found that it was just a mini bus and she told me the details I changed my mind and booked.      The Tuesday was spent quietly getting to know one another, and making lots of new friends, one very experienced girl I was chatting to about trying to be convincing and blending in told me that I was doing well and actually looked like a girl, which again boosted my confidence and looking at some of the girls and their dress sense I could see that I was quite a bit more convincing than some.  There was also a table top sale where I bought a couple of bracelets, and the “newbies get together” complete with wine. After dinner they held the first round of “play your cards right” followed by cabaret and disco.       The coach trip left at 11.30 on Wednesday  and firstly headed for sea life aquarium at  Weston super mare, when  we arrived on the sea front there was quite a cold wind coming in from the sea so there were not that many people about which I was quite pleased about as this was just my second time out among “joe public” there were a few people in the aquarium  but It almost felt as if we were un noticed with no problems at all which boosted my confidence, We then went back to Watchet where the Esplanade club opened especially for us and put on a lovely buffet meal—far more than we could eat and very high standard, being on the harbour side we were able to go out and mingle with the public and view the boats in the marina , but with a safe “bolt hole” in the club in case of trouble, but we enjoyed our time there without incident, a further boost to my confidence.         On Thursday there was among other things a pool competition which I entered out of a fit of daftness, having never played pool before (I had played a little snooker about 50 years ago) needless to say I was knocked out in the first round – best of 3 games – 1st game I was whitewashed- second game I did manage to pocket 2 balls--- progress of sorts. By this time it was near lunch time and as I had some food in the car and a flask of coffee I took off for Watchet on my own and went to the harbour where we had been the day before, , parked the car as close to the ticket machine as possible, took a deep breath and went and bought a ticket, I then moved as close to the harbour as possible, parked up and had a light lunch while watching passers-by, and especially observing  what women were wearing, as there was a cool breeze in from the sea most were wearing coats. I had a light weight coat in the car so put this on in order to “blend in” as far as possible, took a deep breath and set off with my bag over my shoulder, I walked right across the harbour front and into the town without incident and with growing confidence, as I needed some ciggies I looked for a shop which was not too busy and a little way on came to the post office/ gift shop, I stood outside for a few moments, fished my purse out of my bag and went boldly in, the lady behind the counter never batted an eyelid when I asked- very quietly in my best (HA HA ) girly voice asked for 40 Benson & hedges, paid for them , collected my change and strolled out, on my way back to the car I deliberately waked down the side of the street where there were quite a few people about—no problem , as I walked back across the harbour I could hear a steam train of the west Somerset railway approaching so when I got back to the car (the car park is alongside the railway station) I got the camera out and stood by the car waiting for the train to arrive, just then an oldish man came to his car parked 2 spaces away from me and let his dog out, dog immediately came towards me , its owner tried to call it back saying “come here now don’t go bothering the lady” dog took no notice and came up to me tail wagging,  so I stroked its ear, it then went back to its owner and he said to it “ yes she was being nice to you” I am quite convinced that he was being genuine and had not read me--- needless to say I was more than a little pleased . The train arrived and I got my photos, by which time it was time to head back, basking in the buzz of my first real time out on my own. That evening was the third and final round of play your cards right, in another fit of daftness I bought a ticket and to my amazement my number was called as the second contestant, My first card was a queen so I went lower and turned up a 2 – so I went higher – and turned up another 2 – that put an end to my moment of glory!!  After this was the Miss St Audries Bay competition – which I did not enter! – but was won by Roslyn, one of the girls I had become friends with, she was wearing a lovely lime green evening dress and was a well-deserved winner, another disco rounded the evening off.       Friday saw me itching to go out again, as I had been advised that Minehead was a safe place to go to, off I went wearing my green suite and as there was a cold wind again I put on my heavier camel coat, I was able to park in the main street and set off for a walk, within 40 yards I bumped into Steph, one of the other girls I had met, we had a chat and she told me that she was going to the cider farm which is TV friendly, for a coffee, so I said that once I had my walk I would catch her up at the farm, off I went to the end of the street – about 500 yards, crossed over and started up the other side, about ¾ way back to the car IT happened, I suddenly felt my skirt which has an elasticated waist sliding down over my hips OOOOPs –a few seconds of panic , - I put my hand into my coat pocket and was just in time to grab the waistband of said skirt and pull it back a bit before it hit the ground , I was then able to get slowly back to the car and get in, fortunately I had my emergency sewing kit in the car which contained some safety pins ( a girl’s best friend at a time like this) I sat in the car and discreetly pinned my skirt into position. I was disappointed at not completing my walk so got back out and went a further 50 or 60 yards up the street and back, but was not 100% sure of my pin up job, so decided to skip the cider farm and head for a quiet place where I could make a better job of securing the offending garment . I headed up into the hills on a quiet back road and found the perfect place to effect repairs and have some lunch from my ration box. This done there was plenty of time left so I headed back towards Watchet, on the way I came across a forestry commission car park which was empty – a perfect place to test the security of my skirt—a stroll round the car park a few times put my mind at rest, so on to Watchet, Parked up and made for the harbour again and had another walk but this time there was a party of school kids( dangerous animals so I am told)at the far end of the harbour so I turned back and had a walk along the railway station platform instead, as I was now satisfied that the skirt incident had not un-nerved me I made my way back to St Audries. That evening was largely taken up with “curtain Call” which was a 2 hour show put on by some of the girls, considering that this is done at short notice it was mostly very good.      Saturday saw a few of us heading for the cider farm which I had missed out on the day before, as it was in a very sheltered location the cold wind did not find us and it turned out to be the warmest day of the week, so we enjoyed a coffee and scone in the sunshine, that evening was the Gala dinner followed by prize giving and cabaret . Sunday was a bit sad and quite a few tears were shed as girls departed for home, I had booked to stay on for another 4 days to explore the area more (in Drab) and visit the railway but on the Monday I had a very special trip to make – to Bickleigh Mill near Tiverton to meet the one and only Carol – we had a lovely couple of hours chat and coffee – she really is a super lady – but that is another story.      Did I say I could not go again in September --- I only thought that before I went, so guess what – I’m booked for September and next May – roll on September.     
    May 20, 2012 13547
  • 08 Nov 2008
    OMG.....is it really that long since i blogged? Well, its not been too bad a period for me. On Tuesday, i had an appointment over at the Norwich GIC ( Gender Identity Clinic) with Dr Ted Olive, who i last saw here in Lowestoft back in April of 2006. This time he was accompanied by Barbara Ross who i'd never met before & got on very well with. I certainly gained a lot out of it & knowin that there IS somewhere closer to home is a great help to me, because its hard being stuck out here. But, in just under 4wks time i'm gonna be one very happy girl because my Charllet's coming to stay for a week & just before xmas too. I haven't seen her since mid-july & have missed her so much it hurts. Getting to see her so close to christmas is truly going to be the bestest prezzie EVER!!. There's been some news that everyone in town has been talking about. It even made the local and National news too. Last thursdsay a man was arrested at the train station & it turns out A) he was very drunk & B) he was ONLY carrying two improvised explosive devices ( Bombs) with him as well as certain literature too. He went before the magistrates here who BAILED him, despite him carrying all that stuff with him. I just thank god the MET re-arrested him immediately & he's now in custody facing major Charges relating to terrorism.  I Honestly never thought i'd see that kind of thing here, & thinking what could have happened had he not been caught....well it just doesnt bear thinking about does it?.
    10752 Posted by Anna-Marie Trindall
  • OMG.....is it really that long since i blogged? Well, its not been too bad a period for me. On Tuesday, i had an appointment over at the Norwich GIC ( Gender Identity Clinic) with Dr Ted Olive, who i last saw here in Lowestoft back in April of 2006. This time he was accompanied by Barbara Ross who i'd never met before & got on very well with. I certainly gained a lot out of it & knowin that there IS somewhere closer to home is a great help to me, because its hard being stuck out here. But, in just under 4wks time i'm gonna be one very happy girl because my Charllet's coming to stay for a week & just before xmas too. I haven't seen her since mid-july & have missed her so much it hurts. Getting to see her so close to christmas is truly going to be the bestest prezzie EVER!!. There's been some news that everyone in town has been talking about. It even made the local and National news too. Last thursdsay a man was arrested at the train station & it turns out A) he was very drunk & B) he was ONLY carrying two improvised explosive devices ( Bombs) with him as well as certain literature too. He went before the magistrates here who BAILED him, despite him carrying all that stuff with him. I just thank god the MET re-arrested him immediately & he's now in custody facing major Charges relating to terrorism.  I Honestly never thought i'd see that kind of thing here, & thinking what could have happened had he not been caught....well it just doesnt bear thinking about does it?.
    Nov 08, 2008 10752
  • 26 Jul 2011
    Hi,    In this Mag I have written a article on my forced feminination by a local college, and my various adventures as a female going back to college. Yes the college is forcing me to be a woman at least on campus. Here is a small part on my article. "I was in the office of the dean of students with there chief of police discussing my enrolment into the college my first semester there. I was dressed at the time in a 3 piece mens business suit complete with a tie, and my very male patterned baldness showing.    I said "Do you realise that you are asking a XY male raised man to use thw woman's locker room?"    The chief said "Aaaaaa yaaaa we have to ask you to use the woman's locker room for legal reasons." Oh ya this is going to be good. So thus attired I ventured into the woman's locker room, and was promptly assaulted by 2 Asian female students........     You can read the rest in my article as to what happened.  As time goes on I will tell all you of my adventures, and my thoughts on this.   Take Cree, Elder A. Vickie Boisseau CPS I am not my body. - Thich Nhat Hanh
    6439 Posted by Vickie Boisseau
  • Hi,    In this Mag I have written a article on my forced feminination by a local college, and my various adventures as a female going back to college. Yes the college is forcing me to be a woman at least on campus. Here is a small part on my article. "I was in the office of the dean of students with there chief of police discussing my enrolment into the college my first semester there. I was dressed at the time in a 3 piece mens business suit complete with a tie, and my very male patterned baldness showing.    I said "Do you realise that you are asking a XY male raised man to use thw woman's locker room?"    The chief said "Aaaaaa yaaaa we have to ask you to use the woman's locker room for legal reasons." Oh ya this is going to be good. So thus attired I ventured into the woman's locker room, and was promptly assaulted by 2 Asian female students........     You can read the rest in my article as to what happened.  As time goes on I will tell all you of my adventures, and my thoughts on this.   Take Cree, Elder A. Vickie Boisseau CPS I am not my body. - Thich Nhat Hanh
    Jul 26, 2011 6439
  • 04 Mar 2012
    This is my take on our girls weekend out in Milton Keynes arranged by Faye   For me the weekend started on thurs evening with packing, what to take what not to take? So i took way to much of everything. As i had booked for a make over at Style Me Quirky on the friday i packed two bags, one for friday, clothes for travelling back, two options ( i can never make my mind up what to wear) shoes, make up and loads of other stuff. The other bag was packed for saturday, even more shoes, 5 or 6 dresses, casual clothes, and way to much other stuff. Finally with everything packed it was off to bed to try to sleep, with the excitement building sleep eventually came in the early hours.   Friday morning arrives, the bags are put ih the car and im off. Driving to Milton Keynes so much goes through my mind. Will we all get on, what will the hotel and club be like, will i have the nerve to spend the whole weekend as Monique. Before i realise it I have arrived in Milton Keynes, way to early, its only 11.15. A quick check on the hotel location I decide to kill some time by going for a drive around. A quick trip up the road and i discover a shopping complex. So I decide to have a quick look around. First stop was TK Max, lots of cheap clothes but i dont have the nerve to look through the miles of rails as the shop is really busy. Next stop is Brantanos, here the problem is opposite, the shop is void of people and i feel very self concious walking around the womens shoes. I feel as though the sale assistants are watching me and laughing inside, im sure they are not but i decide to head out, im sure the young female assistant gave me a knowing smile as i head out the door. Back in the car i kick myself for being so stupid and realise that if i am going to enjoy this weekend i will need to be more confident, not a real strong point for me.   I decide to get something to eat as ive had no food since Thursday evening. Just around the corner i find a Burger King. A quick burger meal then i head to the hotel. I sit in the carpark reading the paper waiting for the girls to arrive. Again so much goes through my mind and im starting to feel really nervous about the whole weekend. I am bought back to reality by a text message from Debs, Faye has picked her up from the airport and they are on their way. A short time later i recognise a blue Saab as it pulls up in the car park, and nearly flattens a hedge.  I nervously get out of the car and walk over. The first thing that happens is a big hug from Debs, then a hug from Faye. We stand and chat for a short while and i can honestly say from that first hug my confidence is growing and my nerves seem to have gone. We check in to the hotel laughing and joking all the time, we all end  up in rooms next to one another, so we head upstairs to get settled before we head off to London.   We all meet outside the rooms. Faye has changed while me and Debs are still in drab mode. Faye is muttering something about not looking good, but i think she looks great. We head to the car park put mine and Debs bags in the car and we are off to London. The drive is pretty uneventfull, but the chat in the car is good and we have a good laugh on the journey. The more we chat and laugh the more relaxed and confident i feel about the weekend. We arrive in London park the car and make our way to the Styke Me Quirky studio.   We get to the studio and call Pops to say we have arrived, by this time i am doing a stupid dance as i am busting for a pee, of course the girls are sympathetic about this, NOT, but we have a laugh about it. I my case a little laugh as i dont want to wet myself literally. Pops and Kelly come down to meet us and i make a mad dash for the loo. I return to find everyone chatting and getting on like a house on fire so i just join in the chat while we have a smoke before going in for the make over. Seeing Pops again is like meeting an old friend and we chat like you would with someone you see everyday. We finish our cigs and head into the studio. For me personally this makeover was much easier than the first as i feel at ease with the Style Me Quirky crew even though ive never met Kelly before. I will not go into the make over now, but i will say it was a blast especially when Cathy arrived.  you need to read Debs blog about her make over.   We leave the studio around midnight and head to Pops house for a quick drink before we head back to Milton Keynes. We chat for a while about the day and have a good laugh. On a personal note while having a smoke in the garden with just Pops we have a personal chat, and as much as Pops has found a client who will return when possible i would also class Pops as a friend who cares. We all say our farewells throw the bags in the car and we head back to Milton Keynes.   Driving back we chat about the day so far and we all agree it has been a great day. The drive back was a lot quicker, mainly because lack of traffic but also down to my heavy right foot, thank god the sat nav pics up speed cameras. Debs and Faye have a bit of a snooze on the way back, i know because i can here the radio.............lol. I must admit i cannot stop smiling all the way back as i have had a great day with a couple of great girls. At this time i would honestly say i was flagging having had such a long day, but when we get close to the hotel it is decided we will go to PP's and it was the right decision.   to be continued  
    6310 Posted by monique aka *mini Mon* h
  • This is my take on our girls weekend out in Milton Keynes arranged by Faye   For me the weekend started on thurs evening with packing, what to take what not to take? So i took way to much of everything. As i had booked for a make over at Style Me Quirky on the friday i packed two bags, one for friday, clothes for travelling back, two options ( i can never make my mind up what to wear) shoes, make up and loads of other stuff. The other bag was packed for saturday, even more shoes, 5 or 6 dresses, casual clothes, and way to much other stuff. Finally with everything packed it was off to bed to try to sleep, with the excitement building sleep eventually came in the early hours.   Friday morning arrives, the bags are put ih the car and im off. Driving to Milton Keynes so much goes through my mind. Will we all get on, what will the hotel and club be like, will i have the nerve to spend the whole weekend as Monique. Before i realise it I have arrived in Milton Keynes, way to early, its only 11.15. A quick check on the hotel location I decide to kill some time by going for a drive around. A quick trip up the road and i discover a shopping complex. So I decide to have a quick look around. First stop was TK Max, lots of cheap clothes but i dont have the nerve to look through the miles of rails as the shop is really busy. Next stop is Brantanos, here the problem is opposite, the shop is void of people and i feel very self concious walking around the womens shoes. I feel as though the sale assistants are watching me and laughing inside, im sure they are not but i decide to head out, im sure the young female assistant gave me a knowing smile as i head out the door. Back in the car i kick myself for being so stupid and realise that if i am going to enjoy this weekend i will need to be more confident, not a real strong point for me.   I decide to get something to eat as ive had no food since Thursday evening. Just around the corner i find a Burger King. A quick burger meal then i head to the hotel. I sit in the carpark reading the paper waiting for the girls to arrive. Again so much goes through my mind and im starting to feel really nervous about the whole weekend. I am bought back to reality by a text message from Debs, Faye has picked her up from the airport and they are on their way. A short time later i recognise a blue Saab as it pulls up in the car park, and nearly flattens a hedge.  I nervously get out of the car and walk over. The first thing that happens is a big hug from Debs, then a hug from Faye. We stand and chat for a short while and i can honestly say from that first hug my confidence is growing and my nerves seem to have gone. We check in to the hotel laughing and joking all the time, we all end  up in rooms next to one another, so we head upstairs to get settled before we head off to London.   We all meet outside the rooms. Faye has changed while me and Debs are still in drab mode. Faye is muttering something about not looking good, but i think she looks great. We head to the car park put mine and Debs bags in the car and we are off to London. The drive is pretty uneventfull, but the chat in the car is good and we have a good laugh on the journey. The more we chat and laugh the more relaxed and confident i feel about the weekend. We arrive in London park the car and make our way to the Styke Me Quirky studio.   We get to the studio and call Pops to say we have arrived, by this time i am doing a stupid dance as i am busting for a pee, of course the girls are sympathetic about this, NOT, but we have a laugh about it. I my case a little laugh as i dont want to wet myself literally. Pops and Kelly come down to meet us and i make a mad dash for the loo. I return to find everyone chatting and getting on like a house on fire so i just join in the chat while we have a smoke before going in for the make over. Seeing Pops again is like meeting an old friend and we chat like you would with someone you see everyday. We finish our cigs and head into the studio. For me personally this makeover was much easier than the first as i feel at ease with the Style Me Quirky crew even though ive never met Kelly before. I will not go into the make over now, but i will say it was a blast especially when Cathy arrived.  you need to read Debs blog about her make over.   We leave the studio around midnight and head to Pops house for a quick drink before we head back to Milton Keynes. We chat for a while about the day and have a good laugh. On a personal note while having a smoke in the garden with just Pops we have a personal chat, and as much as Pops has found a client who will return when possible i would also class Pops as a friend who cares. We all say our farewells throw the bags in the car and we head back to Milton Keynes.   Driving back we chat about the day so far and we all agree it has been a great day. The drive back was a lot quicker, mainly because lack of traffic but also down to my heavy right foot, thank god the sat nav pics up speed cameras. Debs and Faye have a bit of a snooze on the way back, i know because i can here the radio.............lol. I must admit i cannot stop smiling all the way back as i have had a great day with a couple of great girls. At this time i would honestly say i was flagging having had such a long day, but when we get close to the hotel it is decided we will go to PP's and it was the right decision.   to be continued  
    Mar 04, 2012 6310
  • 16 Jan 2012
    So Today , I took a days Holiday  went to London, main reason was see  gender Specialist for routine appointment. Writing now I think I should explain first what a "Miranda" is and How its part of a Transgendered Persons life [ at least M2F]. Miranda Hart is a UK Comedienne [ a GG] quite commonly on Television, See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miranda_Hart Main facet of Mirandas comedy is based on her Physical Image, See You Tube Medley to get the idea http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTf17cmPl0I .  -There it is , delivery Man comes in to Mirandas Pet shop, asks for a signature , Miranda Scribbles , delivery Man says "Thank you Sir" and casually carries on with his job. Miranda just looks to Camera No words ... The expression says " Yes I  get this and not for the first time , not a lot I can do about it, seeing as you have already made up your mind. ". I love this because it is Humour as an education by means of self reflection, not as a harmful  sneer at someone else.   [theres a quote not sure where- If you can laugh at youself you will always be amused].    So you are  trying your best , refining the changes and look. Your Voice is not Great though. --Yes thats me, but I am happy with things. - My first Miranda was getting a Rail Ticket. I asked the Lady at the Ticket Kiosk for an all day Ticket with London Underground pass and paid for it by Card. Possible reason was I handed over the Card [ name not changed] , or Probably Voice. it was early morning.Incidentally I thought I was being wise by buying the Underground ticket  at the start of the journey, as on a Previous Outing London I got a Miranda from the Waterloo Station Ticket office . I thought Image wise I looked alright, clothes selection and Hair are good , and I just tend to be very relaxed, helps the movement.   Before the second Miranda , I walked up and down Oxford Street before 9.30, Shops where not open yet[ it is London afterall]. The early Breakfast cups of Tea had taken their effect, leading me to seek out an early Opening Coffee shop. I prefer Costa Coffee , but settled for Starbucks at the point of Mild desperation. Thats nice , discreet 2 Floor lay out and  Unisex Toilets. , through the Door, ladies  is seperate okay, oh dear a queue..This early!!. At this point in time I am okay ,but did not want to wait in the queue . I guess there is a side to me that says be discreet you just want to fit in and be unnoticed, even if there is a remote chance I dont want anyone to be upset If I am queuing in the ladies. Plan B theres another Starbucks other side of the road, . Had a small Mocha, and Fruit Salad.  Iam sure "Skinny Latte" sounds more feminine than Mocha  , but I like the chocolate and dont understand why any Milk should be skimmed and made skinny in the first case. I am revived after the Mocha and Fruit salad. My tip for weight is eat lots of fruit . It has been proven that the Fruit Bat is the greediest Animal in the Zoo in terms of consumption over Body weight, and it can still fly. There are some thoughts i put down on the IPAd in preperation for the Appointment , remind myself of some questions to be asked, go through what has been changing and my circumstances. I tend to be more balanced and Focused about everything now..long may this continue ..but there is life and the things we cannot control   - Second Miranda- By this  time the shops have opened so I take advantage of the large Selection, still Sales Items available. I am very Selective nowadays , and the mones are having the effect that I am more discriminating . the fabrics have got to be soft and make me go mmh thats nice. Time to try somethings on.... I cannot go over board as it is the age of Austerity and I am as affected by the economic situation as most people. Ah Just got time before the appointment .. I try on the Garments in the Ladies Fitting room after being presented with the plastic security key thingy by the Lady attendent. I am slowly getting used to the Multi mirror s front back and side . Unfortunately there an angle that   draws attention to my Thick neck, which has not yet been masked over by my hair growing long. Still its getting better , and not as bad as it once was.  The Jumper with roll neck is very good and has a long body length , extends  passed the bum and billows out a bit there .will go weel with a High Waist Belt[ my prefferedDress fix] breaks the Naturally Straight Body line allows curves to be suggested by the Dress Drape [ I think anyway]. Other throw over long cardy is good also , very Soft and light Purple [colour i like] and the big plus of pockets . I am always on the look out for convenient dresses with pockets , but Choice looks limited. Meanwhile I listen to the 2 Lady Attendents  Chatting ,The young One says something about an instance when she got upset with her  Dad and said  "Listen you dont know what its like to be a Teenage Girl with all these Hormones".  Pleased with Myself as the price was good I go to the older Lady Attendent "How where they ", "Very Good, I think I will take these" I said , I handed over the Plastic Security thingy.."Thank You Sir" She said  0-2 I quickly Paid for the Wooly Jumpers , with card, and Rushed  to the appointment It was my Third Appointment , but they must have changed something on the entrance As I could not locate it I embarrasingly rang them to ask which number . All went well at the appointment .   Afterwards I was reflecting on my reaction to the Miranda instances, and trying to make sure  I have smiley contented type face . This is actually How I feel nowadays , but I am conscious that through the years I default to a scowl which is not friendly , and does not really help me [ ot anyone else for that Matter]. I walk  pass by this small petit Lady Hair swept Back well defined Smiley Cheeks , dressed casually and stylish and warm [ there is still a bit of morning chill]. Afterwards I think Could that Have been Kylie. Well those sort of things dont matter. [ In a past incident  Jose Mourinho bashed my Computer bag whilst rusing to get to the lift in a Hotel in Korea whilst I was on a business trip [ in the boom time]. I did not notice it was him , as he is considerably smaller than my perception   well outside my Radar Screen. ] We are all People , however famous ,however different .   After Appointment . I had a nice Quiet Contemplative Lunch of Tea and a small Sandwich. Eating it slowly Whilst lloking at the Aerial display of Formation Pidgeons  from the window on a high floor in the dept store Coffee shop . I felt relaxed. I went back to the department store to get some girly Running Togs. I like to keep Fit and cross country Running,jogging what ever you like to call it has always been something I do and find comfort it, especially early in the morning when its quiet and still. I found a few pairs that will do me Amazingly I do not get an additional Miranda in the process,    I meander my Way to the bottom floor and go past the Cosmetic dept , lovely Scents. I think I have not really got a good grasp of Make up , too many other things to sort out and occupying my mind . But today is an opportunity. London is not bad in this respect , there is a certain anonymity you can have , afterall There are lots of tall Girls , Lots of varied people Many of the people in London have the attitude " I will only see you once " . I am not trying to draw attention to myself . The mones are certianly making me feel more relaxed. I ask on e of the attendents at he cosmetic counter what is the recommendation for Fair skinned People like me with Auburn hair , and light Eye brows . Sensing a a Sale .. I was made to feel comfortable and seated [ in the middle of a Busy London department Store] and advised wwith a makeover . My eyes where done also , I wish I could do Eyeliner.. Wow thats  good I never thought My face and eyes could look this good . Lesson there is no shame in concealer] It was time to make my way back to the train station to return home . I got off the underground at Embarkment, remembering there was a Costa Coffee shop there. I had a small Mocha , and Blueberry Muffin and was called Madam. [1-2]. I sat close to a Eurpean couple [French and Italian] of my Age talking, The lady was talking about  her Eyesight ,after 40 ,50 and glasses to her partner. She looked at me as I was just putting my glasses back on after cleaning them  ,I smiled , she smiled back.Sometimes theres a reminder We share more in common than our differences. [ The Miranda scores mean nothing  stop counting] I  decided to walk over Jubilee Bridge to Waterloo Station. it winter time now and the suns getting lower. Its been a nice day and the sky has cleared enough to now be warm. I stop halfway across the bridge, look at the water , and shut my eyes toward the sun. Its just Nice to take some time away for yourself occasionally. My mind often adds a sountrack to events , it started to play Waterloo Sunset . This made me feel good . I remember liking english Writing creative essays at school , there was big poster in the class room of Terence Stamp and Juliet Christie."Far from the Madding Crowd". Happy Times... I ambled along to the train station and went home .. A day well spent . time to simply capture it
    5752 Posted by Donna V
  • By Donna V
    So Today , I took a days Holiday  went to London, main reason was see  gender Specialist for routine appointment. Writing now I think I should explain first what a "Miranda" is and How its part of a Transgendered Persons life [ at least M2F]. Miranda Hart is a UK Comedienne [ a GG] quite commonly on Television, See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miranda_Hart Main facet of Mirandas comedy is based on her Physical Image, See You Tube Medley to get the idea http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTf17cmPl0I .  -There it is , delivery Man comes in to Mirandas Pet shop, asks for a signature , Miranda Scribbles , delivery Man says "Thank you Sir" and casually carries on with his job. Miranda just looks to Camera No words ... The expression says " Yes I  get this and not for the first time , not a lot I can do about it, seeing as you have already made up your mind. ". I love this because it is Humour as an education by means of self reflection, not as a harmful  sneer at someone else.   [theres a quote not sure where- If you can laugh at youself you will always be amused].    So you are  trying your best , refining the changes and look. Your Voice is not Great though. --Yes thats me, but I am happy with things. - My first Miranda was getting a Rail Ticket. I asked the Lady at the Ticket Kiosk for an all day Ticket with London Underground pass and paid for it by Card. Possible reason was I handed over the Card [ name not changed] , or Probably Voice. it was early morning.Incidentally I thought I was being wise by buying the Underground ticket  at the start of the journey, as on a Previous Outing London I got a Miranda from the Waterloo Station Ticket office . I thought Image wise I looked alright, clothes selection and Hair are good , and I just tend to be very relaxed, helps the movement.   Before the second Miranda , I walked up and down Oxford Street before 9.30, Shops where not open yet[ it is London afterall]. The early Breakfast cups of Tea had taken their effect, leading me to seek out an early Opening Coffee shop. I prefer Costa Coffee , but settled for Starbucks at the point of Mild desperation. Thats nice , discreet 2 Floor lay out and  Unisex Toilets. , through the Door, ladies  is seperate okay, oh dear a queue..This early!!. At this point in time I am okay ,but did not want to wait in the queue . I guess there is a side to me that says be discreet you just want to fit in and be unnoticed, even if there is a remote chance I dont want anyone to be upset If I am queuing in the ladies. Plan B theres another Starbucks other side of the road, . Had a small Mocha, and Fruit Salad.  Iam sure "Skinny Latte" sounds more feminine than Mocha  , but I like the chocolate and dont understand why any Milk should be skimmed and made skinny in the first case. I am revived after the Mocha and Fruit salad. My tip for weight is eat lots of fruit . It has been proven that the Fruit Bat is the greediest Animal in the Zoo in terms of consumption over Body weight, and it can still fly. There are some thoughts i put down on the IPAd in preperation for the Appointment , remind myself of some questions to be asked, go through what has been changing and my circumstances. I tend to be more balanced and Focused about everything now..long may this continue ..but there is life and the things we cannot control   - Second Miranda- By this  time the shops have opened so I take advantage of the large Selection, still Sales Items available. I am very Selective nowadays , and the mones are having the effect that I am more discriminating . the fabrics have got to be soft and make me go mmh thats nice. Time to try somethings on.... I cannot go over board as it is the age of Austerity and I am as affected by the economic situation as most people. Ah Just got time before the appointment .. I try on the Garments in the Ladies Fitting room after being presented with the plastic security key thingy by the Lady attendent. I am slowly getting used to the Multi mirror s front back and side . Unfortunately there an angle that   draws attention to my Thick neck, which has not yet been masked over by my hair growing long. Still its getting better , and not as bad as it once was.  The Jumper with roll neck is very good and has a long body length , extends  passed the bum and billows out a bit there .will go weel with a High Waist Belt[ my prefferedDress fix] breaks the Naturally Straight Body line allows curves to be suggested by the Dress Drape [ I think anyway]. Other throw over long cardy is good also , very Soft and light Purple [colour i like] and the big plus of pockets . I am always on the look out for convenient dresses with pockets , but Choice looks limited. Meanwhile I listen to the 2 Lady Attendents  Chatting ,The young One says something about an instance when she got upset with her  Dad and said  "Listen you dont know what its like to be a Teenage Girl with all these Hormones".  Pleased with Myself as the price was good I go to the older Lady Attendent "How where they ", "Very Good, I think I will take these" I said , I handed over the Plastic Security thingy.."Thank You Sir" She said  0-2 I quickly Paid for the Wooly Jumpers , with card, and Rushed  to the appointment It was my Third Appointment , but they must have changed something on the entrance As I could not locate it I embarrasingly rang them to ask which number . All went well at the appointment .   Afterwards I was reflecting on my reaction to the Miranda instances, and trying to make sure  I have smiley contented type face . This is actually How I feel nowadays , but I am conscious that through the years I default to a scowl which is not friendly , and does not really help me [ ot anyone else for that Matter]. I walk  pass by this small petit Lady Hair swept Back well defined Smiley Cheeks , dressed casually and stylish and warm [ there is still a bit of morning chill]. Afterwards I think Could that Have been Kylie. Well those sort of things dont matter. [ In a past incident  Jose Mourinho bashed my Computer bag whilst rusing to get to the lift in a Hotel in Korea whilst I was on a business trip [ in the boom time]. I did not notice it was him , as he is considerably smaller than my perception   well outside my Radar Screen. ] We are all People , however famous ,however different .   After Appointment . I had a nice Quiet Contemplative Lunch of Tea and a small Sandwich. Eating it slowly Whilst lloking at the Aerial display of Formation Pidgeons  from the window on a high floor in the dept store Coffee shop . I felt relaxed. I went back to the department store to get some girly Running Togs. I like to keep Fit and cross country Running,jogging what ever you like to call it has always been something I do and find comfort it, especially early in the morning when its quiet and still. I found a few pairs that will do me Amazingly I do not get an additional Miranda in the process,    I meander my Way to the bottom floor and go past the Cosmetic dept , lovely Scents. I think I have not really got a good grasp of Make up , too many other things to sort out and occupying my mind . But today is an opportunity. London is not bad in this respect , there is a certain anonymity you can have , afterall There are lots of tall Girls , Lots of varied people Many of the people in London have the attitude " I will only see you once " . I am not trying to draw attention to myself . The mones are certianly making me feel more relaxed. I ask on e of the attendents at he cosmetic counter what is the recommendation for Fair skinned People like me with Auburn hair , and light Eye brows . Sensing a a Sale .. I was made to feel comfortable and seated [ in the middle of a Busy London department Store] and advised wwith a makeover . My eyes where done also , I wish I could do Eyeliner.. Wow thats  good I never thought My face and eyes could look this good . Lesson there is no shame in concealer] It was time to make my way back to the train station to return home . I got off the underground at Embarkment, remembering there was a Costa Coffee shop there. I had a small Mocha , and Blueberry Muffin and was called Madam. [1-2]. I sat close to a Eurpean couple [French and Italian] of my Age talking, The lady was talking about  her Eyesight ,after 40 ,50 and glasses to her partner. She looked at me as I was just putting my glasses back on after cleaning them  ,I smiled , she smiled back.Sometimes theres a reminder We share more in common than our differences. [ The Miranda scores mean nothing  stop counting] I  decided to walk over Jubilee Bridge to Waterloo Station. it winter time now and the suns getting lower. Its been a nice day and the sky has cleared enough to now be warm. I stop halfway across the bridge, look at the water , and shut my eyes toward the sun. Its just Nice to take some time away for yourself occasionally. My mind often adds a sountrack to events , it started to play Waterloo Sunset . This made me feel good . I remember liking english Writing creative essays at school , there was big poster in the class room of Terence Stamp and Juliet Christie."Far from the Madding Crowd". Happy Times... I ambled along to the train station and went home .. A day well spent . time to simply capture it
    Jan 16, 2012 5752